Rambling Rose

A New Beginning

2011-11-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

Lasting change does not come from the outside in.

It comes from the inside out.

A Human Be-ing

2011-08-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

"Just know that in this moment you are enough."

- Dr. Jennifer Howard

Being Authentic

2011-07-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

An authentic life requires that we summon the courage to face the pain in our lives.

This should be done with as much compassion for ourselves as possible.

The Harvest

2011-07-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

For a long time now I have been noticing that the past is connecting to the present - not only in my life - but also in the lives of those around me.

First it started with opportunities to let go of grudges, forgive myself and others, right any wrongs, resolve any unhealed relationships.

This weekend was a time of visiting familiar places where there were blessings in store for me. Again, each in their own way, others around me were experiencing the same kind of thing in their lives.

From unknown source:

"As a ship,

When unloosed from its dock,

Can start its new run

With compass guidance,

So I,

When unloosed from the past,

Can start my new run

With God's guidance."

Sail on!

Conscious Evolution

2011-05-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

I am taking an online course with Barbara Marx Hubbard on "Conscious Evolution" - "evolving by choice, not chance"

We are in week 5 of this very exciting course now. I was completely overwhelmed for the first two weeks with all the scientific terminology that was new to me.

Then I began to realize that while the terminology was new to me - the concepts were not.

"Co-creators" led me back to my bookshelf and Gary Zukav's "Seat of the Soul" which I re-read with newly opened eyes.

"Making the shift from ego to essence", of course, led me back to Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth".

I can hardly wait to finish Shakti Gawain's "Living in the Light" so I can move on to "Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr.

I can't believe how much I missed in the initial reading of these books when they impacted my life so deeply the first time I read them.

She's a Keeper

2011-03-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Taken from "Living Gently in a Violent World" by Stanley Hauerwas and Jean Vanier:

"I know a man who lives in Paris. His wife has Alzheimer's. He was an important businessman - his life filled with busyness. But he said that when his wife fell sick, 'I just couldn't put her in an institution, so I keep her. I feed her. I bathe her.'

I went to Paris to visit them, and this businessman who had been very busy all his life said, 'I have changed. I have become more human.'

I got a letter from him recently. He said that in the middle of the night his wife woke him up.

She came out of the fog for a moment, and she said, 'Darling, I just want to say thank you for all you're doing for me.' Then she fell back into the fog. He said, 'I wept and I wept.' "

Physician-Assisted Suicide

2011-03-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

I took part in an online survey yesterday "Should physician-assisted suicide be legalized?"

I could not believe the figures so far - 79% were in favor of it.

I honestly feel that this move is so far in the wrong direction.

For one thing, so many people would feel guilted into taking this route rather than burden their loved ones when they are no longer able to care for themselves. And if they didn't already feel this way, I know many people who would only too gladly help them come to this conclusion.

And another thing that some people don't realize is that the end time of a person's life presents many opportunities for very intimate moments of reconciliation. Healing both for the persons as individuals - and their relationship. Healings for brokenness that they often are not even aware of on a conscious level at the time.

With modern technology, we have the means to keep people as comfortable as possible throuhout their transition.

We just need to learn to be "present" to people who are making this very sacred journey.

Mystical Moments

2010-12-22T06:57:00.000-08:00

My favorite part of Christmas are those unexpected, magical moments that border on the mystical.

Watch for them.

They are there for each and every one of us to savor if we remain open to them.

I'm My Own Grandma

2010-10-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

It is interesting that these two young people are coming home at the same time.

Candace, my granddaughter. The wannabe princess. Who is so much more already than she longs to be. But she values these qualities very little. The very things I love most about her.

And Tom, my nephew by marriage. The rebel warrior who refuses to fit into mainstream society in any way. Lives a bit like a gypsy except for remaining in the same place. He will arrive a few days from now.

Before going to sleep last night, I said a prayer for any ancestors that needed prayers. This is not something I have done before. Someone else recently made me aware of reasons for doing this.

Strangely enough, it was a young part of myself that I dreamt of. She came knocking at the door of the house I grew up in.

The second dream I had was of Tom arriving early - knocking at the door of the house I live in now. I opened the door to the darkness - then began feeling vulnerable as I became more aware of the darkness I was facing.

The words of wisdom that came my way this morning - "You stand in your own light. Make it shine."

Recluse

2010-10-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is my home - my refuge - my sanctuary.

Here I am as safe as one can be from the world at large.

Or, like Rapunzel, am I a prisoner of my own making.

It does not matter.

For now, it is where my heart desires to be.

Maybe I am just digesting all that has transpired the last two years while I have been so actively involved in the outside world.

But here I am - snug as a bug in a rug. With no desire to be anyplace else. Surrounded by my books and papers. Words that tease my senses - safely.

Journeying to inner worlds. Exploring new dimensions. Excited by the possibilities.

I have done this before - several times. And have always unearthed buried treasures. Tools that make my life different than before.

Echoes of a Dark Nature

2010-09-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

The question to ask myself is not "Can I forgive my friend for behaving this way towards me?"

but rather:

"Am I able to forgive myself for having as part of my makeup that offensive quality she echoed for me?"

A New Way Of Doing Things

2010-08-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Part of this new way of living requires that I keep my house in order as much as possible.

Which also means keeping my mind in order.

I have noticed for a long time now that the condition of my living quarters reflects the state of my mind. If my thinking is messed up, it doesn't take long to show itself in my surroundings.

Therefore, I make a personal commitment to dot all my i's and cross all my t's as soon as I write them from here on in.

Stockpile nothing!

My number one priority now is to make every move count for something.

From here on in, I will only invest my energy in the things that matter most to me.

One day at a time. One step at a time. And only if it fits for me at this moment in my life.

What do I want to do today with the leg power and the energy I have available to me.

From here on in, I wish to be more realistic about the resources I have available to me which will make me more efficient in the outside world.

No small matter since I have always found the outside world a little too overwhelming for my comfort.

Gourmet Living

2010-08-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

My mobility has worsened. I am finding it much harder to get around these days.

For this reason, I have to begin living my life gourmet style.

Quality not quantity.

Both in food choices and life choices.

Perhaps this is not a bad thing. I will be forced to eliminate the superfluous; and be left only with what really matters to me.

Withdrawal

2010-08-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Some people would accuse me of isolating myself.

To me, it feels more like choosing personal space and solitude.

Oh, what a relief it is.

Spiritual Tools

2010-08-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

When my first husband died, he had been in AA for just over one year.

I inherited his little black book "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" which continues to give me what I have never been able to acquire by going to church - a spiritual program that helps me to keep in good relationship with my self, with others, and with God.

Sometimes my life gets too busy; and I make the big mistake of drifting away from the daily reading of this book. It's no coincidence that my spiritual life suffers immensely when this happens.

The last couple of months have been horrific for me as my ever- increasing fears, doubts, and resentments caused me to lose touch with the spiritual tools I had access to.

So, to remind myself and to share with others who may be interested, I am including the twelve steps of A.A. which I have adapted slightly for my personal use.

1. I admit that I am powerless over other people ; and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I turn my will and my life over to God as I understand Him.

4. I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I admit to God, to myself, and to another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

9. I make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Struggle For Survival

2010-07-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

2010-07-03T04:38:00.000-07:00

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

2010-07-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Restoring Balance

2010-06-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

2010-06-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Grief Resolved

2010-06-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

Retreat

2010-06-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

All I can do, at any time, is respond to what speaks the loudest from my inner space.

Right now it is a need for solitude............for stillness..........for space.

Forgiveness

2010-06-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

There are five things that you cannot recover in life:

The Stone ....after it's thrown.

The Word....after it's said.

The Occasion....after it's missed.

The Time....after it's gone.

A Person....after they die.

(Author unknown)

All you can do once you have matured enough to acknowledge mistakes you made is forgive yourself and move on.

As you get older (and hopefully wiser) there seems to be a lot of acknowledging and forgiving to do.

My inner journey took me back to where I was at personally when I started going with my first husband; and the negative feelings that fueled our relationship.

In hindsight, I realize he expressed my anger; and I fed his guilt.

Now I regret how I disrespected him; and I regret how I disrespected myself.

I vow it will not happen again now that I am more fully aware.

I will never again treat a person with disrespect. I don't have to like them. I don't have to agree with them.

But I can treat them with respect - even in my thoughts.

Reclaiming My Life

2010-06-10T05:50:00.000-07:00

I notice that lately every action I take is aimed at reclaiming my life.

Strange, I didn't notice that I had lost it.

Freedom

2010-06-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

While going through some papers today, I came across a quote I had saved from Craig Phillip's blog www.secondchancetolive.wordpress.com

"I no longer need to be perfect, just willing to keep my side of the street clean."

After a lifetime of trying to be perfect and failing miserably......

After a lifetime of being disappointed because nobody else seemed any better at it than me.....

After a lifetime of imposing unrealistic expectations on myself and everybody I cared about.....

I can finally take joy in being true to Craig's statement.

This has been the most freeing achievement of my life.

In The Shadows

2010-06-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

This soulmaking business is not a one time thing.

I'm realizing now that you have to enter the darkness again and again and again....

It's always worth it when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

But once I'm in that light; boy I hate to leave again.

Lovingkindness

2010-06-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

The teacher asked the pupils to tell the meaning of lovingkindness.

A little boy jumped up and said, "Well, if I was hungry and someone gave me a piece of bread, that would be kindness.

But if they put a little jelly on it, that would be lovingkindness.

( from God's Little Devotional Book For Women)

SURRENDER

2010-06-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's happened again.

I have fallen into that lifelong pattern of "a human doing" rather than "a human being".

I realized this some months back but, for some reason, felt compelled to follow that road to the very end.

Why? What did I hope to gain? I have no idea.

All I know is that I had to keep pushing myself until there was absolutely no push left in me.

And now that I have completely exhausted myself, I feel that I can give myself permission to claim the space I need to just "BE".

I surrender. Thank God, I surrender.

A Little Rambling

2010-04-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long since I posted on my favorite blog. Where did those months go?

I'm sitting here trying to retrace my steps. September...........

I finished up at the Farmer's Market and then sold most of my pickles at the Fall Fair, Of all the food and craft sales we have, the Fall Fair is my favorite. Pumpkins, scarecrows, apples, orange colors, harvest, people, life...............

I took in as many of the craft sales as I possibly could until I got sick in November. Barely recuperated in time to go to Toronto to spend Christmas with my son and his wife. My sister and I took the train which was nice. It has been years since I travelled by train; and I enjoyed it immensely.

I hope to never have to fly again. I hate it.

I don't SAY that I am never going to fly again though, because I know if I did, the universe would put something in my path that would leave me no other alternative. So I content myself with saying I hope to never have to do it again.

I arrived back home early in January with full-blown pneumonia which took all month to shake. The worst part of that though is that it left me no chance to catch up to myself. All the piles of paperwork - all the half-finished crafts - all the getting ready for Christmas mess - just sitting there - overwhelmingly!

So here it is - Spring! It came upon me before I even had a chance to hibernate. And I feel it.

Life is FULL. Fuller than it has been since my husband died. And I am loving it. There is nothing I wish to give up to claim more space for myself.

So I take life One Day At A Time focusing on "What's the next most important thing to do?" at the same time checking in with myself to be sure this is something I really wish to do.

And that brings me to today. Thanks to my friend down yonder for jiggling my chain and reminding me to sit myself down at my computer and let my thoughts begin to flow.

An unexamined life...............

My Dance Of Late

2009-09-22T05:18:00.000-07:00

One step forward.

Stop and ponder.

Another step forward.

Stop and ponder.

Get caught up in the flow of things.

Get dropped back down to earth again.

Pick myself up.

Shake off the dust.

Stop and ponder.

One step forward...............

Backing Into Things

2009-09-21T04:58:00.000-07:00

Until now I never thought backing into things could work in one's favor.

I was always one to shy away from a situation; or embrace it with every part of my being. There was no middle ground.

Since my car accident, I notice that I find it easier to leave a building backwards - easing myself down onto the top step. I also find it easier to enter a vehicle in the same way - easing myself backwards down onto the seat.

Finlly, after four years of this working well for me, I am learning that it also benefits me in certain life experiences.

I no longer shy away from new experiences or embrace them wholeheartedly right from the beginning. Instead I sort of ease myself gently into them in a backward sort of way.

Hey - whatever works!

A Walk In The Dark

2009-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Did you ever notice that sometimes life is like a walk in the dark?

During those times, you just act on what speaks to you inside, uncertain where each action is leading you.

I much prefer those times when I have the illusion that I know where I am going - and how to get there.

The Truths Found In Dreams

2009-09-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know how people make their way in this world without paying attention to their dreams. I wouldn't know which way to go.

My dreams let me know when my thinking is out of whack; and needs a little fine tuning.

I was recently reminded through my dreams that when I take my focus off what I feel called to do - being distracted by what others do or fail to do - I am headed for trouble - just like a sinking ship.

And it is also through my dreams that my faith in a Power greater than myself (G0d) is constantly being renewed. Over and over again I am reminded that none of us walk alone. Universal support is guiding us all the time - despite our many attempts to block it.

A Peaceful Existence

2009-09-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Soul needs body as much as body needs soul. - Marion Woodman

I am finally making peace with my body. I finally feel at home in my body. Interesting that it needed to become so used up before I was able to feel at home in it.

This summer I went a lot of places that it was physically challenging for me to go. I pushed my body to its limits - finding ways to work around its limitations each step of the way.

In doing so, we formed a friendship that will serve us well in the next leg of the journey - "old age".

I do not miss youth. It had its own challenges. I enjoy being in the presence of youth; but its always a blessing to bring my tired old body home to the space we have built together.

New Beginnings

2009-09-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

September always seems to open me to new beginnings - new possibilities - and at the very least doing old things in a new way.

Even at this stage of my life, I find myself packing things away to make room for whatever is to come. It's like a part of me knows somewhere deep inside which things I have to set aside; and which things I am going to need in the next little while.

Every day is an adventure - living in the moment - responding to the unexpected - on both internal and external levels.

Knee Deep In Pickles

2009-09-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm knee deep in pickles - and loving it!

It has been a lot of years since I had a reason to make pickles and I am really having fun with it.

I started out by pickling 25 pounds of beets. I wasn't sure if I would ever see the end of that bag. I think I might start out with 10 pounds next year.

But by the time I was finished with the beets, I was ready to tackle the cucumbers; and then on to the green tomatoes.

My favorite sound is that "pop" each cover makes as it seals - just like it should.

Fall is my favorite time of year. There is always so much to be grateful for. And the beautiful colors along with pleasant temperatures always pull me out of my "busyness" to savor life.

Taking The Blinders Off

2009-09-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

"When you know how things REALLY are, your brain rejects bogus data, and your chances for being deceived diminish." - Self Matters calendar.

I remember now why I always enjoyed working together with young people rather than adults. It eliminates all the game-playing and hidden agendas. What you see is what you get!

Years ago, I was knocked completely off-kilter when I got involved in community work as part of an organization. It took me years to sort out what happened - and move on from there.

From that point on, I worked as a single agent - keeping "tuned in" to my Higher Power - alert for ways to be of service to others while being true to myself.

A year ago, I decided it was time to learn how to work as part of a group (a church group). Today my disillusion with the results of these efforts are causing me to rethink this decision.

Am I really a part of a group of people working together - or am I (like once before) the person doing all the work, taking all the risks, and they are just sharing the credit? This wouldn't be a problem except that I know from past experience, somewhere along the way, people start giving you more credit than the others and then the crucifixion begins.

I still believe more can be accomplished with people "working together", but I realize now that reality checks are important each step of the way. This is no time to have the blinders on!

An Investment In Life

2009-08-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

My summer has been exhausting as I struggled to break through my physical limitations - but it has been very rewarding on all other levels.

My son and his wife moved to Ontario just before Christmas; so I was facing a long lonely summer. I decided instead of sitting home feeling sorry for myself, I would invest myself in Life.

Beginning at the end of May, I set Thursdays aside for baking. On Fridays, I took my "goodies" to the local Farmer's Market to sell. The proceeds from this venture are going to help support an orphanage in Haiti.

This is not as selfless as it sounds. Doing it this way allows me to fully enjoy the Market experience without getting caught up in whether the return is worth the effort I am putting into it.

In early July, I took time out to go to a four-day "Aboriginal Experience" in Tatamagouche, Nova Scotia. Awesome stuff! Those four days were full of little miracles and synchronicities. From there I went to Truro, Nova Scotia for a 3-day Dream Workshop.

Since my return, I did crafts with children at two week-long Vacation Bible Schools and assisted at a third.

Busy, busy, busy. Plum full of adventures.

And now I am feeling the need to create little pockets of space to process all these new and wonderful life experiences.

Summer is winding down now. And I am grateful for all that I have experienced this summer. But I am even more grateful to pick up my life "as I know it" once again.

A heartfelt hello to my faithful friends who expressed concern at my absence.

It feels so good to be in your presence once again.

At Home With Myself

2009-04-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

I was with a group of people on Sunday afternoon. We spent a couple minutes checking where each person was at. I was surprised to find, when I checked in with myself, that I was feeling very much at home with myself.

"Oh, so this is what being at home with yourself feels like", I thought to myself. "I like it". The feeling was so new to me, I almost let it slip by without noticing it. A feeling so foreign to me; and yet so familiar. I remember this..........just a vague recollection.

I know I will not be able to retain that feeling every minute of every day; but I'm going to "lean into" making it my norm. That way, I'll be able to come back home to that feeling more and more often.

Cat Stevens

2009-04-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

Cat Stevens...............

His name came up today in something I was reading on the web. I have always loved his song "Morning Has Broken". Wondering whatever became of him, I decided to see if I could find some of his music on YouTube.

Not only did I end up spending an enjoyable afternoon with him and his music, I found out where he had disappeared to.

What a remarkable life he has led!

What a remarkable man!

Memories Are For Keeps

2009-04-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

This unexpected wave of grief caught me completely off-guard. I didn't recognize this tenacious inertia for what it was. I couldn't understand my reluctance to take the necessary next step on the projects that have been bringing so much joy into my life this past year.

Then I had a dream that I didn't fully understand. In exploring this dream, it took the lid off the feelings that were stirring beneath the inertia.

My friend and mentor turned ninety this past weekend; and there was a big celebration at the country hall. All night long, my eyes were drawn to those fortunate couples who were getting to live out their old age together. I wasn't even aware of the longing that was building up in me as I focused on these people.

Once it all came together for me, I wasn't surprised. I remember now that Easter has been my most difficult time of year since my husband passed away. He always came alive in the Spring after being a little depressed during the winter months. Being a carpenter, he was always called back to work in the Spring. And he could also get busy planting his flower gardens and his vegetable garden.

He was always filled with New Life in the Spring; and it brought so much joy into my heart to watch him work at these things he loved so much. Other people must have felt the same because after a long winter of being "holed up"; they would see him working in his gardens with country music playing away; and they would drop in to watch him work.

At Bible Study today, we got discussing everyone's Easter traditions - and while it brought with it some poignant grief; it also brought to mind many treasured memories.

Memories that are forever mine to keep!

Licence To Drive

2009-03-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

This past winter a new fear entered my mind. And once it entered, it would not go away.

What if the car broke down while I was travelling alone? My mobility would make walking for help an issue. Now, mind you, I don't travel far from home but even a short walking distance would be difficult for me.

So I finally gave myself permission to get a cell phone. I will just keep it for emergency use while in the car. Funny how hard it is to put out money for the intangibles - the items we need for insurance purposes.

Now I can drive alone and get even more of my confidence back. It reminds me of when my children started going to school; and I was able to (or had to is more like it) cross those big city streets alone. It amazes me how we get so used to these little securities that it is hard to let go of them. "Little hands" or even "the presence of another" can become something we think we can not do without. But we have to dare to stand alone. We have to dare to walk alone - anywhere we go in life.

Here I am starting out on my own once again.

Out Of Sight

2009-03-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

My sister expressed some concern because I haven't posted anything for awhile. My apologies to the few who do follow my footsteps on this site.

I have been busy playing in another corner - and since it was something new to me, it was taking up most of my day and ALL of my mental capacity.

I always have to get comfortable with new things in my life before I share the details - it just seems to be my nature.

As some of you know, I have been getting direction and guidance from my dreams for about 28 years. The last couple years, I have been taking part in a small Dream Circle hosted by my brother 2-3 times a week www.rightdreaming.com I have learned a lot from him during that time which increased my understanding of my own dreams.

Well, a couple weeks ago, I stumbled across this site www.experienceproject.com and have been interpretting some of the dreams posted there. If anyone is interested in checking out my activity there, I am using my same name - buddingrose4u.

Life is going well - I have survived another winter and am looking forward to Spring. I have a lot of new things going on in my life - along with a lot of new people. Once I have a better handle on where this is all leading, I will share it with you.

I'm not one to talk unless there is a burning desire to express something, so bear with me. I'm "taking in" and "laying low" more than I am "putting out" these days.(heh)

The Music Of Life

2009-03-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be.
The last of life, for which
the first was made.

Robert Browning

I gotta own up to it. I love that good old-time country music. The kind we used to hear a long time ago.

Every Saturday night from 6 to 9, I get to tap my toes as I drift down memory lane.

Did you ever notice when you hear those songs from many years ago, you can pinpoint the phase of life you were at when you first heard it? You also remember the people who were the most important to you at that time in your life.

Truthfully, parts of us we long ago thought dead respond to music we love. I remember one time going to hear this lady sing who has made music her ministry. She goes to the hospital playing and singing people's favorite songs for them (often requested by the family member present). She shared memories of people having a tear rolling down their cheek in response to the songs. This gave the family great comfort because they visited and talked to this family member without knowing if they were even being heard.

Music seems to reach a deeper part of ourselves. I grew up in the Catholic church, but moved on to the Anglican church to raise my children, and now on to the United church in my older years. But to this day, if I hear a bit of Catholic music being played, I feel my spirit respond for all it's worth.

Notes To Myself

2009-02-21T06:57:00.000-08:00

I often write notes to myself - sometimes from deep inside myself - sometimes something I read or overheard that I want to remember. Often there is only enough time to write a hastily scribbled note on a piece of paper.

I recently came across one such piece of paper that reminded me to:

"Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, where you are."

My sister made me aware of a fun (free) way to provide rice for the poor http://www.freerice.com/ . Check out the short video on the left of the screen.

I make a point of going there once a day and send a few grains of rice to some hungry person. There are several topics to choose from; and every correct answer sends 10 grains of rice across the world.

The subject I stick with is vocabulary because I have always loved words. They even have an art section for you art lovers.

Go ahead - give it a try - let me know how you make out.

"The heart that gives, gathers."

It's A New Day

2009-02-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

Many of us have damaged our bodies in one way or another by the time we reach my age.

All we can do about it is love ourselves where we are at; and do the best we can with what we have left.

A World Of Difference

2009-02-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

"It makes me feel weak," the young man said. "I don't like that feeling."

"Are you sure it is weakness that you are in touch with," I responded, "or just vulnerability."

He thought for a moment and decided I was right.

Poetry In Motion

2009-02-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine has a new man in her life. He is a butcher.

"Watching him cut meat is like poetry," she says.

I know just what she means.

Anyone who has ever watched a person doing work they love would know exactly what she means.

As would anybody who has ever watched with the eyes of their heart wide open.

I am very happy for her. I remember being there; and it was wonderful.

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-10T05:08:00.000-08:00

I know that I am a few days early but this will give people time to reflect on the little kindnesses they would like to pass on to people in their world this Valentine's Day.

I am spending this week getting the last of the Christmas things put away - running a little behind this year.

At the same time I am doing this, I am keeping a close eye out for anything I might be able to pass on to the different non-profit organizations in our area - just part of my regular January cleanup - creating spaces for God to fill.

I enjoy doing unexpected little things to bring a smile to somebody's heart for Valentine's Day -not big expensive things - just a little something to express the warm feelings I have for this person - or a little something to express gratitude for a kindness a person has recently shown me.

To quote Carol Holmes: "A happy life is made up of little things - a gift sent, a letter written, a call made, a recommendation given, transportation provided, a cake made, a book lent, a check sent."

Sometimes throughout the year, life gets too busy for me to always do these things; so Valentine's Day is when I schedule some space in my life for a few of these little heartwarming gestures.

And we are all familiar with Mother Teresa's now famous quote: "W can do no great things; only small things with great love."

So my wish for you is to "Have a Happy Valentine's Day.

Family

2009-02-04T02:58:00.000-08:00

A person travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.

- George Moore

My son and his wife were home for a few days. It was wonderful having them here once again. Monday my son spent his whole morning in the living room on one conference call after the other. His wife was sitting in the kitchen chatting with my granddaughter while getting her hair straightened.

I found myself totally relaxing - contented with the sounds of family going about their business around me.

New and different sounds but comforting in their familiarity.

This morning, I am remembering what it was like for me when I was younger - returning home for a visit and then back to my busy life - refreshed, refueled, renewed by my visit home.

Now I am the one being left behind at the home place - the one keeping the home fires burning. But once again I feel those same feelings - of being refreshed, refueled, renewed by the visit.

I remember reading somewhere once that at the end of the day, eagles get together with their loved ones - touching each other - snuggling into one another - that physical contact giving them what they needed.

It's amazing to me just how comforting it is hearing your family coming and going around you. It's my age, I guess. But I needed this visit - the contentment I feel will keep me going through the remainder of this long, cold winter.

This unexpected visit has brought spring back into my heart. And the memories will see me through whatever life brings.

Life Lessons

2009-02-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

Got one of those emails from a friend today that you are supposed to pass on to several other people. I hate emailing them to other people; but every now and again, they are worth receiving.

This is the reminder that came to me from today's email:

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need - to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

I realize how much I have grown over the years - not only from interactions with the people who loved me enough to realize and respect my sensitivities - but even more from processing the interactions with all the others - those who loved me but could never bring themselves to show it - those who never saw anything in me worth loving - and the countless others who came and went in my lifetime that fit somewhere in between those three categories.

I give thanks to all of you - whether you were in my life for just a moment or for a long time. I am who I am today because of each and every one of you. I have no regrets; I could not have done it without you.

Some lessons take a lifetime to learn.

In God I trust

2009-01-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves.

L.M. Montgomery

Personal update in the life of this budding rose.

When I let go of the reins and let God control my life, amazing things happen. Things like minor miracles, love experiences, etc. All it takes on my part is accepting each moment as it happens.

Wednesday my young (adult) granddaughter treated herself to some peppermint tea and (diabetic-safe) cocoanut cookies when we made our grocery run. Middle of the afternoon she shows up in my kitchen with an invitation to join her in this safe indulgence. It was absolutely delightful - this unexpected social call.

Wednesday evening, we had another immense dumping of snow on us overnight followed by freezing rain. I called the man who plows my driveway to let him know that I had an early morning appointment for my second laser treatment (which proved to be even more painful than the first one; but worth it because I am noticing slight improvement in my vision already.)

Thursday morning, the woman I engaged to chauffeur me on the hundred mile trip to my appointment kindly shovelled a path in the knee-deep snow for me to get from the door to her shiny, black (new) car. She proved to be a delightful person with whom I had a lot in common; and we enjoyed stimulating conversation all the way there and back home again.

Slight mishap on the way into the city due to very slippery road conditions. A transport truck was sideways on the road just ahead of us on the downhill ramp. The car behind him got stopped. The pickup truck in front of us just barely got stopped. My driver slowly put on her brakes - but no luck - we just slid into the back of the pickup truck. No damage at all to the pickup truck; but the hood of my driver's car was crumpled like a candy bar wrapper.

I still had to get the rest of the way to the hospital for my laser treatment; and her car was no longer driveable. After we waited for the police to arrive and write up the accident report, the driver of the pickup truck kindly offered to take me the rest of the way.

It was no easy matter to get my short (not very mobile) legs up into the highest pickup truck I had ever seen - but we managed. It must have been quite a sight for the onlookers; but I didn't concern myself with that as I struggled to get myself up a level or two in order to complete my journey.

I think I will end my post at this point as I let the deep symbolism of those words sink into my being - AS I STRUGGLED TO GET MYSELF UP A LEVEL OR TWO IN ORDER TO COMPLETE MY JOURNEY.

It Only Hurts If You Let It

2009-01-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

To the extent that we want
something from someone,

To that exact degree
we will be in pain,

For it is desire
that brings pain

And it is love
that brings joy.

- Joan Walsh Anglund

A Mary Heart In A Martha World

2009-01-27T07:24:00.000-08:00

We were driving home one winter from a retreat when we encountered a detour that took us off the main highway onto a snow-packed dirt road. Mile after mile we drove, the only car on the vast Montana plain, with only a barbed-wire fence to outline the way.

"I think we're lost," I said to my husband.

"We're not lost," he said, "Go back to sleep."

I don't know how much farther we drove but I awoke when the car finally slowed down and turned into a driveway - the only driveway, I learned later that my husband had seen in the last fifty miles.

I rubbed my eyes and sat up in time to see a small, rusty trailer leaning slightly into the wind. I looked over at my husband as he pulled the car to a stop.

"We're lost," he admitted.

BUT WE WEREN"T LOST AT ALL.

The old man who came out to greet us looked a bit disappointed when my husband crawled out of the car. It was his birthday, you see. And he had hoped against hope that the car he heard in the driveway was his son coming to visit from Minnesota.

But he seemed to cheer up as we stayed and chatted for a while, giving him as a birthday present a small, stuffed animal I'd bought on the trip. There was a tear in his eye but a smile on his face when he shook our hands and pointed the way back to the main road.

- Joanna Weaver

Happy Birthday, Brother

2009-01-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. - From "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens

Yesterday would have been my brother's next birthday. I lit a candle for him and said a prayer for him, his wife and his daughter.

All those firsts are difficult; as most of us know.

I was just a little over one year old when he was born - a little mother even then. Or did I become a little mother because it was almost required of me? Who knows?

I found myself reflecting on the family dynamics that were in place at the time - understanding a little bit more - with no animosity towards anybody - just acceptance and understanding.

I reflected on my relationship with my brother; we were very close. I recalled many things about him that warmed my heart.

Happy Birthday, Brother! I will continue to treasure the things I loved about you as I complete my journey.

On The Lighter Side

2009-01-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

Over and over again, I have been watching a video on YouTube. I swear that I enjoy it more each time I watch it. It is Pixar - Hippo & Dog - The Lion Sleeps Tonight. I wasted a whole day trying to figure out how to download it so I could show it to you - couldn't figure it out. I also couldn't understand the copyright laws. The numbers and letters were too small for me to see so I was not able to set up a link. Therefore, if you are curious enough to want to see it , you will have to take the long way around and look it up on YouTube.

I enjoy it as much as I do, I think, because it portrays the duality of me. Those two parts I know so well. Mary with her natural unrestrained buoyancy - and Martha with that usual look of disdain on her face that her counterpart brings out in her.

I LOVE IT! I have had to work on accepting both these parts of myself. This video helps me not only to accept them but to cherish them - delight in them - both of them - Mary and Martha.

Laser

2009-01-23T05:08:00.000-08:00

I had my first laser treatment on my damaged eye yesterday.

My sister-in-law drove me the hundred miles we had to travel. It was an enjoyable trip. She is a non-stop talker so it kept me distracted from any nervousness I might have otherwise been feeling.

The young doctor is a real go-getter. I don't know if he double-boooks or triple-books his patients. I just know that you are guaranteed a 2-3 hour wait any time you go to see him. However, he is a very thorough doctor and really seems to "know his stuff".

The laser treatment itself is a very uncomfortable procedure but only takes five minutes. They strap your head in once you have your chin on the chin rest. Smart move! Because they then shoot 400 hunded injections of light into your eye. After about the first minute, you begin to feel like you can't tolerate any more; and the natural instinct is to recoil. It takes a concentrated effort to stay with it even though you have no other choice available at the moment.

I came out of there not being able to see anyting for the first little while. I immediately put on my dark sunglasses (that I got for just this occasion) and left them on until bedtime.

There seems to be a slight improvement in my vision already - although I can't help but wonder if it's just my imagination. Time will tell.

One down - four more to go.

Confirmation

2009-01-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

Klondike Kate

2009-01-20T05:50:00.000-08:00

Kate was no young kitten when she first set out for the Klondike. She had led a full life in a town so small, it was not even on the map.

Actually she had never planned on leaving the soft warm nest of straw in the big, airy barn. She thought she would always stay in the small family circle with her older brother and sister. She was not very adventurous - much preferred the feelings of safety and security that the barn provided. Besides, the first time she ventured outside her comfort zone; she almost lost her life to two vultures who quickly swooped down upon her.

After that Kate's curiosity was satisfied by exploring the deep inner realms of her own nature; and until now they provided adventures enough to keep her satisfied.

Kate had a vivid imagination which provided a rich inner life in her daytime world. And she had long ago learned how to navigate the night time world of dreams which provided all the extra adventure she could handle.

She raised her two young kittens and watched them, and their kittens after them, make their mark on life's trail.

She was putting all her efforts into preparing for the final sleep that comes to everybody when she received an invitation to take a trip to the Klondike with some pioneers. They held out the promise of fine meals served on their best china.

They had covered too many miles for her to turn back by the time she realized this was not going to be a free ride. Everything has a price even if you don't realize it at the time. By choosing one thing, you give up another.

The pioneers kept their promise of eating on fine china every night - but the meal they served up was often beans and hot dogs. But that was okay. It was not the meals or the fine china that drew her anyway. It was the mystery of the wagon wheels - turning round and round. All those spokes reaching out from the same centre to an ever expanding universe. Was it the same with people? She had to find out.

She had searched deep enough inside herself to know her own true colors. But now she hungered to know what those colors would look like when mixed with the colors of others. She had a lot of good ideas; but her intensity scared most people off before they really got to know her. Only a handful of people got through all those walls she had built around herself many years ago.

One day she stumbled onto the trail of an illusionist who covered his heavy duty path with games. These games delighted the participants so much that they were deep into the fun of playing before they realized the painful price of admission was personal growth.

But it looked like everyone was having so much fun that she wanted to be a part of it. All she had to do was lighten up. She had been wanting to do this for quite some time now anyway - had even tried it once or twice - and found she enjoyed it. And everyone seemed to enjoy her so much more as well.

So without hesitation, she cast her old identity aside and gave herself over to permanently being Klondike Kate - explorer of the outer realms.

One Day At A Time

2009-01-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Be as gentle and respectful with yourself as you are with others.

Embrace your past and dance
into your future.

Life is for living.

Prayer For The Day

2009-01-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

The light of God surrounds me,
The love of God enfolds me,
The power of God protects me,
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is; and all is well.

Back To My Self

2009-01-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

Hello long lost Self. It's great to see you again.

I changed my blogging photo. It means that I am back in touch with myself and ready to Stand Alone - on my own two feet - and face the world.

It is interesting about the symbolism of all that wood behind me. Wood keeps showing up in my dreams as the thoughts and feelings that need to be processed for transformation to take place. As you can see - there was a ton of it. But it IS behind me.

And now back to the reality of the day this photo was taken: It was a day very early on in the friendship with my second husband. He was going to spend the day in the woods with his brother, father, and mother. I was delighted to receive an invitation to join them if I wanted.

We had a wonderful day. Keith brought along some moose meat and some vegetables; and we cooked a stew over an open fire.

After spending most of my grown-up life living and working in Toronto; this was a whole new world for me. And one I loved!

Hospital Healing On All Levels

2009-01-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

I went in the hospital three days before Christmas. I was too sick to care; and actually it was the best place for me to be because none of my family was able to be home this year.

I was amazed at how many people took time out of their busy schedules to visit me not only on Christmas Eve Day; but also on Christmas Day itself - the kindest, most generous gifts of all. My heartfelt thanks to all of you!

The Christmas carollers came in every night - including Christmas Eve. The hospital even cooked us a Christmas dinner. Mind you, it didn't taste like it would at home but they put forth the effort - and that's what counts.

My minister taped the Christmas Eve service; and loaned me his tape player so I could listen to it. He also lent me five tapes of his favorite speaker - his mentor. That's how I spent Christmas Day listening to those tapes. And the tape of the Christmas Eve service was so beautiful that I listened to it five nights in a row before going to sleep. I think one of my favorite parts was at the end of the tape, after the service was over, with all the voices I recognized wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

The rest of my time during my hospital stay was spent reading the book my granddaughter bought for me this Christmas. She lets me choose a book that I want every Christmas; and I love it. This year I chose Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I had read somebody else's copy of this book back in the fall and wanted a copy of my own so I could read it over and over. Even though I only got halfway through it; it really helped me to put things into perspective. Recognizing when the ego has taken control once again - and getting in touch with the awareness behind the ego is a lifetime job.

I used this opportunity to work on myself at other levels, as well. My biggest complaint has been that they have places for alcoholics to go for rehabilitation. They have places for drug addicts to go for rehabilitaion. But they don't have any place for food addicts to go for rehabilitation. I very quickly made up my mind to use this as the opportunity that I have been longing for. The second day I was there, I asked them to put me on a calorie-restricted diet so I could get started doing what I was wanting to do for a long time - lose some weight and regain some of my lost mobility. They obliged by putting me on a 1500 calorie diet and I lost my first 16 pounds.

They say it takes three weeks to form a new habit. Having been there just three days short of three weeks - and having the chance to see how they would put the meals together has put me at a real advantage. It has not been a problem at all keeping it up at home.

I even learned that the diabetic counselling staff is putting on a six week program called "Changing Your Relationship With Food". I did not waste a minute signing up for it.

This is the year, folks. Nothing can hold me back now. Expect to see this rose in full bloom in the year of 2009.

Obscured Vision

2009-01-15T05:41:00.000-08:00

Did you ever notice that what is going on in your emotional life - if not resolved - eventually shows up in your physical life.

Keep in mind that the left side of the body represents the past; and the right side of the body represents the future.

About a year after my first husband died, I tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell with all my weight going on my right knee. After that, the knee would give out on me occasionally; thereby hampering my ability to move into the future. It also caused me to rely overheavily on my left leg causing extra wear and tear on that knee.

Four years after my second husband died, I was still struggling with a part of myself that wanted to go to him - to be With him. I had a flat tire on the highway and ended up going over a forty foot embankment. I suffered a deep wound in my left leg which quickly became infected from the pieces of metal and glass that were in the wound. It took a long time to heal and left a deep scar on my leg - very symbolic of what my past had done to me internally. The accident also finished off my knees - thereby hampering my movement into the future even more.

Upon returning home from my brother's funeral in early November, I awoke to a right eye that I could barely see out of - symbolic of my increasing limited vision for the future. To prevent blindness, I have to receive laser treatments - symbolic of the extra light I need to take in to give me hope for the future.

My son and his bride of one year are delayed in their move to Ontario; and they don't get away until shortly before Christmas. My granddaughter goes out to Alberta to spend Christmas with her sister and mother. My sister goes out to her son's for Christmas. For the first time in my life, I have to spend Christmas completely alone. It is too soon after my brother's death for me to cope well with this.

I am saved from having to spend Christmas alone by having congestive heart failure; going into the hospital three days before Christmas and coming home nine days after the new year begins.

This makes three times since my second husband's death that I almost died - first a stroke - then an accident - and now this.

"Enough is enough.," I say to myself. "It's time to sh-t or get off the pot. Either die and get it over with; or pull up your socks and get on with living.

I choose the latter!

Betrayal

2009-01-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

I don't think it is my brother's death that caused me so much grief; as the way he died.

By the time you are sixty, you have accepted death as a part of life - even though it is never easy for anyone involved.

My brother put so much trust in his doctors that he believed right to the very end that he was going to get better. He tolerated the tortuous treatment they were prescribing because he thought it meant he could go home and have a few more years with his family.

I believe those very doctors he put his faith in knew from the outset that he didn't stand a chance of recovery from the leukemia. And with one kidney recently removed, he stood very little chance of surviving the chemotherapy.

It would have been so much better all the way around if they had levelled with him. They have plenty of medication that can keep you relatively pain-free while you live out the remainder of your life with the comfort of your family.

It was the same when my husband died seven years ago. As soon as the cancer was diagnosed, he was sent to a cancer specialist who said they would start chemotherapy right away. We took it for granted this meant my husband's cancer was treatable.

The chemo caused my husband to vomit continuously to the day he died - even after the treatments were aborted because they were not helping. A month after the treatments were started, I was shown a letter this same specialist wrote to our family doctor stating, "I don't expect this to do any good, but we will give chemo a try."

My husband had a right to that information so he could make an informed decision. He may still have gone with the chemo - but at least it would have been His decision.

If we hire a lawyer for legal purposes, we expect that he will give us ALL the infomation and help us to make an informed decision. We should be able to expect the same from our medical profession.

My Brother's Passing

2009-01-13T03:17:00.000-08:00

It is time to start working through the life experiences of the last few months. The emotions have just continued to build up until they almost buried me.

That is my way - like an old dog withdrawing from life to lick his wounds - surfacing again only when the pain has subsided to a manageable level.

My bother was aware of unnamed health problems since February. Our family only became aware of this in July when he was too ill to come home for our mother's birthday. I called him weekly after that so I could hear his voice and keep in touch with what was going on for him.

The end of September - what the doctors were calling a cyst on my brother's kidney was now being called a tumor - and they were going to have to remove one kidney. I was scared to make my weekly call after the surgery - but pushed myself and was rewarded by hearing a voice that sounded surprisingly well.

Then I had the dream: My brother and I are standing at a wide chasm in the field out behind our childhood home. I am attempting to help him cross over but it is too wide at this point. I walk closer to the house to see if I can find a spot where it might be easier to cross. I find such a spot; and turn to tell my brother. But he is already on the other side. Amazed I say to him, "How did you get over there so quickly?"

The next day, I receive the news that on his first check-up after the surgery, the doctor informed my brother that he had leukemia and he would have to go back into the hospital to begin chemotherapy.

I give thanks to God that I have learned to pay attention to what my dreams are telling me. That is the only reason I found the courage to pull myself out of the deep (safe) rut I had carved for myself - and go to my brother.

The trip terrified and overwhelmed me. Thankfully, I did not have to make the trip alone. My youngest brother drove the thousand miles that would get us there. My youngest sister and her daughter came as well. The plan was for them to stay the weekend so they could visit my brother; and then they would return home - leaving me behind to help in whatever way I could.

I let everyone else have the first day to visit my brother on their own - with my sister-in-law. I needed a day to recuperate from the trip; and also to gather my courage for the visit.

The next day, when I arrived at the hopital, my brother was sitting on the side of the bed facing the door when I came in. He had lost a lot of weight - was weak and shaky - but he pulled himself to his feet to greet me. We just stood there holding each other for a couple minutes, crying in each other's arms. Those two minutes made the whole trip worthwhile.

I got to visit with him the next two days; and then he was moved into intensive care - dying just a few short days after that.

Love

2008-11-07T05:15:00.000-08:00

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Courage

2008-10-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes courage is nothing more than daring to go on living - alone - after having been part of a couple.

It's daring to go back out into the world, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, as you walk into an unknown future - taking all of your Self with you.

Life Is Not Over Until It's Over

2008-10-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

The old man picked up his paintbrush that had laid there gathering dust for many years now. He found a piece of canvas that was still useable even though discolored with age.

With fingers crippled from arthritis, he painstakingly applied the paint to the empty canvas in front of him. Many hours later he stepped back to see what picture wanted to be painted so strongly that it pulled him out of his usual idle malaise.

The scene was of six sailboats being pushed across the lake by a breeze that was both playful and purposeful at the same time. White clouds gathered in the sky, contrasting sharply with the deep green of the horizon.

Where had this scene come from......A place so deep inside himself that he didn't even know it existed?

As he stood looking at the picture in wonderment, he heard a divine voice in his head asking, "Whom shall we send?"

With every fibre of his being, he cried out, "I will go! Send Me!"

Memories Are For Keeps

2008-10-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

The present is for making new ones.......

But it is also colored by memories from my past.

These memories from my past, that live on in my heart, make me who I am today. A little more able to be and to do...........A little less able to be and to do..........

Life is a process.....birth and death......every happening has a little of each in it.

You can't force either one. Like a flower blossoming in its own time and season.....

We have to patiently live out the Moment.....dying to.....being born to.....

A Look At Love

2008-10-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller

Two images came to my mind when I read these words a week or so ago. One was the image of a tough ex-marine enjoying milk and cookies with his toddler granddaughter - as shared on his blog.

The other image that came up for me was witnessed by my granddaughter - The aging alcoholic was sitting in his usual spot - the bench not far from the liquor store - waiting for it to open. A well-dressed man went up to him and, giving him a sandwich said, "You be sure to eat that before you start drinking, now, so you don't get sick."

Inner Guidance

2008-09-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

Did you ever give your all to a project that ended successfully....and you're pleased....but tired.

And now that it is over, you realize it was only a drop in the bucket - so much more is needed. But you don't know where to go from here.

I was making the mistake, at this point, of letting my head do the thinking instead of my heart.

And I was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Good thing a friend reminded me to just "BE" in the moment. That is when you are in direct alignment with God - and only then can you expect to be guided.

On The Road Again

2008-08-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Do not dwell in the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the
present moment.

- Buddha

This is how I am living my life these days................

And I am having trouble keeping up with myself.

It is exciting. It is exhilarating. Not for one minute is it boring.

I do not stop to think, "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?" Only, "Is this what I want to be doing this moment?"

If the answer is yes, then I go for it.

I have no idea where any of it will lead me - and it doesn't matter. If I am doing what I want to be doing in the moment, then I can rest assured life will take me where I am meant to go.

Not A Caterpillar Any More

2008-08-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.

"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

-Trina Paulus (Hello From Heaven)

This has been a busy week - full of Life; and a death. An exciting week - with many twists and turns. It was one of those weeks where you have no other choice but to go with the flow - no time to stop and think where anything might be leading - because you are too busy responding to Life.

And now with the weekend ahead of me, I can catch up to myself. Incorporate some of what I have experienced. Become grounded once again.

Get in touch with myself - a little bit changed by all that has been going on around me - but not so much that a lot of work has to be done to be in tune.

I feel more relaxed with Life than I ever have in the past - more comfortable with myself and with others than I can ever remember being.

It is so much fun interacting with people when you feel comfortable with yourself - and can just Be.

I have always admired (maybe even envied) people who felt comfortable with who they were. You could tell they felt at home with themselves in a way not everybody does.

I can't tell anyone how to get to that spot with themselves. I just know that I have finally made it to that spot with myself. Perhaps part of it is learning to love and accept yourself just as you are instead of holding out until you are nicer or prettier - or even more slender.

Try it; it really is worth the effort.

Attitude - Who Me?

2008-08-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

A word of explanation to my faithful readers as to why I haven't been blogging much lately.

When I dropped the role of grieving widow this spring and rejoined the human race, I found that I was having to "feel my way" with every step I took.

Maybe part of me was waiting for the "bottom to drop out".

I think I dare to express some of what I am experiencing now that I have "my feet under me".

Yesterday a friend shared some information with me which made me realize that I really can trust the Universe (Higher Power, God). I haven't done much of that since the love of my life succumbed to cancer nearly seven years ago.

Today I was forced to acknowledge once again that "acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me - Without an attitude."

Out There

2008-07-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

Out there
you'll see it all.
The floating ends
will meet and mend,
and you will be yourself;
your fully-formed,
though always changing,
self of selves.
Every clumsy backward look
will pay for itself.
Every tear you've cried,
or wanted to cry,
will set your broken bones.
The rips in your heart
will no longer
need to be guarded
by steel girders,
banyan trees,
or even rice paper.
Not so much as a
dragonfly's wing
will you need
to cover the bludgeoned place,
to protect the private you
you love so much
and hope to save intact
from what has seemed years
of relentless pummeling.

Go and live and love
in peace, my friend,
for surely there is love
to enfold you,
and life to be feasted upon:
your portion is boundless.
Love will be the more
you've wanted.
You will know it
when you see it.
You will love yourself
as no lover
has ever had the courage
to love;
and the warmth you've wanted
will line your pillowcases,
dance upon your windowsill,
and hide
at the ends of your socks
awaiting your toes.

-Deborah Mears

Living Simply

2008-07-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have saved this for years - always aspiring to live up to it - often falling far short to parts of it. It was written by William Ellery Channing:

MY SYMPHONY

To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard, think quietly,
talk gently, act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds, to babes
and sages, with open heart;
To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely,
await occasion, hurry never;
In a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious, grow up
through the common ....
this is to be my symphony.

Rules Of Everyday Living

2008-07-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

I was going through some papers the other day and came across the "Girl Guide Laws" that were left behind by my niece from when she stayed with me.

I couldn't help thinking how much better the world would be if we all incorporated these concepts into our "rules of everyday living":

BE HONEST AND TRUSTWORTHY

USE MY RESOURCES WISELY

RECOGNIZE AND USE MY TALENTS AND ABILITIES

PROTECT OUR COMMON ENVIRONMENT

LIVE WITH COURAGE AND STRENGTH

SHARE IN THE SISTERHOOD OF GUIDING

Everyone on board with me?

Empowerment

2008-07-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

There is not one of us whose has not felt powerless at one time or another - both in our own lives and in witnessing the lives of others.

Wollf, over at www.howlsatmoon.blogspot.com introduced me to Irena Sendler today. What an affirmation for what one person can do to change a hopeless situation.

In researching her story a little further, I came across this quote by a rabbi (they didn't name him though and I wasn't able to track him down) but wanted to pass on these encouraging words: "For darkness to take over, it must completely fill a room. But one little flicker of light, a single lit match, can bring light to the whole room."

All of us are not called to such acts of heroism as Irena Sendler was (thank God). But let us not back down when it comes our turn to light a match in a small way - as it will, without a doubt, in each of our lives.

A Special Tribute To Dads Who Cook

2008-06-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

Wollf left a comment on my food blog which opened the door for many wonderful memories to walk across my mind today. I had great fun reliving food experiences with my Dad.

He worked six days a week, and had a quick breakfast on these days; but on his day off (Sundays) he liked to cook. He would start out by putting coffee on to perk and then prepare himself some bacon and eggs. This tradition continued long after we all married and left home. When we vacationed at home, many of us would make sure we were up out of bed in time to have breakfast cooked for us by Dad.

After breakfast, he would throw together a batch of whole wheat rolls to serve with the roast beef he was going to cook for Sunday dinner.

Shortly before I got married, he started making clam chowder for supper on Friday nights. I was the only other person in the house who would eat clam chowder, so he would make a small batch for the two of us. For many months after I got married, I would walk back up home on Friday nights just to join him for chowder night.

In later years he started having some Saturdays off and he got into making pizza or lasagne or sweet and sour spareribs; but those memories belong to some of the younger children. I know about them but was rarely there to be a part of them.

We seem to take for granted those endless meals our mothers prepare for us while treasuring the few that our fathers prepare.

My second husband endeared himself to my grown daughter and two granddaughters by cooking them their own special pancakes every now and then shaped in their initials. They felt so loved every time he did this for them.

And until he died, Christmas mornings were special because he and my son would cook breakfast for us "womenfolk". Needless to say, it became the most special breakfast of the year.

Bet you Dads didn't realize what long-lasting memories you are creating in the kitchen.

Blossoming

2008-06-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

A friend shared those words with me yesterday from her Daily Reading book. I find them beautiful; and they say exactly where I am in my journey through life.

I do not know why I spent 59 years in hiding. All I know is that I can't stay there one second longer. As challenging as I find some of those moments to be without all the props I spent my life hiding behind, it is just no longer an option.

Seeking The Sacred

2008-06-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

I tend to avoid book studies that just want to look at books from an intellectual point of view. We can get lost in our thinking mind way too easily. I have, however, had the good fortune to be a part of two or three book studies that were well worth the time and effort that went in to them.

Right now I am part of a group that is looking at "Seeking The Sacred" (Leading a Spiritual Life in a Secular World). The chapter we were looking at this week was written by Marion Woodman and the question that raised the most discussion was "What do you think the difference is between spirit and soul?"

It did not take us long to be completely bogged down as each of our thinking minds took us down mind-boggling paths that were increasingly complicated, complex and confusing. After I gave up trying to think of an answer for what each of these words means to me - with my thinking mind(Egoic) out of the way - my nonthinking (Creative) mind was then freed up to give me an image for the soul. And what came to me, interestingly enough, was a kernel of corn inside of an onion. From the moment of conception, each negative or unloving life experience adds another layer to the onion. Each loving or compassionate life experience takes away a layer of the onion.

My dream that night gave me a working image of the spirit - an abandoned vehicle. While the soul does not leave the body until death - the spirit, which is energy, can choose to abandon the body (where the heart resides) and live in the head (mind). Furthermore, we can be unaware that we have done this. Or becoming aware, we are not sure how to reverse it.

Anyone else want to take on this challenge and enlighten me further?

Connection

2008-06-13T03:35:00.000-07:00

We came together at a book study - knowing each other only well enough to say "hello" to.

We had each walked very different paths up until then.

She was very Conscious, Aware, Responsible and Effective in the outside world.

I was very Conscious, Aware, Responsible and Effective in my inner world.

I had just reached the point in my life's journey where I was willing to see what I could do in the outside world - coming fully from Self rather than under the guise of all the different roles I had played in my lifetime.

I got the impression from different things she said that she was at the point in her life journey where she thinking of exploring her inner world a little more deeply.

Present one to the other - two very seemingly different people - not so different after all - just coming at life from different directions.

That momentary connection was powerful. Stimulating. Life-giving.

Being Present to the moment is not something we give a lot of thought or awareness to until someone like Eckhart Tolle comes along reminding you of the importance of being Present.

Sometimes we are enjoying the moment so much that we are fully Present to it. Other times we only half give ourselves to the moment - being occupied with other thoughts that are consuming us.

My memories are taking me back to many familiar moments. Interesting that even now, after all these years, I can pinpoint which ones I was fully Present to and which ones were marred by my unavailability. Moments I wish I could do over and be Present to. That not being possible, all I can do is focus on not letting any more opportunities for Connection pass me by.

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway

2008-06-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have started over so many times in my life - in one way or another. And each time I started over, I had to deal with that element of fear.

Where does that fear come from? What's behind it? Do I really need to know?

Or do I just need to feel the fear - and do it anyway!

Solitude In Community

2008-05-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Henri Nouwen wrote some interesting words on Community that helped me to realize why my expectations of Community were never met. My expectations were faulty - they were never meant to be realized. It is better that they were never met. It made me dig deeper inside myself - where the solution lay waiting to be found.

"Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community."

Excerpt from "Bread For The Journey".

Living Life Abundantly

2008-05-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day for me.

I found myself facing the world with a heart that was open and receptive. It has been a long time since I felt capable of doing that to the degree that I did today. And I enjoyed myself immensely.

We are called to keep that inner spark alive as we step out in faith - trusting that we will be given the inner resources to handle whatever life puts in our path.

It felt good to finally be able to do that once again.

Designer Lives

2008-05-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

When we were in town today, we saw one of those "bumblebee yellow" bronco-type vehicles. I said to my granddaughter, "If I were young, beautiful, and rich, I would buy one of those cars." But I know that I wouldn't have. Even if I was young, beautiful, and rich. Those vehicles just don't fit who I am; or ever was. They stand out so much from other vehicles that I think you would have to be pretty comfortable with yourself to drive one. Maybe that is why I am always so fascinated with those vehicles; and with the people who drive them.

If I was young and naive once again - not realizing that you have to work with what you have inside you, I may have tried to change myself to fit the car - but I doubt it.

It was always those inner qualities that I wanted bad enough to try to force myself into believing they were a part of me before I actually had the chance to grow into them.

I didn't realize that, for most of us, those qualities come only with age and lots of painful lessons. It's not like going to Sears and choosing this one, that one, and another one to go with it.

It takes a long time, a lot of effort, and a willingness to be patient. A lot of waiting goes into birthing any quality worth having - and there is a price to be paid each step of the way - a sacrifice that has to be made. It is not as easy as fishing a few coins out of our pocket and being done with it.

Now I am content to be who I am. It feels good to finally be at peace with the face I see in the mirror. I don't want to make any more sacrifices in hopes of becoming a better person. For today, I am choosing to keep what little I have left and leave the designing to braver or more foolhardy souls.

The Birthing Process

2008-04-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

Henri Nouwen writes that "patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are".

That is not always easy for us to do because sometimes the here and now is a very painful place to be. The last thing we want to do is to live it fully.

We want to move on from here - quickly! To be any place else but here. And if we can't do that, then we want to dull our senses - distract ourselves from the pain that feels too big to bear.

"We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else......Trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."

I discovered the truth of this statement when I started being present to myself in the moment - even though I wanted the moment to be very different from what it was. I just opened myself up to it anyway - accepted my life situation as it was this very moment - instead of needing it to be different. I accepted myself as I was this very moment - not needing me to be different. And THEN, the moment I did that, my life changed. I changed.

All I had to do was stop trying to run into the future - stop running from who my past carved me out to be - and LIVE being the treasure I didn't even know I was - in spite of all my wounds. Wounds that made me feel different in a "not okay" way - not realizing that it is these very wounds that make each of us special in our own way.

Our own unique gift that each of us bring into the world to share with others is waiting to be born through these "birthing pains" that we are so busy trying to run away from.

Be Still. A great Self is about to be born. Soon. And all you need to do is be present to the metamorphosis that is completely beyond your control. Your resistance will only slow it down.

The pain is only temporary - a natural part of the birthing process.

And as with any birth, once you are holding this new Self in your arms, you will be so delighted that you will forget every painful moment it took to get you here.

A Touch Of Joy - A Touch Of Sorrow

2008-04-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

"Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we're overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy." - Henri Nouwen

Today has been a joyful day. My husband would have loved being a part of it.

To help me choose recipes for the cookbook I'm working on, I had my bible study group come for a pancake breakfast. I made the toppings yesterday - strawberry and blueberry.

The minister manned the griddle and cooked the bacon and the pancakes for us - regular, buttermilk, and pumpkin.

I baked apples in maple syrup to go with the pumpkin pancakes; and we finished off with a taste of pumpkin custard.

What a tremendous way to start off our day and our bible study.

I'm glad that I have healed enough to be able to enjoy these wonderful high moments of life once again; without having to suffer the terrible lows that immediately follow them earlier on in the grief process.

Today I Get On With Living

2008-04-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am just coming awake after a long sleep. The sun is shining in the blue sky. The green grass has come alive under the little robins' feet as they search for food. Spring is certainly in the air.

This morning, while going through some papers, I was moved to tears (healing ones) once again by these words from Jan Suberman:

Forgive me
if you, my beloved,
my love, have died.

All the leaves
will fall on my breasts.

It will rain on my soul,
all day, all night.

My feet will want to march
to where you are sleeping.

But I must go on living.

Life On Our Planet

2008-04-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Today I am realizing that the most important thing in the world for each of us is to find a way to express all the love that is uniquely ours to give.

It will be expressed in different guises throughout our lifetime. And some of the ways we find to express it, we will be better at than other ways.

Our expressions of love will not always be recognized by others for what they are - feeble or misguided attempts to express our love.

Sometimes the love we have to give will probably be expressed in some pretty warped ways as we try to find our way back to sanity.

We all have our wounded areas that interfere with our abilities to freely express the love we came into this world with; but these imperfections are what make each of us the special people that we are capable of becoming.

On The Move

2008-04-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

I was living in Toronto when my children started kindergarten and I had to start crossing the busy streets without a hand to hold. That was when I learned how dependent I had become on those little hands in mine. I felt so vulnernable as I walked alone.

It seems to me today, as I reflect on that memory, it has been the pattern of my life. Over and over again, I was forced to learn how to stand on my own two feet - walk on my own two legs - without a hand to hold onto.

It's always scarey at first - best to take small steps just starting out. That way it is not so overwhelming. And before long, you remember how to do it; and next thing you know, you are trying to catch up to yourself.

Six Word Memoir Meme

2008-04-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by www.lindasog.com to define myself in six words. I have been giving thought to it all weekend, and though I came up with some that fit for the moment, they didn't fit for the majority of the time.

I actually came up with two that I seem to spend my life bouncing back and forth between. Sometimes I am LOST IN FEARS/INSECURITIES ONCE AGAIN and sometimes I pull myself together and then I am STILL STUMBLING ALONG GRATEFUL TO SERVE.

I am going to have to default on the second half of this tag, though. The only person I can think to harass is www.howlsatmoon.blogspot.com - He brought it on himself by rattling my cage and telling me to "get at it".

Let The Love Flow

2008-04-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

I remember reading someplace once that you should not hate your addiction. It is your doorway to God.

At that time, I really could not understand what they were talking about. But I guess I must have filed it away somewhere so it could resurface once I grew to the point where I had experienced a little bit of that truth for myself.

Whenever I fought my addiction, it just grew stronger - gaining another foothold on my soul.

Finally, I surrendered to it. "I don't have any more time to waste fighting you," I said to my addiction. "I am going to live my life in spite of you."

And that is when I found out that my addiction was hiding a gift of hospitality that comes natural to me. An awareness of, and a respect for, what happens when people break their fast (end their isolation) and come together over food. An enjoyment of one another. A reaching out towards one another. All that I hungered for was there all along. I just didn't recognize it because I was being distracted by the fight that was going on inside me.

God was there all along - right in the midst of things - telling me to chill out. Relax and let the love flow. Let go of those reins of control. The love energy is too strong to be controlled by human hands. It just requires an act of surrender on your part/my part.

We recognize the strength of that energy. We know that we can not control where it will take us. Funny when I think of it - because no matter where it takes us, it has to be better than where we are at. Control never takes us anywhere worth being. Surrender to any level of love seems to take an act of courage on our part. Is it a fear of heights that hold us back - because that is where love always takes us - to unimagined heights - new levels of awareness.

Silver Lining

2008-04-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

We have all heard it said that every cloud has a silver lining.

I am now realizing the silver lining that came with my car accident.

Because of the mobility problems the accident left me with, I now feel justified in giving myself permission to go into semi-hibernation during the winter months.

Besides no longer having to go out in below zero temperatures, this has given me the opportunity to get in touch with a deeper part of myself - a part that can now go out into the world and interact with it very differently than I did before the accident.

Today was a town day and I was very much in touch with this new part of me; and the excitement that it was feeling. I was seeing with new eyes and feeling with new senses; and it WAS exciting. The whole experience felt good.

An ordinary person doing ordinary things; and enjoying it.

A Quote From Lin-Chi

2008-03-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

Just be ordinary and nothing special....Put on your clothes and eat your food.

When you're tired, go and lie down.

Ignorant people will laugh at you, but the wise will understand.

Oprah.com

2008-03-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'm not usually one to jump on the bandwagon. I avoid them like the plague.

And I never thought I would become a member of http://www.oprah.com/ even though she has a lot of good things going on - it just never was my cup of tea.

But after reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth, I decided that I wanted to listen to the interview. I wasn't disappointed. In fact, I would recommend listening to the interviews even if you don't plan on reading the book. If you are ready for it, what he is saying will change your life.

They had some technical problems with the video for chapter one, so you are better off with the audio for that one interview.

If you check it out, get ready to kiss a lot of your problems goodbye. Some of them just won't matter so much any more.

Going Beyond The Ego

2008-03-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

A friend loaned me a book to read. I can't believe my good fortune - she even asked me to highlight, underline, and mark it up for her. You would think it couldn't get any better than that EXCEPT it is just exactly what I need to read right now to move me forward a couple steps in the right direction.

The loaner turned out to be Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening To Your Life's Purpose". It is all about the ego and our over-identification with our thoughts. This is where I am at in the book:

"Although body-identification is one of the most basic forms of ego, it is also the one that you can most easily go beyond. This is done not by trying to convince yourself that you are not your body, but by shifting your attention from the external form of your body and FROM THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR BODY - to the feeling of aliveness inside it. No matter what your body's appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form it is an intensely alive energy field."

But, it gets even better. He goes on to give an exercise that is EXTREMELY EASY TO DO which will increase your "inner body" awareness.

"Close your eyes for a moment and find out if there is life inside your hands....become aware of the subtle feeling of aliveness inside them.....If you hold your attention in your hands for a while, the sense of aliveness will intensify....Then go to your feet, keep your attention there for a minute or so, and begin to feel your hands and feet at the same time. Then incorporate other parts of the body - legs, arms, abdomen, chest, and so on - until you are aware of the inner body as a global sense of aliveness....Make it a habit to feel the inner body as often as you can...When you are in touch with the inner body, you are not identified with the body anymore, nor are you identified with the mind. This is to say, you are no longer identified with form but moving away from form-identification toward formlessness, which we may also call Being. It is your essence identity. Body awareness not only anchors you in the present moment, it is a doorway out of the prison that is the ego.

EASTER

2008-03-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

It is Easter weekend! The time of rebirth and renewal.

There is a lot going on for us this weekend. My daughter has made it home from Alberta for a visit. Her daughters are just Delighted to have their mother home for awhile.

The oldest granddaughter is graduating from university this spring; so we will be celebrating that achievement, as well, while her mother is here to take part in the celebration.

They have all taken off to Bangor, Maine on a major shopping trip. Exciting stuff! I am content to stay home and catch up to myself. My blogs are showing signs of neglect while I have been busy "making merry" one way or another. As Martha Stewart would say, "That is a good thing." It is not always something I knew how to do.

It feels good to have all my inner issues dealt with to the point where I am not bogged down with head stuff. I finally feel free to pursue the things that interest me. I am slowed down a little, perhaps, by some body limitations - but I am still a whole lot freer than when it was my inner demons holding me back.

Life is good! Thanks to all of you who were a contributing factor in helping it to become so! I hope you have a good Easter!

The Flight Of The Mourning Dove

2008-03-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

I was given my first native name by a blogging friend I never met."Paints With Words" is what he named me in response to my style of writing. I took that as a great compliment.

After reaching a new level of recovery through my blogging efforts, I was awarded another native name in my dreams. Now, I get a lot of help and guidance from my dreams - have been for the last twenty-eight years. So, I pay close attention to any information that comes to me through my dreams. "Mourning Dove" is the new name I have been given - and I was told to spell it with a "u" in Mourning.

That dream came about a month ago. A lot has happened in that time. And I am beginning to understand why that name fits the direction that is presenting itself to me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life in mourning. It began before I was even old enough to know what I was mourning for. Maybe I will never know. It's no longer important for me to know.

All I know is this. A couple weeks ago, I realized that I needed to start a blog about food. And the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. It was through a blog that I worked out all that was left to work out with my first husband.

It was through this blog that I reached the point where I was finally able to let go of my second husband who has been dead for 6 1/2 years. It only makes sense to me that if I wish to form a new relationship with food, a blog is the most effective place for me to do it.

When I delved further into how I wanted to do my food blog, I realized that I actually needed two blogs. One for the food that I was attempting to let go of; and another blog for the healthier food that I making a part of my everyday world now.

If you are interested in checking them out, here are the links:

www.buddingrose4u.wordpress.com is called Cooking From Scratch where I am posting my family's favorites - some from more than one generation of food lovers.

www.gramskitchen.wordpress.com is called Good4uFood where I am posting the new healthier recipes as I find them and try them; along with any helpful tips I come across.

I am very excited by this new adventure in my life. It is So Right on more levels than I can even mention at this point - but I am sure that I will do so over time.

You know how things, once they are started, take on a life of their own; and take you with them. I already feel that happening in the short bit of time that I have been doing this.