Mystical Moments

My favorite part of Christmas are those unexpected, magical moments that border on the mystical.

Watch for them.

They are there for each and every one of us to savor if we remain open to them.

I'm My Own Grandma

It is interesting that these two young people are coming home at the same time.

Candace, my granddaughter. The wannabe princess. Who is so much more already than she longs to be. But she values these qualities very little. The very things I love most about her.

And Tom, my nephew by marriage. The rebel warrior who refuses to fit into mainstream society in any way. Lives a bit like a gypsy except for remaining in the same place. He will arrive a few days from now.

Before going to sleep last night, I said a prayer for any ancestors that needed prayers. This is not something I have done before. Someone else recently made me aware of reasons for doing this.

Strangely enough, it was a young part of myself that I dreamt of. She came knocking at the door of the house I grew up in.

The second dream I had was of Tom arriving early - knocking at the door of the house I live in now. I opened the door to the darkness - then began feeling vulnerable as I became more aware of the darkness I was facing.

The words of wisdom that came my way this morning - "You stand in your own light. Make it shine."

Recluse

This is my home - my refuge - my sanctuary.

Here I am as safe as one can be from the world at large.

Or, like Rapunzel, am I a prisoner of my own making.

It does not matter.

For now, it is where my heart desires to be.

Maybe I am just digesting all that has transpired the last two years while I have been so actively involved in the outside world.

But here I am - snug as a bug in a rug. With no desire to be anyplace else. Surrounded by my books and papers. Words that tease my senses - safely.

Journeying to inner worlds. Exploring new dimensions. Excited by the possibilities.

I have done this before - several times. And have always unearthed buried treasures. Tools that make my life different than before.

Echoes of a Dark Nature

The question to ask myself is not "Can I forgive my friend for behaving this way towards me?"

but rather:

"Am I able to forgive myself for having as part of my makeup that offensive quality she echoed for me?"

A New Way Of Doing Things

Part of this new way of living requires that I keep my house in order as much as possible.

Which also means keeping my mind in order.

I have noticed for a long time now that the condition of my living quarters reflects the state of my mind. If my thinking is messed up, it doesn't take long to show itself in my surroundings.

Therefore, I make a personal commitment to dot all my i's and cross all my t's as soon as I write them from here on in.

Stockpile nothing!

My number one priority now is to make every move count for something.

From here on in, I will only invest my energy in the things that matter most to me.

One day at a time. One step at a time. And only if it fits for me at this moment in my life.

What do I want to do today with the leg power and the energy I have available to me.

From here on in, I wish to be more realistic about the resources I have available to me which will make me more efficient in the outside world.

No small matter since I have always found the outside world a little too overwhelming for my comfort.

Gourmet Living

My mobility has worsened. I am finding it much harder to get around these days.

For this reason, I have to begin living my life gourmet style.

Quality not quantity.

Both in food choices and life choices.

Perhaps this is not a bad thing. I will be forced to eliminate the superfluous; and be left only with what really matters to me.

Withdrawal

Some people would accuse me of isolating myself.

To me, it feels more like choosing personal space and solitude.

Oh, what a relief it is.

Spiritual Tools

When my first husband died, he had been in AA for just over one year.

I inherited his little black book "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" which continues to give me what I have never been able to acquire by going to church - a spiritual program that helps me to keep in good relationship with my self, with others, and with God.

Sometimes my life gets too busy; and I make the big mistake of drifting away from the daily reading of this book. It's no coincidence that my spiritual life suffers immensely when this happens.

The last couple of months have been horrific for me as my ever- increasing fears, doubts, and resentments caused me to lose touch with the spiritual tools I had access to.

So, to remind myself and to share with others who may be interested, I am including the twelve steps of A.A. which I have adapted slightly for my personal use.

1. I admit that I am powerless over other people ; and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I turn my will and my life over to God as I understand Him.

4. I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I admit to God, to myself, and to another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

9. I make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Restoring Balance

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Grief Resolved

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

Retreat

All I can do, at any time, is respond to what speaks the loudest from my inner space.

Right now it is a need for solitude............for stillness..........for space.

Forgiveness

There are five things that you cannot recover in life:

The Stone ....after it's thrown.

The Word....after it's said.

The Occasion....after it's missed.

The Time....after it's gone.

A Person....after they die.

(Author unknown)


All you can do once you have matured enough to acknowledge mistakes you made is forgive yourself and move on.

As you get older (and hopefully wiser) there seems to be a lot of acknowledging and forgiving to do.

My inner journey took me back to where I was at personally when I started going with my first husband; and the negative feelings that fueled our relationship.

In hindsight, I realize he expressed my anger; and I fed his guilt.

Now I regret how I disrespected him; and I regret how I disrespected myself.

I vow it will not happen again now that I am more fully aware.

I will never again treat a person with disrespect. I don't have to like them. I don't have to agree with them.

But I can treat them with respect - even in my thoughts.

Reclaiming My Life

I notice that lately every action I take is aimed at reclaiming my life.

Strange, I didn't notice that I had lost it.

Freedom

While going through some papers today, I came across a quote I had saved from Craig Phillip's blog www.secondchancetolive.wordpress.com

"I no longer need to be perfect, just willing to keep my side of the street clean."

After a lifetime of trying to be perfect and failing miserably......

After a lifetime of being disappointed because nobody else seemed any better at it than me.....

After a lifetime of imposing unrealistic expectations on myself and everybody I cared about.....

I can finally take joy in being true to Craig's statement.

This has been the most freeing achievement of my life.

In The Shadows

This soulmaking business is not a one time thing.

I'm realizing now that you have to enter the darkness again and again and again....

It's always worth it when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

But once I'm in that light; boy I hate to leave again.

Lovingkindness

The teacher asked the pupils to tell the meaning of lovingkindness.

A little boy jumped up and said, "Well, if I was hungry and someone gave me a piece of bread, that would be kindness.

But if they put a little jelly on it, that would be lovingkindness.

( from God's Little Devotional Book For Women)

SURRENDER

It's happened again.

I have fallen into that lifelong pattern of "a human doing" rather than "a human being".

I realized this some months back but, for some reason, felt compelled to follow that road to the very end.

Why? What did I hope to gain? I have no idea.

All I know is that I had to keep pushing myself until there was absolutely no push left in me.

And now that I have completely exhausted myself, I feel that I can give myself permission to claim the space I need to just "BE".

I surrender. Thank God, I surrender.

A Little Rambling

Has it really been that long since I posted on my favorite blog. Where did those months go?

I'm sitting here trying to retrace my steps. September...........

I finished up at the Farmer's Market and then sold most of my pickles at the Fall Fair, Of all the food and craft sales we have, the Fall Fair is my favorite. Pumpkins, scarecrows, apples, orange colors, harvest, people, life...............

I took in as many of the craft sales as I possibly could until I got sick in November. Barely recuperated in time to go to Toronto to spend Christmas with my son and his wife. My sister and I took the train which was nice. It has been years since I travelled by train; and I enjoyed it immensely.

I hope to never have to fly again. I hate it.

I don't SAY that I am never going to fly again though, because I know if I did, the universe would put something in my path that would leave me no other alternative. So I content myself with saying I hope to never have to do it again.

I arrived back home early in January with full-blown pneumonia which took all month to shake. The worst part of that though is that it left me no chance to catch up to myself. All the piles of paperwork - all the half-finished crafts - all the getting ready for Christmas mess - just sitting there - overwhelmingly!

So here it is - Spring! It came upon me before I even had a chance to hibernate. And I feel it.

Life is FULL. Fuller than it has been since my husband died. And I am loving it. There is nothing I wish to give up to claim more space for myself.

So I take life One Day At A Time focusing on "What's the next most important thing to do?" at the same time checking in with myself to be sure this is something I really wish to do.

And that brings me to today. Thanks to my friend down yonder for jiggling my chain and reminding me to sit myself down at my computer and let my thoughts begin to flow.

An unexamined life...............