Denial

I have programmed myself to think of denial as an unhealthy thing to give in to. I have gotten really angry at myself in the past for ignoring the obvious truths about certain situations. I have gotten angry at other people for refusing to see reality.

I'm having to review my beliefs on this subject. Maybe a certain amount of denial is a healthy thing - to carry us through until we are psychologically ready to handle the truth - until we have the resources we need to deal with the truth - until we have support systems in place to help us deal with it.

I'm remembering some of the seniors that I worked with over the years - one who continued doing way too much for others for a woman her age. When they finally made her face the truth, she sat down and grew old almost overnight.

A man who was sure he was going to beat the cancer that was ravaging his body - until he was shown a doctor's report that said there was no hope of beating it. So he just gave up and waited to die.

And then there was Mrs. McK. That woman lived with more denial than any person I had ever come across. They sent her home from the hospital on a three day pass not expecting her to make it through the weekend. She ended up living another three years. She was at death's doorstep more times than you could count; but she just denied it to herself every time, and kept right on living.

I wonder how you can tell when it is a healthy denial or an unhealthy one - when you are living with too much denial or not enough - or when it's time to stop living in denial once you've started living there?

How do you tell when the situation is one that would be best handled with denial? Obviously, it can't be a conscious decision or it wouldn't work.(?)

Now I'm thinking back to my friendship with my second husband, which I never believed would go beyond that - and how many times I got annoyed with myself for being willing to settle for that instead of getting on with my life. But then I would realize that if I left without having someplace else I wanted to be, or something else I wanted to be doing; then I would just be running away.

So I just stayed and enjoyed the moment...and another...and another...and another........Next thing I knew, we were married.

Shooting Straight From The Hip

The thing I love most about blogging is that it gives me one place in the world where I can speak my truth freely without having to respect someone else's sensibilities.

I grew up on cowboy movies, with John Wayne as my hero. To me, he was a man with a thinking heart(like one of my faithful commenters) who always shot straight from the hip.

I grew up in a family where no truths were spoken - in fact very little was spoken - probably out of fear that one of the many "secrets" might slip out. Actually both my parents were very quiet people who rarely communicated in front of us; and I believe both of them got buried in the overwhelming needs of a large family.

My mother found me very difficult, even in my young adulthood, because I had a strong need to express the truth as I saw it. My mother's driving need was to see the world through rose-colored glasses - even in her old age, she has not taken them off.

A while after my first husband died, my teenage daughter was acting out her grief. Finally, in desperation, I took her to a counselor and my daughter shared her truth: "It's not that Mom isn't right in what she is saying. She usually is. But it's like getting hit over the head with a sledge hammer."

It took me years of carefully observing myself to see and understand what she was talking about. Being very intuitive, I "pick up" a lot in my interactions with people; but if they make a subtle effort to communicate something to me, it goes right over my head. Verbal communications need to be very direct in order for me receive them; therefore I tend to express myself in a very direct fashion.

I understand other people's discomfort a little bit more since my niece came to live with me. She has a very literal mind and is also strongly intuitive. She notices things that even most adults are oblivious to and feels a strong need to speak her truth - whatever comes in her head comes out her mouth - annoying her peers and angering the grownups. She is forever "walking where angels fear to tread" - pointing out things that we "more civilized" adults have learned to "tune out" or "turn a blind eye to" or "keep to ourselves".

Both of us walk a fine line between the naked truth and brutal honesty. It is the way we look at the world - we are not capable of doing that part of it any other way. But where I have been able to make changes in my real world is in how much of my truth I share with the other people in it. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my life who can not live with the large amount of truth I just naturally take in, and have had to learn how to deal with.

Out of love and consideration for them, I still shoot straight from the hip but only where it is necessary; and sometimes I put my kid gloves on first.

Twin Peaks

Now that I am coming out the other side of my wilderness experience, there just seems to be more and more people coming into my world with bits and pieces of insight that I need to complete the lessons on my plate.

One of these new people is half my age; but he is wise beyond his years. Today something he said helped me to realize that those mountaintop experiences that we love so much actually consist of twin peaks.

One of the peaks is formed by our openness to the lessons we need to learn. The second peak is built by us having the courage to put that knowledge into action once we have it. This path is not always an easy one to walk; it is often wrought with pain and confusion. But if we are willing to continue walking in the right direction; often with just enough light for the next step, we are rewarded with the manifestation in our lives, of what for the moment are just possibilities - and far away ones at that.

Teen Friendly Home

My great-niece and I are having to deal with a very painful truth at the moment. I am not the right person to walk her gently through her teens. I kept hoping to grow into that person before we got to this point, but sometimes your limitations are just too much a part of who you are - and eventually you have to accept the truth of those limitations and do what is best for everyone.

I have always enjoyed being around young people, but if I am responsible for them, I need to know they will at least try to work within the rules that are in place for their protection.

It was a joy to walk my son and my oldest granddaughter through their teens. My daughter and my younger granddaughter were too much like I was as a teen - going to find a way to do exactly what we wanted to do no matter what rules are in place. My great-niece has that same kind of temperament - very strong-willed. She will have to do her learning through the school of hard knocks, same as I did. And I know that the only way I can be there with love and compassion for her is if I am NOT the one who is trying to enforce the rules.

So, we found her a teen friendly home with a couple girls that are just enough older than her that they will make good mentors for her. She has been wanting a pet; and now she will be part owner of ten of them - 1 dog, 2 cats, 2 birds, and 5 goldfish.

The "den mother" has walked many children through their teens, and most of them keep in touch with her. We will make the transition slowly from now until January when the actual move will take place. And we will continue to remain very much involved in each other's life, but at an arm's length - where I am not having to govern her behavior.

We did not know one another before we started living together three years ago; but we taught each other so much in that time - bestowed so many gifts on each other. She has become very important to me in that time - and me, to her. We both wish it could be different, but we both know it is the right thing to do. One minute she is excited about the upcoming changes, and the next minute she wishes it didn't have to be this way. Most of us are very familiar with those kinds of ambivalent feelings. Me - I am just looking forward to the opportunity to enjoy her without having to be "the grownup in charge".

Sacred Spaces

For many years now, I have been creating empty spaces in my life for God to fill. Once a year, I would go through everything I owned and part with things that I no longer wanted - with the intention of creating empty spaces for God to fill with things that were a better fit for me.

I didn't take it too kindly, though, when God initiated some empty spaces in my life on His own. First, my father died with cancer. A few short years later, my husband also died with cancer. At the same time my husband died, my son transferred a hundred miles away for his work. I had nothing left to give after my husband died, so felt forced into giving up my work with seniors - work I dearly loved. A year later, my oldest granddaughter moved away to go to university. My younger grandaughter moved to the island to live with her boyfriend. My daughter eventually moved as far North as she could get, after receiving a job offer that was too good to turn down. Then my beautiful white Samoyan husky got paralyzed and had to be put to sleep. I lost everything that I had built my life around - there was nothing left. Then I was in a car accident and needed to fight to regain my mobility. I know if my eight-year-old niece had not come into my life a short time before the accident, needing a place to live, I would not have fought to stay in this world. I would have gladly "given up the ghost".

I reacted strongly to each loss that came - to each treasured thing God "weeded" from my life. "What do you mean?" I cried. I'm not done with that. I Love THAT. I WANT that. But, of course, He didn't listen and another Treasured part of my life was taken from me.

I was lost in my broken heart for a long time. But slowly, I have come to accept the changes, even see the wisdom in some of them. And even now I know that I am unable to see the Big Picture; so I just live my life one day at a time and watch to see how God will bring new life to those spaces He created in my old life.

I Wait in Silence; and I Watch as His Grace gently unfolds new beginnings - such as this blog. I know it is something I would never have done on my own. I went to bed one night not even aware of the possibility; and got up the next morning with the full knowlege that I was going to start this blog and even what I was going to call it - with not one conscious thought on my part.

I have surrendered my will - Finally. I fought it tooth and nail - but finally I surrendered. And once I was willing to receive the new blessings God had in Wait for me, my life started to take on Value again.

It Feels good to be able to "Trust the Process" once again. Life is different for me now. It is not built around any expectations on my part. I am just grateful to be valuing life once more, as I look forward to what each new day brings me.

Empty Vessel

Like a bull moose
he acted out his frustration
everybody shying away
from his pain
until a kindly old lady
poured them each
a glass of grape juice
and said, "A toast -
first to your bravery;
and then to your grief."
Validated
he loosed his vice-like grip
and became virginal
an empty vessel
willing to receive
the healing
that was his all along.

Truth, Honesty, and Compassion

We are called, one day at a time, to meet this world and the people in it with truth, honesty, and compassion. I find with the people I love most, I will have to attempt this on a "one moment at a time" basis - slowly, carefully.....

I am too used to holding myself back for fear of hurting their feelings, upsetting them in some way, or of making them angry at me. It is even more important to be forthright in those relationships that matter most to us. Who knows what loving gifts you are withholding from them by not sharing your honest responses.

And, if we hold back from telling somebody when they are stepping on our toes, or how our needs are not being met the way things are going, are we also holding back in our expressions of love which would let them know how much they really mean to us.

I have loved four men in my life - my father, two husbands, and a son. I was only able to "really" express that love to my second husband. I was not able to be honest with any of them about how my needs were not being met.

If I look a little deeper, I will see that I have withheld these things from myself as well. In other words, I have cheated myself and everybody around me of the very things that matter most in this world.

It takes a great deal of courage to be honest with ourselves - and even more courage to carry that honesty into our relationships with others - but with the time I have left, I am going to try to be brave enough to do that.

Who knows what beautiful gifts we might "birth" in our Selves, our lives and in the lives of others by this one courageous act.

Personality Test

My friend and fellow blogger howlsatmoon.blogspot.com posted a link on his site for anyone wanting to take a personality test. I had great fun with it today and can confirm from my findings that it is right on. I haven't learned how to do links yet, but here is the address if you want to give it a try: http://www.mypersonality.info/ I turned out to be INFJ and like I say - it fit me to a "tee". And after finding out who you are:

Permission To Shine

Let the light of your being,
the consciousness of knowing your real Self,
radiate and illuminate
the human beings
you find before you,
as well as the community of voices
you find within.

Neil Douglas Klotz
Blessings of the Cosmos: Wisdom of the
Heart From the Aramic Words of Jesus

Ancestral Garden

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who could not hear the music. - Nietzsche


Tulips on tiptoe
dancing with daisies
as a rambling rose
sings her song.

Magic in the moonlight
hope whispering softly
a song of sorrow
becomes a lighter tune.

Wind and water waltzing
hearts remembering
love building bridges
that look like rainbows
creating safe spaces
for children yet to be born.

Once Around The Dance Floor

My mother and father started going to the legion dances on Saturday nights after they got all us kids to the point where they didn't need babysitters for us. I joined them once or twice but it was not really my cup of tea.

My father would sometimes ask me to dance to songs that didn't move me. "That song doesn't move me," I would say. He couldn't understand my need to be moved by the music before I could move in rhythm to it. "The music does not need to move YOU," he would say, "YOU just need to move your feet." "Sorry, Dad, I can't do it. " He would walk away, exasperated with me, not understanding.

Then when I did agree to dance with him, it was nothing like when I was a kid. I kept trying to lead. (Not surprising if you know me.) Again he would get exasperated with me. "You keep trying to lead," he would say. "You are supposed to follow me." "Sorry, Dad, I'm trying." We would both walk away exasperated when the dance ended. He would go find a partner more willing to follow; I would go to gladly sit out the remaining dances - giving my all to enjoying the music.

Only once did I come across a dancer who swept me off my feet. I literally felt like my feet never touched the floor. It was at a high school dance. I didn't know the boy but I found out afterwards that nobody liked dancing with him because he preferred to do the ballroom style of dancing. When I imagine myself dancing, it is that dance I go back to in my mind.

The dance I remember as being the most fun was the Mexican Hat Dance. It was on the same night as the ballroom dancing experience, and I was the same shy teenager (agonizingly so) - but I loved the music - I loved getting to interact with all the different people without being awkward and out of step - and I just Loved the fun of it.

The most mischievous I have been on the dance floor was when I was "hanging around" with the man who would become my second husband. He prided himself on being self-contained at all times. We were at a house party and everybody was waltzing. I noticed that his boot socks(being loose at the toes) were right where if I positioned my feet just so, he would dance right out of his socks. Well, you know, I Had to do it.

This same self-contained man liked to hold me too close after we were married and waltzing in public. I would, of course, pull back- it wouldn't be proper. Why did I never think to invite him to waltz with me at home until now that it is too late. We interacted with each other in a lot of wonderful ways, but I let that wonderful opportunity slip right through my fingers. DARN!

Tennessee Waltz

A couple weeks ago I went to Harvey to speak about my dreamwork. In appreciation, the church group gave me a pin with a fiddle on it - Harvey being the birthplace of Don Messer (a well-known fiddler). That pin brought back some warm memories for me.

Don Messer used to be on T.V. every Saturday night - and quite often he would play the Tennessee Waltz. I was probably about ten or eleven at the time - and whenever Don Messer played the Tennessee Waltz, my father would take me in his arms and dance with me.

Of course, this led to me making sure I watched Don Messer every Saturday night, hoping and praying he would play the Tennessee Waltz.

I haven't warmed myself with this memory for many years. It's interesting what you remember once you get the pain out of the way.

Choices Of The Heart

My first husband had been dead for a year and a half. It was the first significant loss in my life and I was devastated. We were living in Toronto at the time of his death so I buried myself in my work and my studies and the needs of two young teens.

It was Christmas and my teens and I flew home to the small town in New Brunswick where I grew up. We were looking forward to spending Christmas with my family.

My brothers and sisters had pooled their resources and bought a desk for my father. The day before Christmas, my sister's husband and his brother, Keith, delivered the desk. I said "hello" to them and turned back to what I was doing while the men sat at the kitchen table, talking.

I was not paying any attention to what they were talking about; I was concentrating on what I was doing. As Keith spoke, it was like I felt a hand reach right through me, into my stomach, pulling me in his direction. (Do we have heart-strings in our stomach? It appears from this that is where mine are.)

I opened myself to what was happening with a great deal of curiosity; I had never experienced feelings like this before. As the gentleness of his voice washed over me, I could feel all the tension leave my body.

Then I started listening to the words he was speaking. His words were like words that, up until now, I had only heard in my head. He was speaking of things that, up until now, had held value only to me.

Later that week, a group of us went sliding with the kids. Walking back, he stopped to play in the snow with his nephew. I had never seen a man play before. I thought how nice it would be to have a man like that in my life.

That's probably as far as it would have gone - I had full intention of going back to Toronto and burying myself in work, studies, and my teenagers. But we had a major blizzard and everybody was snowed in for twenty-four hours. It gave me plenty of time to think about what I was going back to and what I was leaving behind - Life in a big city alone with two teens or life in a small town, surrounded by family, where I could watch a man play (from a safe distance, of course), and let myself explore feelings that were completely new to me.

The second choice won out, hands down! Boy, did I ever make the right decision!

An Echo From The Past

Together on a toboggan
a full moon lighting up the sky
the stars twinkle in amusement
as this quiet, self-contained man
calls out her name -
flying down a hill of snow -
his arms wrapped around her waist.

An awesome experience....

But even more so
when years after he is gone
from her world,
the Echo reaches her
and stokes the cooling embers
of his Love.

An Echo
that lifts her
from a waiting casket
transporting her
over the rainbow
to a resplendent field of daisies.
She fills her pockets
and then gets on
with the task of Living.

Integration

Spiritual birth, like biological birth,
requires a union of opposites,
from which the sacred child is born.

Jill Mellick


Sadly
taking his broken heart
out of his crippled hands;
he put his clown face on
and turned to face the world.

Bravely
she pulled herself
up off the floor,
let go of the past
and did the same.

In unison
they did the dance
of the seven veils,
honoring the gods
that had given them life.

A hush
fell across the dance floor;
as two hearts long ago broken
danced their way to Wholeness.

Wagon Wheels

I do not know if I can find the right words to express what is on my heart this morning, but here goes. I will start out with a quote from Henri Nouwen:

"I have always been fascinated by these wagon wheels with their wide rims, strong wooden spokes, and big hubs. These wheels help me to understand the importance of a life lived from the center. When I move along the rim, I can reach one spoke after the other, but when I stay at the hub I am in touch with all the spokes at once."

I have found this to be true over and over in my life - whenever I make it back to my center - past all the barriers and the roadblocks I have unknowingly installed in myself. These same blockages that were erected to protect me from pain eventually created even more pain by their very presence.

When the pain in my life became too great, I started doing the necessary work involved in tearing these barriers down. It takes a lot of courage on one's part but a pain-filled life is a strong motivator. The work is not done quickly - it is done one painful step at a time, baby steps sometimes. But you find your courage and motivation increasing as you see the pain diminish and be replaced with ever-increasing small miracles.

My second husband and I both came from pain-filled pasts - me from a large dysfunctional family where emotional needs were never met and physical needs - just barely. My parents were good people, though, just doing the best they could do with too many to do for. I longed for children of my own, so I married a rage-filled man and started a family.

Keith was a confirmed bachelor trying to care for aging alcoholic parents. Before we met, I wallowed in my pain while he did everything he could do to avoid his.

I had been on my first inner journey for awhile when our paths crossed. I was very much in touch with my center and my inner world was "Coming Alive" while witnessing with disbelief one small miracle after another.

Our courtship consisted mostly of sitting beside each other on the couch - him with his arm resting on my shoulder - me with my head resting on his shoulder - listening to a Nana Maskouri tape I had brought - over and over - just soaking up the Comfort of each other's Presence - building a Friendship that would eventually see us safely through a marriage and his death.

The bonds of intimacy grew even stronger between us as he "lived" his dying with the same dignity with which he lived his life. I believe that it was because we learned to connect from our very "centers" that we were even able to maintain that connection and be there for one another (to a certain extent) after his death - giving each other the strength for our individual journeys.

I had to fight hard to stay in this world after he died - it did not have much appeal for me. Probably the only reason I fought so hard to stay is that I didn't trust my children and grandchildren to find their right paths without my eternal interference. Then God put a great-niece in my life at just the time I felt myself not being needed anymore, and was ready once again to "let go".

Now I feel ready, for the first time in my life, to just enjoy "being alive" - savoring the moment- and looking forward to what comes next - even if it is only "more of the same".

The Crone

In her book "Coming Home To Myself" Jill Mellick describes the Crone as personifying the wise older woman who has lived long, suffered loss and pain, survived to tell the truth to herself (and others if they are ready to hear). She laughs with kindness at herself, learns to let go of her expectations, and forgives herself and others for their shortcomings.

I like to think that I have graduated to this phase of my journey. It is an interesting place to
be - to be living life one day at a time with no expectations - just facing what comes up in me as a response to what the universe puts in my path. It has its benefits - this way of Being. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had learned how to do this at an earlier age.

More than anything, I am loving this new, gentle acceptance of myself that seems to be a part of who I am now. It feels good and makes all of life so much easier.

Toxic Waste

One of my readers expressed admiration for me because of the sensitive material I am willing to share. I thanked her for the kind words but have to admit it is not courage that allows me to do this. It is like the joke I told a couple days ago about Shadow work. Nobody starts this work willingly. We are driven there by a need for less pain in our lives tomorrow than there was yesterday and today.

I have been a very private person for most of my life. I kept my thoughts and my feelings to myself. I have always felt things deeply. I have never been able to understand the insensitive things that some people do. And I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I am older now. I reaped what I sowed; I watched people I love reap what they sowed. If sharing what I learned along the way helps anyone on their journey, that pleases me. We are all in this together. But the real reason I share through my writing is much more selfish - my Recovery demands that I unload all of what I have spent a lifetime hanging onto.

Our bodies, like any other container, can only hold so much. They have been designed to dump their waste every day and be refilled with the nourishment they need for survival. This applies on all levels - not only physically - but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Moments of Today Are Tomorrow's Memories

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss quote

It has taken me six agonizing years to finally get to the point where I am able to do that. And believe it or not, if it was not for my dead husband's help, I never would have survived the ordeal.

My relationship with my first husband was a very physical one - it was also a very painful one. That relationship ended with his death.

My second husband and I had a very strong energy connection. We learned to make love with our minds long before we ever learned how to make love with our bodies. That energy connection continued after his death, and helped me get through the devastating grief I felt not having him in my life.

His gentle presence always had a calming effect on me - not to say I didn't get angry at him sometimes or disappointed in him - but I was always in touch with my feelings of love for him - no matter what else I was feeling. The lines of communication were always open between us even when we had issues with one another.

I think because we were friends before we were lovers - we were able to fall back on that friendship to carry us through the times we had to work through problems in the relationship.

One of his greatest gifts was being able to live in the moment - being able to enjoy the people he was with - no matter what he would rather be doing.

Me - I sometimes have a hard time pulling me out of myself to enjoy those around me; sometimes it's a real effort. Not when he was around, though. I just gave myself over to the experience and savored those moments.

And I thank God I did - for those Moments of Yesterday are my Treasured Memories of Today.

Shadow Work

Somebody told me a joke the other night - A man accidentally dropped fifty cents down the hole of an outhouse. He then took twenty dollars out of his wallet and threw it in with the fifty cents. Then he dove in and retrieved both of them. When asked why he did it, he replied: "You don't think I'd jump in there for fifty cents, do you?"

It is like that with shadow work. The Real treasures in life are only ours if we do the sh-tty work required, but none of us reach out for that work willingly. It takes painful life experiences to push us in. It takes knowing that our tomorrows will not be any better than our yesterdays unless we do some work on ourselves. Even then, there are many days that we would really rather just bask in the sunshine like everyone else.

But then, we retrieve a Treasure that has been lost for a long time and, recognizing it for what it is, our Hope is renewed and our commitment to our Quest is strengthened.

Destiny

A defeated woman
renewed from her mountaintop experience
throws off her blanket of daisies.
She walks into the rainbow
with her eyes wide open
wearing her heart on her sleeve.
She doesn't know what she will find
on this path
that is her destiny
but she feels ready
to embrace it
with all that she is -
no longer hiding out
in the swamp of forgetfulness.

Rediscover The Power That Is Uniquely Yours

The terrible forces
in nature and in ourselves
that get in the way
of how we would like things to be.

EMOTIONS!

Energy in Motion.
Taking on a Life
of their own.

Respect it.
Honor it -
or die to your Self
and not even know why.

Powerful in its ability
to Destroy
all that we have built
while we helplessly
try to understand.

You can not Tame
what you have Denied
even Exists.

The Key To Wholeness

Each of us gives away our power
in ways we don't understand;
afraid of its potential ......

She
sickening sweet
butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
Unreal
a ghost in the night
not fighting for what is rightfully hers
foolishly giving away her birthright
for a bowl of porridge.

He
fiercely fighting the strongest foe
but running in fear
from the need that pushes through his armor
hungering
for the giving and receiving
of gentle expressions of love.
He does not recognize his impotence
for the blessing it is - his Savior.
If he ever surrenders to it
he will find
it holds the very Key
he has been looking for -
the Key to Wholeness.

Trolls In The Garden

Gotta be wary of the Trolls...............

They don't always come dressed like Trolls.

Some come dressed like a sister who is a trusted confidante
but jealously resents even the hint of anything good in your life.

Some come dressed like a brother who sincerely cares
but demands, in return, that you do everything his way.

Some come like grown children with lives of their own,
whose expectations keep you on the shelf - alone.

Some come in the form of "christian" friends
who are quick to judge even innocent behavior.

Some come in the form of "pretend" friends
who are only there for what they can get from you.

Most dangerous of all is that Troll that hides in your own self
waiting to trip you up, and punish you severely in ways that
even you are sometimes slow to recognize.

Be wary of those Trolls........

Elder Wisdom

Yesterday a friend gave me a card with a beautiful poem on it that I intend to frame, and keep in a spot where I will see it every day and be reminded that this is how I wish to live the rest of my life. The poem was written by Nadine Stair (age 85):

If I Had My Life To Live Over

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax. I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.......

I've had my moments and if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments.
One after another....

If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter next time.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Christmas Wood

She woke up one morning
to find a wolf at her door.
Curious she was
about how he found his way to her;
and she - her way to him.
Curious she was
about the little treasure box
he held in his hands
almost invisible at first
in the mystical fog
that hung heavy over the land.
But she could feel her heart soften
like baby's breath
blowing a soft wind
lighting warm embers
melting frozen ice
that crystallized
into a rainbow of snowflakes.
Willingly
she took all the pictures
from her past
and gently reframed them
in white birch bark frames
known by some as "Christmas Wood".

Subtle Body Communication

I was young when my first husband died. Nobody in my world had died before.

Many people came to the funeral parlor - not knowing what to say - they offered whatever words of comfort they could come up with, which only served to increase my pain. Then a man I didn't know came in - probably someone my husband knew from work or AA. He didn't say a word to me - just put his right hand on my right shoulder and left it there for a moment - then he moved on.

I can not tell you the DEEP comfort I got from this gesture - and not just for that moment. Whenever I felt overwhelmed with grief over the next months, I relived the feeling of having that Comforting hand on my shoulder, and it brought me peace and strength.

Well, today I had that feeling again. I was reading a friend's post(howlsatmoon.blogspot.com)
and he ended his post by saying, "I've got your back covered". I got that comforting feeling in the middle of my back - like a FRIEND had it covered - someone I knew could be counted on to honor the words they spoke. It gave me the courage I needed to move on and do the things I have to do now.

Words or gestures that reach you at that "Subtle Body" level stay with you, and you are able to call them back up again whenever you need them, because they have been incorporated into your Being.

I have already started walking some new paths - it gets a little scary sometimes because this requires that I even set aside outdated ways of thinking - old familiar ways. It requires that I trust the process - step out of my comfort zone. It also requires that I use a new set of tools in place of the crutch (food) I have used to get me this far.

I now realize a need for moving slowly in this new direction - a need for being gentle with myself - two things I'm not used to giving myself permission to do. Taking too big a step at one time has repercussions that interfere with the process. Baby steps sometimes get you farther - quicker.

I am realizing something else. We have to find the courage to start off in new directions on our own, but it is never a road that we walk alone. Along the way, we find other people walking the same road, taking the same journey. Shared insights create new memories and people you would never have chanced to meet become treasured friends.

This Too Shall Pass

"This too shall pass"
promises a calm after the storm -
promises a rainbow after the devastation -
promises sunshine after the tears.

Taken together these promises
hold out the hope of a new life
in the future - one that is built,
I presume, on the new insights
we have acquired
from weathering the storm
that is presently tearing us apart.

That new perspective on life
seems far away some days -
today is one of those days.

Reincarnation

A soulful cry
from the past
cuts through the night
calling
a spirit back to Life.

Finally
she's able
to stop cursing the darkness;
taking a warm memory
she lights a candle instead.

A Return To Community

I realize now that I am at the stage where the remainder of the healing that needs to happen for my quest to be successful can only take place in community. This means I will have to give up my self-imposed isolation.

I didn't call it isolation though when I started it last winter. I had pushed myself hard to regain my mobility for a year and a half after a car accident. I needed "time out" so, when winter came last year, I gave myself permission to hibernate. It was a very positive experience as I gave myself over totally to honoring my quest to get in touch with me, get to know me, be true to me.

Up until then, I was always too busy being tuned in to what other people needed from me. I had a set of standards that I adhered to whether the people in my world operated from those same standards or not. I often thought it over and chose to 'ACT' not 'REACT'. I could lower my standards of what I thought was right and fail to do something for them in reaction to their neglectful treatment of me or I could ignore their lack and act from my own code which seemed to be written on my heart.

It just was always harder to fight what was on my heart, and I never felt good about it afterwards if I did. I have now found a softer place for me to be - one that does not require so
much from me. I no longer take on so much of the responsibility for seeing that things get done. I set aside the thoughts that ask more of myself than I can lovingly give. I still see the needs around me but sometimes I have to accept the fact that I am powerless to do anything about them. Those are the ones that I turn over to God in prayer, trusting that He will do His part.

Lessons Of The Heart

A year after my niece came to live with me, she told me that I have a strong voice. I knew she was referring to that forceful tone of voice that I sometimes use with her - the one I've used on myself my whole life. It doesn't get me anywhere with either one of us. And it leaves me feeling bad about myself.

How much better is the voice that is strong in its gentleness, in its love. How much more effective it is in changing those behaviors we are trying to change in one's self or in another.
How much better I feel about myself when I am able to use it.

As I observe myself without judgment, I notice that it is the wounds from my own childhood that get in my way sometimes of reacting from a heart of love. Now I just forgive myself and move on. It's over sooner than when I stop to beat myself up.

And children are so forgiving - another lesson we would do well to learn from them.