Mystical Moments

My favorite part of Christmas are those unexpected, magical moments that border on the mystical.

Watch for them.

They are there for each and every one of us to savor if we remain open to them.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Grief Resolved

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

SURRENDER

It's happened again.

I have fallen into that lifelong pattern of "a human doing" rather than "a human being".

I realized this some months back but, for some reason, felt compelled to follow that road to the very end.

Why? What did I hope to gain? I have no idea.

All I know is that I had to keep pushing myself until there was absolutely no push left in me.

And now that I have completely exhausted myself, I feel that I can give myself permission to claim the space I need to just "BE".

I surrender. Thank God, I surrender.

A Walk In The Dark

Did you ever notice that sometimes life is like a walk in the dark?

During those times, you just act on what speaks to you inside, uncertain where each action is leading you.

I much prefer those times when I have the illusion that I know where I am going - and how to get there.

A Peaceful Existence

Soul needs body as much as body needs soul. - Marion Woodman

I am finally making peace with my body. I finally feel at home in my body. Interesting that it needed to become so used up before I was able to feel at home in it.

This summer I went a lot of places that it was physically challenging for me to go. I pushed my body to its limits - finding ways to work around its limitations each step of the way.

In doing so, we formed a friendship that will serve us well in the next leg of the journey - "old age".

I do not miss youth. It had its own challenges. I enjoy being in the presence of youth; but its always a blessing to bring my tired old body home to the space we have built together.

Licence To Drive

This past winter a new fear entered my mind. And once it entered, it would not go away.

What if the car broke down while I was travelling alone? My mobility would make walking for help an issue. Now, mind you, I don't travel far from home but even a short walking distance would be difficult for me.

So I finally gave myself permission to get a cell phone. I will just keep it for emergency use while in the car. Funny how hard it is to put out money for the intangibles - the items we need for insurance purposes.

Now I can drive alone and get even more of my confidence back. It reminds me of when my children started going to school; and I was able to (or had to is more like it) cross those big city streets alone. It amazes me how we get so used to these little securities that it is hard to let go of them. "Little hands" or even "the presence of another" can become something we think we can not do without. But we have to dare to stand alone. We have to dare to walk alone - anywhere we go in life.

Here I am starting out on my own once again.

The Music Of Life

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be.
The last of life, for which
the first was made.

Robert Browning

I gotta own up to it. I love that good old-time country music. The kind we used to hear a long time ago.

Every Saturday night from 6 to 9, I get to tap my toes as I drift down memory lane.

Did you ever notice when you hear those songs from many years ago, you can pinpoint the phase of life you were at when you first heard it? You also remember the people who were the most important to you at that time in your life.

Truthfully, parts of us we long ago thought dead respond to music we love. I remember one time going to hear this lady sing who has made music her ministry. She goes to the hospital playing and singing people's favorite songs for them (often requested by the family member present). She shared memories of people having a tear rolling down their cheek in response to the songs. This gave the family great comfort because they visited and talked to this family member without knowing if they were even being heard.

Music seems to reach a deeper part of ourselves. I grew up in the Catholic church, but moved on to the Anglican church to raise my children, and now on to the United church in my older years. But to this day, if I hear a bit of Catholic music being played, I feel my spirit respond for all it's worth.

It's A New Day

Many of us have damaged our bodies in one way or another by the time we reach my age.

All we can do about it is love ourselves where we are at; and do the best we can with what we have left.

A World Of Difference

"It makes me feel weak," the young man said. "I don't like that feeling."

"Are you sure it is weakness that you are in touch with," I responded, "or just vulnerability."

He thought for a moment and decided I was right.

In God I trust

There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves.

L.M. Montgomery

Personal update in the life of this budding rose.

When I let go of the reins and let God control my life, amazing things happen. Things like minor miracles, love experiences, etc. All it takes on my part is accepting each moment as it happens.

Wednesday my young (adult) granddaughter treated herself to some peppermint tea and (diabetic-safe) cocoanut cookies when we made our grocery run. Middle of the afternoon she shows up in my kitchen with an invitation to join her in this safe indulgence. It was absolutely delightful - this unexpected social call.

Wednesday evening, we had another immense dumping of snow on us overnight followed by freezing rain. I called the man who plows my driveway to let him know that I had an early morning appointment for my second laser treatment (which proved to be even more painful than the first one; but worth it because I am noticing slight improvement in my vision already.)

Thursday morning, the woman I engaged to chauffeur me on the hundred mile trip to my appointment kindly shovelled a path in the knee-deep snow for me to get from the door to her shiny, black (new) car. She proved to be a delightful person with whom I had a lot in common; and we enjoyed stimulating conversation all the way there and back home again.

Slight mishap on the way into the city due to very slippery road conditions. A transport truck was sideways on the road just ahead of us on the downhill ramp. The car behind him got stopped. The pickup truck in front of us just barely got stopped. My driver slowly put on her brakes - but no luck - we just slid into the back of the pickup truck. No damage at all to the pickup truck; but the hood of my driver's car was crumpled like a candy bar wrapper.

I still had to get the rest of the way to the hospital for my laser treatment; and her car was no longer driveable. After we waited for the police to arrive and write up the accident report, the driver of the pickup truck kindly offered to take me the rest of the way.

It was no easy matter to get my short (not very mobile) legs up into the highest pickup truck I had ever seen - but we managed. It must have been quite a sight for the onlookers; but I didn't concern myself with that as I struggled to get myself up a level or two in order to complete my journey.

I think I will end my post at this point as I let the deep symbolism of those words sink into my being - AS I STRUGGLED TO GET MYSELF UP A LEVEL OR TWO IN ORDER TO COMPLETE MY JOURNEY.

On The Lighter Side

Over and over again, I have been watching a video on YouTube. I swear that I enjoy it more each time I watch it. It is Pixar - Hippo & Dog - The Lion Sleeps Tonight. I wasted a whole day trying to figure out how to download it so I could show it to you - couldn't figure it out. I also couldn't understand the copyright laws. The numbers and letters were too small for me to see so I was not able to set up a link. Therefore, if you are curious enough to want to see it , you will have to take the long way around and look it up on YouTube.

I enjoy it as much as I do, I think, because it portrays the duality of me. Those two parts I know so well. Mary with her natural unrestrained buoyancy - and Martha with that usual look of disdain on her face that her counterpart brings out in her.

I LOVE IT! I have had to work on accepting both these parts of myself. This video helps me not only to accept them but to cherish them - delight in them - both of them - Mary and Martha.

Confirmation

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

Prayer For The Day

The light of God surrounds me,
The love of God enfolds me,
The power of God protects me,
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is; and all is well.

Hospital Healing On All Levels

I went in the hospital three days before Christmas. I was too sick to care; and actually it was the best place for me to be because none of my family was able to be home this year.

I was amazed at how many people took time out of their busy schedules to visit me not only on Christmas Eve Day; but also on Christmas Day itself - the kindest, most generous gifts of all. My heartfelt thanks to all of you!

The Christmas carollers came in every night - including Christmas Eve. The hospital even cooked us a Christmas dinner. Mind you, it didn't taste like it would at home but they put forth the effort - and that's what counts.

My minister taped the Christmas Eve service; and loaned me his tape player so I could listen to it. He also lent me five tapes of his favorite speaker - his mentor. That's how I spent Christmas Day listening to those tapes. And the tape of the Christmas Eve service was so beautiful that I listened to it five nights in a row before going to sleep. I think one of my favorite parts was at the end of the tape, after the service was over, with all the voices I recognized wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

The rest of my time during my hospital stay was spent reading the book my granddaughter bought for me this Christmas. She lets me choose a book that I want every Christmas; and I love it. This year I chose Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I had read somebody else's copy of this book back in the fall and wanted a copy of my own so I could read it over and over. Even though I only got halfway through it; it really helped me to put things into perspective. Recognizing when the ego has taken control once again - and getting in touch with the awareness behind the ego is a lifetime job.

I used this opportunity to work on myself at other levels, as well. My biggest complaint has been that they have places for alcoholics to go for rehabilitation. They have places for drug addicts to go for rehabilitaion. But they don't have any place for food addicts to go for rehabilitation. I very quickly made up my mind to use this as the opportunity that I have been longing for. The second day I was there, I asked them to put me on a calorie-restricted diet so I could get started doing what I was wanting to do for a long time - lose some weight and regain some of my lost mobility. They obliged by putting me on a 1500 calorie diet and I lost my first 16 pounds.

They say it takes three weeks to form a new habit. Having been there just three days short of three weeks - and having the chance to see how they would put the meals together has put me at a real advantage. It has not been a problem at all keeping it up at home.

I even learned that the diabetic counselling staff is putting on a six week program called "Changing Your Relationship With Food". I did not waste a minute signing up for it.

This is the year, folks. Nothing can hold me back now. Expect to see this rose in full bloom in the year of 2009.

Courage

Sometimes courage is nothing more than daring to go on living - alone - after having been part of a couple.

It's daring to go back out into the world, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, as you walk into an unknown future - taking all of your Self with you.

Life Is Not Over Until It's Over

The old man picked up his paintbrush that had laid there gathering dust for many years now. He found a piece of canvas that was still useable even though discolored with age.

With fingers crippled from arthritis, he painstakingly applied the paint to the empty canvas in front of him. Many hours later he stepped back to see what picture wanted to be painted so strongly that it pulled him out of his usual idle malaise.

The scene was of six sailboats being pushed across the lake by a breeze that was both playful and purposeful at the same time. White clouds gathered in the sky, contrasting sharply with the deep green of the horizon.

Where had this scene come from......A place so deep inside himself that he didn't even know it existed?

As he stood looking at the picture in wonderment, he heard a divine voice in his head asking, "Whom shall we send?"

With every fibre of his being, he cried out, "I will go! Send Me!"

Memories Are For Keeps

The present is for making new ones.......

But it is also colored by memories from my past.

These memories from my past, that live on in my heart, make me who I am today. A little more able to be and to do...........A little less able to be and to do..........

Life is a process.....birth and death......every happening has a little of each in it.

You can't force either one. Like a flower blossoming in its own time and season.....

We have to patiently live out the Moment.....dying to.....being born to.....

On The Road Again

Do not dwell in the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the
present moment.

- Buddha

This is how I am living my life these days................

And I am having trouble keeping up with myself.

It is exciting. It is exhilarating. Not for one minute is it boring.

I do not stop to think, "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?" Only, "Is this what I want to be doing this moment?"

If the answer is yes, then I go for it.

I have no idea where any of it will lead me - and it doesn't matter. If I am doing what I want to be doing in the moment, then I can rest assured life will take me where I am meant to go.