A New Beginning

Lasting change does not come from the outside in.

It comes from the inside out.

A Human Be-ing

"Just know that in this moment you are enough."

- Dr. Jennifer Howard

Being Authentic

An authentic life requires that we summon the courage to face the pain in our lives.

This should be done with as much compassion for ourselves as possible.

The Harvest

For a long time now I have been noticing that the past is connecting to the present - not only in my life - but also in the lives of those around me.

First it started with opportunities to let go of grudges, forgive myself and others, right any wrongs, resolve any unhealed relationships.

This weekend was a time of visiting familiar places where there were blessings in store for me. Again, each in their own way, others around me were experiencing the same kind of thing in their lives.

From unknown source:

"As a ship,

When unloosed from its dock,

Can start its new run

With compass guidance,

So I,

When unloosed from the past,

Can start my new run

With God's guidance."

Sail on!

Conscious Evolution

I am taking an online course with Barbara Marx Hubbard on "Conscious Evolution" - "evolving by choice, not chance"

We are in week 5 of this very exciting course now. I was completely overwhelmed for the first two weeks with all the scientific terminology that was new to me.

Then I began to realize that while the terminology was new to me - the concepts were not.

"Co-creators" led me back to my bookshelf and Gary Zukav's "Seat of the Soul" which I re-read with newly opened eyes.

"Making the shift from ego to essence", of course, led me back to Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth".

I can hardly wait to finish Shakti Gawain's "Living in the Light" so I can move on to "Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr.

I can't believe how much I missed in the initial reading of these books when they impacted my life so deeply the first time I read them.

She's a Keeper

Taken from "Living Gently in a Violent World" by Stanley Hauerwas and Jean Vanier:

"I know a man who lives in Paris. His wife has Alzheimer's. He was an important businessman - his life filled with busyness. But he said that when his wife fell sick, 'I just couldn't put her in an institution, so I keep her. I feed her. I bathe her.'

I went to Paris to visit them, and this businessman who had been very busy all his life said, 'I have changed. I have become more human.'

I got a letter from him recently. He said that in the middle of the night his wife woke him up.

She came out of the fog for a moment, and she said, 'Darling, I just want to say thank you for all you're doing for me.' Then she fell back into the fog. He said, 'I wept and I wept.' "

Physician-Assisted Suicide

I took part in an online survey yesterday "Should physician-assisted suicide be legalized?"

I could not believe the figures so far - 79% were in favor of it.

I honestly feel that this move is so far in the wrong direction.

For one thing, so many people would feel guilted into taking this route rather than burden their loved ones when they are no longer able to care for themselves. And if they didn't already feel this way, I know many people who would only too gladly help them come to this conclusion.

And another thing that some people don't realize is that the end time of a person's life presents many opportunities for very intimate moments of reconciliation. Healing both for the persons as individuals - and their relationship. Healings for brokenness that they often are not even aware of on a conscious level at the time.

With modern technology, we have the means to keep people as comfortable as possible throuhout their transition.

We just need to learn to be "present" to people who are making this very sacred journey.

Mystical Moments

My favorite part of Christmas are those unexpected, magical moments that border on the mystical.

Watch for them.

They are there for each and every one of us to savor if we remain open to them.

I'm My Own Grandma

It is interesting that these two young people are coming home at the same time.

Candace, my granddaughter. The wannabe princess. Who is so much more already than she longs to be. But she values these qualities very little. The very things I love most about her.

And Tom, my nephew by marriage. The rebel warrior who refuses to fit into mainstream society in any way. Lives a bit like a gypsy except for remaining in the same place. He will arrive a few days from now.

Before going to sleep last night, I said a prayer for any ancestors that needed prayers. This is not something I have done before. Someone else recently made me aware of reasons for doing this.

Strangely enough, it was a young part of myself that I dreamt of. She came knocking at the door of the house I grew up in.

The second dream I had was of Tom arriving early - knocking at the door of the house I live in now. I opened the door to the darkness - then began feeling vulnerable as I became more aware of the darkness I was facing.

The words of wisdom that came my way this morning - "You stand in your own light. Make it shine."

Recluse

This is my home - my refuge - my sanctuary.

Here I am as safe as one can be from the world at large.

Or, like Rapunzel, am I a prisoner of my own making.

It does not matter.

For now, it is where my heart desires to be.

Maybe I am just digesting all that has transpired the last two years while I have been so actively involved in the outside world.

But here I am - snug as a bug in a rug. With no desire to be anyplace else. Surrounded by my books and papers. Words that tease my senses - safely.

Journeying to inner worlds. Exploring new dimensions. Excited by the possibilities.

I have done this before - several times. And have always unearthed buried treasures. Tools that make my life different than before.

Echoes of a Dark Nature

The question to ask myself is not "Can I forgive my friend for behaving this way towards me?"

but rather:

"Am I able to forgive myself for having as part of my makeup that offensive quality she echoed for me?"

A New Way Of Doing Things

Part of this new way of living requires that I keep my house in order as much as possible.

Which also means keeping my mind in order.

I have noticed for a long time now that the condition of my living quarters reflects the state of my mind. If my thinking is messed up, it doesn't take long to show itself in my surroundings.

Therefore, I make a personal commitment to dot all my i's and cross all my t's as soon as I write them from here on in.

Stockpile nothing!

My number one priority now is to make every move count for something.

From here on in, I will only invest my energy in the things that matter most to me.

One day at a time. One step at a time. And only if it fits for me at this moment in my life.

What do I want to do today with the leg power and the energy I have available to me.

From here on in, I wish to be more realistic about the resources I have available to me which will make me more efficient in the outside world.

No small matter since I have always found the outside world a little too overwhelming for my comfort.

Gourmet Living

My mobility has worsened. I am finding it much harder to get around these days.

For this reason, I have to begin living my life gourmet style.

Quality not quantity.

Both in food choices and life choices.

Perhaps this is not a bad thing. I will be forced to eliminate the superfluous; and be left only with what really matters to me.

Withdrawal

Some people would accuse me of isolating myself.

To me, it feels more like choosing personal space and solitude.

Oh, what a relief it is.

Spiritual Tools

When my first husband died, he had been in AA for just over one year.

I inherited his little black book "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" which continues to give me what I have never been able to acquire by going to church - a spiritual program that helps me to keep in good relationship with my self, with others, and with God.

Sometimes my life gets too busy; and I make the big mistake of drifting away from the daily reading of this book. It's no coincidence that my spiritual life suffers immensely when this happens.

The last couple of months have been horrific for me as my ever- increasing fears, doubts, and resentments caused me to lose touch with the spiritual tools I had access to.

So, to remind myself and to share with others who may be interested, I am including the twelve steps of A.A. which I have adapted slightly for my personal use.

1. I admit that I am powerless over other people ; and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I turn my will and my life over to God as I understand Him.

4. I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I admit to God, to myself, and to another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

9. I make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Restoring Balance

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!