Denial

I have programmed myself to think of denial as an unhealthy thing to give in to. I have gotten really angry at myself in the past for ignoring the obvious truths about certain situations. I have gotten angry at other people for refusing to see reality.

I'm having to review my beliefs on this subject. Maybe a certain amount of denial is a healthy thing - to carry us through until we are psychologically ready to handle the truth - until we have the resources we need to deal with the truth - until we have support systems in place to help us deal with it.

I'm remembering some of the seniors that I worked with over the years - one who continued doing way too much for others for a woman her age. When they finally made her face the truth, she sat down and grew old almost overnight.

A man who was sure he was going to beat the cancer that was ravaging his body - until he was shown a doctor's report that said there was no hope of beating it. So he just gave up and waited to die.

And then there was Mrs. McK. That woman lived with more denial than any person I had ever come across. They sent her home from the hospital on a three day pass not expecting her to make it through the weekend. She ended up living another three years. She was at death's doorstep more times than you could count; but she just denied it to herself every time, and kept right on living.

I wonder how you can tell when it is a healthy denial or an unhealthy one - when you are living with too much denial or not enough - or when it's time to stop living in denial once you've started living there?

How do you tell when the situation is one that would be best handled with denial? Obviously, it can't be a conscious decision or it wouldn't work.(?)

Now I'm thinking back to my friendship with my second husband, which I never believed would go beyond that - and how many times I got annoyed with myself for being willing to settle for that instead of getting on with my life. But then I would realize that if I left without having someplace else I wanted to be, or something else I wanted to be doing; then I would just be running away.

So I just stayed and enjoyed the moment...and another...and another...and another........Next thing I knew, we were married.

Shooting Straight From The Hip

The thing I love most about blogging is that it gives me one place in the world where I can speak my truth freely without having to respect someone else's sensibilities.

I grew up on cowboy movies, with John Wayne as my hero. To me, he was a man with a thinking heart(like one of my faithful commenters) who always shot straight from the hip.

I grew up in a family where no truths were spoken - in fact very little was spoken - probably out of fear that one of the many "secrets" might slip out. Actually both my parents were very quiet people who rarely communicated in front of us; and I believe both of them got buried in the overwhelming needs of a large family.

My mother found me very difficult, even in my young adulthood, because I had a strong need to express the truth as I saw it. My mother's driving need was to see the world through rose-colored glasses - even in her old age, she has not taken them off.

A while after my first husband died, my teenage daughter was acting out her grief. Finally, in desperation, I took her to a counselor and my daughter shared her truth: "It's not that Mom isn't right in what she is saying. She usually is. But it's like getting hit over the head with a sledge hammer."

It took me years of carefully observing myself to see and understand what she was talking about. Being very intuitive, I "pick up" a lot in my interactions with people; but if they make a subtle effort to communicate something to me, it goes right over my head. Verbal communications need to be very direct in order for me receive them; therefore I tend to express myself in a very direct fashion.

I understand other people's discomfort a little bit more since my niece came to live with me. She has a very literal mind and is also strongly intuitive. She notices things that even most adults are oblivious to and feels a strong need to speak her truth - whatever comes in her head comes out her mouth - annoying her peers and angering the grownups. She is forever "walking where angels fear to tread" - pointing out things that we "more civilized" adults have learned to "tune out" or "turn a blind eye to" or "keep to ourselves".

Both of us walk a fine line between the naked truth and brutal honesty. It is the way we look at the world - we are not capable of doing that part of it any other way. But where I have been able to make changes in my real world is in how much of my truth I share with the other people in it. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my life who can not live with the large amount of truth I just naturally take in, and have had to learn how to deal with.

Out of love and consideration for them, I still shoot straight from the hip but only where it is necessary; and sometimes I put my kid gloves on first.

Twin Peaks

Now that I am coming out the other side of my wilderness experience, there just seems to be more and more people coming into my world with bits and pieces of insight that I need to complete the lessons on my plate.

One of these new people is half my age; but he is wise beyond his years. Today something he said helped me to realize that those mountaintop experiences that we love so much actually consist of twin peaks.

One of the peaks is formed by our openness to the lessons we need to learn. The second peak is built by us having the courage to put that knowledge into action once we have it. This path is not always an easy one to walk; it is often wrought with pain and confusion. But if we are willing to continue walking in the right direction; often with just enough light for the next step, we are rewarded with the manifestation in our lives, of what for the moment are just possibilities - and far away ones at that.

Teen Friendly Home

My great-niece and I are having to deal with a very painful truth at the moment. I am not the right person to walk her gently through her teens. I kept hoping to grow into that person before we got to this point, but sometimes your limitations are just too much a part of who you are - and eventually you have to accept the truth of those limitations and do what is best for everyone.

I have always enjoyed being around young people, but if I am responsible for them, I need to know they will at least try to work within the rules that are in place for their protection.

It was a joy to walk my son and my oldest granddaughter through their teens. My daughter and my younger granddaughter were too much like I was as a teen - going to find a way to do exactly what we wanted to do no matter what rules are in place. My great-niece has that same kind of temperament - very strong-willed. She will have to do her learning through the school of hard knocks, same as I did. And I know that the only way I can be there with love and compassion for her is if I am NOT the one who is trying to enforce the rules.

So, we found her a teen friendly home with a couple girls that are just enough older than her that they will make good mentors for her. She has been wanting a pet; and now she will be part owner of ten of them - 1 dog, 2 cats, 2 birds, and 5 goldfish.

The "den mother" has walked many children through their teens, and most of them keep in touch with her. We will make the transition slowly from now until January when the actual move will take place. And we will continue to remain very much involved in each other's life, but at an arm's length - where I am not having to govern her behavior.

We did not know one another before we started living together three years ago; but we taught each other so much in that time - bestowed so many gifts on each other. She has become very important to me in that time - and me, to her. We both wish it could be different, but we both know it is the right thing to do. One minute she is excited about the upcoming changes, and the next minute she wishes it didn't have to be this way. Most of us are very familiar with those kinds of ambivalent feelings. Me - I am just looking forward to the opportunity to enjoy her without having to be "the grownup in charge".

Sacred Spaces

For many years now, I have been creating empty spaces in my life for God to fill. Once a year, I would go through everything I owned and part with things that I no longer wanted - with the intention of creating empty spaces for God to fill with things that were a better fit for me.

I didn't take it too kindly, though, when God initiated some empty spaces in my life on His own. First, my father died with cancer. A few short years later, my husband also died with cancer. At the same time my husband died, my son transferred a hundred miles away for his work. I had nothing left to give after my husband died, so felt forced into giving up my work with seniors - work I dearly loved. A year later, my oldest granddaughter moved away to go to university. My younger grandaughter moved to the island to live with her boyfriend. My daughter eventually moved as far North as she could get, after receiving a job offer that was too good to turn down. Then my beautiful white Samoyan husky got paralyzed and had to be put to sleep. I lost everything that I had built my life around - there was nothing left. Then I was in a car accident and needed to fight to regain my mobility. I know if my eight-year-old niece had not come into my life a short time before the accident, needing a place to live, I would not have fought to stay in this world. I would have gladly "given up the ghost".

I reacted strongly to each loss that came - to each treasured thing God "weeded" from my life. "What do you mean?" I cried. I'm not done with that. I Love THAT. I WANT that. But, of course, He didn't listen and another Treasured part of my life was taken from me.

I was lost in my broken heart for a long time. But slowly, I have come to accept the changes, even see the wisdom in some of them. And even now I know that I am unable to see the Big Picture; so I just live my life one day at a time and watch to see how God will bring new life to those spaces He created in my old life.

I Wait in Silence; and I Watch as His Grace gently unfolds new beginnings - such as this blog. I know it is something I would never have done on my own. I went to bed one night not even aware of the possibility; and got up the next morning with the full knowlege that I was going to start this blog and even what I was going to call it - with not one conscious thought on my part.

I have surrendered my will - Finally. I fought it tooth and nail - but finally I surrendered. And once I was willing to receive the new blessings God had in Wait for me, my life started to take on Value again.

It Feels good to be able to "Trust the Process" once again. Life is different for me now. It is not built around any expectations on my part. I am just grateful to be valuing life once more, as I look forward to what each new day brings me.

Empty Vessel

Like a bull moose
he acted out his frustration
everybody shying away
from his pain
until a kindly old lady
poured them each
a glass of grape juice
and said, "A toast -
first to your bravery;
and then to your grief."
Validated
he loosed his vice-like grip
and became virginal
an empty vessel
willing to receive
the healing
that was his all along.

Truth, Honesty, and Compassion

We are called, one day at a time, to meet this world and the people in it with truth, honesty, and compassion. I find with the people I love most, I will have to attempt this on a "one moment at a time" basis - slowly, carefully.....

I am too used to holding myself back for fear of hurting their feelings, upsetting them in some way, or of making them angry at me. It is even more important to be forthright in those relationships that matter most to us. Who knows what loving gifts you are withholding from them by not sharing your honest responses.

And, if we hold back from telling somebody when they are stepping on our toes, or how our needs are not being met the way things are going, are we also holding back in our expressions of love which would let them know how much they really mean to us.

I have loved four men in my life - my father, two husbands, and a son. I was only able to "really" express that love to my second husband. I was not able to be honest with any of them about how my needs were not being met.

If I look a little deeper, I will see that I have withheld these things from myself as well. In other words, I have cheated myself and everybody around me of the very things that matter most in this world.

It takes a great deal of courage to be honest with ourselves - and even more courage to carry that honesty into our relationships with others - but with the time I have left, I am going to try to be brave enough to do that.

Who knows what beautiful gifts we might "birth" in our Selves, our lives and in the lives of others by this one courageous act.