I'm My Own Grandma

It is interesting that these two young people are coming home at the same time.

Candace, my granddaughter. The wannabe princess. Who is so much more already than she longs to be. But she values these qualities very little. The very things I love most about her.

And Tom, my nephew by marriage. The rebel warrior who refuses to fit into mainstream society in any way. Lives a bit like a gypsy except for remaining in the same place. He will arrive a few days from now.

Before going to sleep last night, I said a prayer for any ancestors that needed prayers. This is not something I have done before. Someone else recently made me aware of reasons for doing this.

Strangely enough, it was a young part of myself that I dreamt of. She came knocking at the door of the house I grew up in.

The second dream I had was of Tom arriving early - knocking at the door of the house I live in now. I opened the door to the darkness - then began feeling vulnerable as I became more aware of the darkness I was facing.

The words of wisdom that came my way this morning - "You stand in your own light. Make it shine."

Recluse

This is my home - my refuge - my sanctuary.

Here I am as safe as one can be from the world at large.

Or, like Rapunzel, am I a prisoner of my own making.

It does not matter.

For now, it is where my heart desires to be.

Maybe I am just digesting all that has transpired the last two years while I have been so actively involved in the outside world.

But here I am - snug as a bug in a rug. With no desire to be anyplace else. Surrounded by my books and papers. Words that tease my senses - safely.

Journeying to inner worlds. Exploring new dimensions. Excited by the possibilities.

I have done this before - several times. And have always unearthed buried treasures. Tools that make my life different than before.

Echoes of a Dark Nature

The question to ask myself is not "Can I forgive my friend for behaving this way towards me?"

but rather:

"Am I able to forgive myself for having as part of my makeup that offensive quality she echoed for me?"

A New Way Of Doing Things

Part of this new way of living requires that I keep my house in order as much as possible.

Which also means keeping my mind in order.

I have noticed for a long time now that the condition of my living quarters reflects the state of my mind. If my thinking is messed up, it doesn't take long to show itself in my surroundings.

Therefore, I make a personal commitment to dot all my i's and cross all my t's as soon as I write them from here on in.

Stockpile nothing!

My number one priority now is to make every move count for something.

From here on in, I will only invest my energy in the things that matter most to me.

One day at a time. One step at a time. And only if it fits for me at this moment in my life.

What do I want to do today with the leg power and the energy I have available to me.

From here on in, I wish to be more realistic about the resources I have available to me which will make me more efficient in the outside world.

No small matter since I have always found the outside world a little too overwhelming for my comfort.

Gourmet Living

My mobility has worsened. I am finding it much harder to get around these days.

For this reason, I have to begin living my life gourmet style.

Quality not quantity.

Both in food choices and life choices.

Perhaps this is not a bad thing. I will be forced to eliminate the superfluous; and be left only with what really matters to me.

Withdrawal

Some people would accuse me of isolating myself.

To me, it feels more like choosing personal space and solitude.

Oh, what a relief it is.

Spiritual Tools

When my first husband died, he had been in AA for just over one year.

I inherited his little black book "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" which continues to give me what I have never been able to acquire by going to church - a spiritual program that helps me to keep in good relationship with my self, with others, and with God.

Sometimes my life gets too busy; and I make the big mistake of drifting away from the daily reading of this book. It's no coincidence that my spiritual life suffers immensely when this happens.

The last couple of months have been horrific for me as my ever- increasing fears, doubts, and resentments caused me to lose touch with the spiritual tools I had access to.

So, to remind myself and to share with others who may be interested, I am including the twelve steps of A.A. which I have adapted slightly for my personal use.

1. I admit that I am powerless over other people ; and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I turn my will and my life over to God as I understand Him.

4. I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I admit to God, to myself, and to another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

9. I make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to practice these principles in all my affairs.