Echoes of a Dark Nature

The question to ask myself is not "Can I forgive my friend for behaving this way towards me?"

but rather:

"Am I able to forgive myself for having as part of my makeup that offensive quality she echoed for me?"

Restoring Balance

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Retreat

All I can do, at any time, is respond to what speaks the loudest from my inner space.

Right now it is a need for solitude............for stillness..........for space.

Forgiveness

There are five things that you cannot recover in life:

The Stone ....after it's thrown.

The Word....after it's said.

The Occasion....after it's missed.

The Time....after it's gone.

A Person....after they die.

(Author unknown)


All you can do once you have matured enough to acknowledge mistakes you made is forgive yourself and move on.

As you get older (and hopefully wiser) there seems to be a lot of acknowledging and forgiving to do.

My inner journey took me back to where I was at personally when I started going with my first husband; and the negative feelings that fueled our relationship.

In hindsight, I realize he expressed my anger; and I fed his guilt.

Now I regret how I disrespected him; and I regret how I disrespected myself.

I vow it will not happen again now that I am more fully aware.

I will never again treat a person with disrespect. I don't have to like them. I don't have to agree with them.

But I can treat them with respect - even in my thoughts.

Freedom

While going through some papers today, I came across a quote I had saved from Craig Phillip's blog www.secondchancetolive.wordpress.com

"I no longer need to be perfect, just willing to keep my side of the street clean."

After a lifetime of trying to be perfect and failing miserably......

After a lifetime of being disappointed because nobody else seemed any better at it than me.....

After a lifetime of imposing unrealistic expectations on myself and everybody I cared about.....

I can finally take joy in being true to Craig's statement.

This has been the most freeing achievement of my life.

A Peaceful Existence

Soul needs body as much as body needs soul. - Marion Woodman

I am finally making peace with my body. I finally feel at home in my body. Interesting that it needed to become so used up before I was able to feel at home in it.

This summer I went a lot of places that it was physically challenging for me to go. I pushed my body to its limits - finding ways to work around its limitations each step of the way.

In doing so, we formed a friendship that will serve us well in the next leg of the journey - "old age".

I do not miss youth. It had its own challenges. I enjoy being in the presence of youth; but its always a blessing to bring my tired old body home to the space we have built together.

At Home With Myself

I was with a group of people on Sunday afternoon. We spent a couple minutes checking where each person was at. I was surprised to find, when I checked in with myself, that I was feeling very much at home with myself.

"Oh, so this is what being at home with yourself feels like", I thought to myself. "I like it". The feeling was so new to me, I almost let it slip by without noticing it. A feeling so foreign to me; and yet so familiar. I remember this..........just a vague recollection.

I know I will not be able to retain that feeling every minute of every day; but I'm going to "lean into" making it my norm. That way, I'll be able to come back home to that feeling more and more often.

Licence To Drive

This past winter a new fear entered my mind. And once it entered, it would not go away.

What if the car broke down while I was travelling alone? My mobility would make walking for help an issue. Now, mind you, I don't travel far from home but even a short walking distance would be difficult for me.

So I finally gave myself permission to get a cell phone. I will just keep it for emergency use while in the car. Funny how hard it is to put out money for the intangibles - the items we need for insurance purposes.

Now I can drive alone and get even more of my confidence back. It reminds me of when my children started going to school; and I was able to (or had to is more like it) cross those big city streets alone. It amazes me how we get so used to these little securities that it is hard to let go of them. "Little hands" or even "the presence of another" can become something we think we can not do without. But we have to dare to stand alone. We have to dare to walk alone - anywhere we go in life.

Here I am starting out on my own once again.

Out Of Sight

My sister expressed some concern because I haven't posted anything for awhile. My apologies to the few who do follow my footsteps on this site.

I have been busy playing in another corner - and since it was something new to me, it was taking up most of my day and ALL of my mental capacity.

I always have to get comfortable with new things in my life before I share the details - it just seems to be my nature.

As some of you know, I have been getting direction and guidance from my dreams for about 28 years. The last couple years, I have been taking part in a small Dream Circle hosted by my brother 2-3 times a week www.rightdreaming.com I have learned a lot from him during that time which increased my understanding of my own dreams.

Well, a couple weeks ago, I stumbled across this site www.experienceproject.com and have been interpretting some of the dreams posted there. If anyone is interested in checking out my activity there, I am using my same name - buddingrose4u.

Life is going well - I have survived another winter and am looking forward to Spring. I have a lot of new things going on in my life - along with a lot of new people. Once I have a better handle on where this is all leading, I will share it with you.

I'm not one to talk unless there is a burning desire to express something, so bear with me. I'm "taking in" and "laying low" more than I am "putting out" these days.(heh)

It's A New Day

Many of us have damaged our bodies in one way or another by the time we reach my age.

All we can do about it is love ourselves where we are at; and do the best we can with what we have left.

A World Of Difference

"It makes me feel weak," the young man said. "I don't like that feeling."

"Are you sure it is weakness that you are in touch with," I responded, "or just vulnerability."

He thought for a moment and decided I was right.

Confirmation

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

Back To My Self

Hello long lost Self. It's great to see you again.

I changed my blogging photo. It means that I am back in touch with myself and ready to Stand Alone - on my own two feet - and face the world.

It is interesting about the symbolism of all that wood behind me. Wood keeps showing up in my dreams as the thoughts and feelings that need to be processed for transformation to take place. As you can see - there was a ton of it. But it IS behind me.

And now back to the reality of the day this photo was taken: It was a day very early on in the friendship with my second husband. He was going to spend the day in the woods with his brother, father, and mother. I was delighted to receive an invitation to join them if I wanted.

We had a wonderful day. Keith brought along some moose meat and some vegetables; and we cooked a stew over an open fire.

After spending most of my grown-up life living and working in Toronto; this was a whole new world for me. And one I loved!

Love

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Courage

Sometimes courage is nothing more than daring to go on living - alone - after having been part of a couple.

It's daring to go back out into the world, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, as you walk into an unknown future - taking all of your Self with you.

Memories Are For Keeps

The present is for making new ones.......

But it is also colored by memories from my past.

These memories from my past, that live on in my heart, make me who I am today. A little more able to be and to do...........A little less able to be and to do..........

Life is a process.....birth and death......every happening has a little of each in it.

You can't force either one. Like a flower blossoming in its own time and season.....

We have to patiently live out the Moment.....dying to.....being born to.....

Attitude - Who Me?

A word of explanation to my faithful readers as to why I haven't been blogging much lately.

When I dropped the role of grieving widow this spring and rejoined the human race, I found that I was having to "feel my way" with every step I took.

Maybe part of me was waiting for the "bottom to drop out".

I think I dare to express some of what I am experiencing now that I have "my feet under me".

Yesterday a friend shared some information with me which made me realize that I really can trust the Universe (Higher Power, God). I haven't done much of that since the love of my life succumbed to cancer nearly seven years ago.

Today I was forced to acknowledge once again that "acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me - Without an attitude."

Living Simply

I have saved this for years - always aspiring to live up to it - often falling far short to parts of it. It was written by William Ellery Channing:

MY SYMPHONY

To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard, think quietly,
talk gently, act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds, to babes
and sages, with open heart;
To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely,
await occasion, hurry never;
In a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious, grow up
through the common ....
this is to be my symphony.

Blossoming

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

A friend shared those words with me yesterday from her Daily Reading book. I find them beautiful; and they say exactly where I am in my journey through life.

I do not know why I spent 59 years in hiding. All I know is that I can't stay there one second longer. As challenging as I find some of those moments to be without all the props I spent my life hiding behind, it is just no longer an option.