I'm My Own Grandma

It is interesting that these two young people are coming home at the same time.

Candace, my granddaughter. The wannabe princess. Who is so much more already than she longs to be. But she values these qualities very little. The very things I love most about her.

And Tom, my nephew by marriage. The rebel warrior who refuses to fit into mainstream society in any way. Lives a bit like a gypsy except for remaining in the same place. He will arrive a few days from now.

Before going to sleep last night, I said a prayer for any ancestors that needed prayers. This is not something I have done before. Someone else recently made me aware of reasons for doing this.

Strangely enough, it was a young part of myself that I dreamt of. She came knocking at the door of the house I grew up in.

The second dream I had was of Tom arriving early - knocking at the door of the house I live in now. I opened the door to the darkness - then began feeling vulnerable as I became more aware of the darkness I was facing.

The words of wisdom that came my way this morning - "You stand in your own light. Make it shine."

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Lovingkindness

The teacher asked the pupils to tell the meaning of lovingkindness.

A little boy jumped up and said, "Well, if I was hungry and someone gave me a piece of bread, that would be kindness.

But if they put a little jelly on it, that would be lovingkindness.

( from God's Little Devotional Book For Women)

Life Lessons

Got one of those emails from a friend today that you are supposed to pass on to several other people. I hate emailing them to other people; but every now and again, they are worth receiving.

This is the reminder that came to me from today's email:

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need - to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

I realize how much I have grown over the years - not only from interactions with the people who loved me enough to realize and respect my sensitivities - but even more from processing the interactions with all the others - those who loved me but could never bring themselves to show it - those who never saw anything in me worth loving - and the countless others who came and went in my lifetime that fit somewhere in between those three categories.

I give thanks to all of you - whether you were in my life for just a moment or for a long time. I am who I am today because of each and every one of you. I have no regrets; I could not have done it without you.

Some lessons take a lifetime to learn.

It Only Hurts If You Let It

To the extent that we want
something from someone,

To that exact degree
we will be in pain,

For it is desire
that brings pain

And it is love
that brings joy.

- Joan Walsh Anglund

Happy Birthday, Brother

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. - From "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens

Yesterday would have been my brother's next birthday. I lit a candle for him and said a prayer for him, his wife and his daughter.

All those firsts are difficult; as most of us know.

I was just a little over one year old when he was born - a little mother even then. Or did I become a little mother because it was almost required of me? Who knows?

I found myself reflecting on the family dynamics that were in place at the time - understanding a little bit more - with no animosity towards anybody - just acceptance and understanding.

I reflected on my relationship with my brother; we were very close. I recalled many things about him that warmed my heart.

Happy Birthday, Brother! I will continue to treasure the things I loved about you as I complete my journey.

Hospital Healing On All Levels

I went in the hospital three days before Christmas. I was too sick to care; and actually it was the best place for me to be because none of my family was able to be home this year.

I was amazed at how many people took time out of their busy schedules to visit me not only on Christmas Eve Day; but also on Christmas Day itself - the kindest, most generous gifts of all. My heartfelt thanks to all of you!

The Christmas carollers came in every night - including Christmas Eve. The hospital even cooked us a Christmas dinner. Mind you, it didn't taste like it would at home but they put forth the effort - and that's what counts.

My minister taped the Christmas Eve service; and loaned me his tape player so I could listen to it. He also lent me five tapes of his favorite speaker - his mentor. That's how I spent Christmas Day listening to those tapes. And the tape of the Christmas Eve service was so beautiful that I listened to it five nights in a row before going to sleep. I think one of my favorite parts was at the end of the tape, after the service was over, with all the voices I recognized wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

The rest of my time during my hospital stay was spent reading the book my granddaughter bought for me this Christmas. She lets me choose a book that I want every Christmas; and I love it. This year I chose Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I had read somebody else's copy of this book back in the fall and wanted a copy of my own so I could read it over and over. Even though I only got halfway through it; it really helped me to put things into perspective. Recognizing when the ego has taken control once again - and getting in touch with the awareness behind the ego is a lifetime job.

I used this opportunity to work on myself at other levels, as well. My biggest complaint has been that they have places for alcoholics to go for rehabilitation. They have places for drug addicts to go for rehabilitaion. But they don't have any place for food addicts to go for rehabilitation. I very quickly made up my mind to use this as the opportunity that I have been longing for. The second day I was there, I asked them to put me on a calorie-restricted diet so I could get started doing what I was wanting to do for a long time - lose some weight and regain some of my lost mobility. They obliged by putting me on a 1500 calorie diet and I lost my first 16 pounds.

They say it takes three weeks to form a new habit. Having been there just three days short of three weeks - and having the chance to see how they would put the meals together has put me at a real advantage. It has not been a problem at all keeping it up at home.

I even learned that the diabetic counselling staff is putting on a six week program called "Changing Your Relationship With Food". I did not waste a minute signing up for it.

This is the year, folks. Nothing can hold me back now. Expect to see this rose in full bloom in the year of 2009.

Love

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Living Life Abundantly

Today was a beautiful day for me.

I found myself facing the world with a heart that was open and receptive. It has been a long time since I felt capable of doing that to the degree that I did today. And I enjoyed myself immensely.

We are called to keep that inner spark alive as we step out in faith - trusting that we will be given the inner resources to handle whatever life puts in our path.

It felt good to finally be able to do that once again.

The Gift Of Love

My son and his wife have gone away for a week and I am babysitting their cat.

Now my son LOVES this cat; and this cat, who was once the runt of the litter, has responded to this love by growing huge. Now where I really ENJOY this cat, I don't love him the way my son does; and, of course, the cat feels the difference.

Thursday was day 5 and I could tell that the cat was really lonesome for his people and for his known way of life. He doesn't mind coming here for two or three days - rather enjoys the change for that long - but he has had enough - probably beginning to feel Abandoned.

All day Friday the cat, normally a very loving animal, kept biting my hand every chance he got. Although I could not allow him to get away with this behavior, I could EMPATHIZE with him.

I have been doing the same thing for the last six years, since my second husband died. I LOVED that man unconditionally. He was just so easy to love. He was gentleness personified - the first gentleness I had ever experienced in my life.

He had this way of encouraging me to be all I could be without ever using words - words were never his strong point - I always thought things through and chose my words carefully if I had to talk to him about something serious.

But the greatest gift of all that he had was the ability to enjoy himself fully, in the moment, no matter where he was or who he was with. It did not matter if he would rather be someplace else. It did not matter if he would rather be doing something else, or with somebody else. He just put all of himself into enjoying what he was doing and the people he was with; wherever he was.

And I LOVED that about him.

Joseph Campbell said that when we open to loving a person, whether that person is a spouse, a friend, or a child, we open our hearts to loving God. And when we let somebody love us, we're opening our hearts to God's love.

We are changed by love - whether we are doing the loving or allowing ourselves to be loved. I don't know - but it seems to take a lot of courage to allow yourself to be loved - I wonder if it makes us feel too vulnerable(?)