Recluse

This is my home - my refuge - my sanctuary.

Here I am as safe as one can be from the world at large.

Or, like Rapunzel, am I a prisoner of my own making.

It does not matter.

For now, it is where my heart desires to be.

Maybe I am just digesting all that has transpired the last two years while I have been so actively involved in the outside world.

But here I am - snug as a bug in a rug. With no desire to be anyplace else. Surrounded by my books and papers. Words that tease my senses - safely.

Journeying to inner worlds. Exploring new dimensions. Excited by the possibilities.

I have done this before - several times. And have always unearthed buried treasures. Tools that make my life different than before.

Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Restoring Balance

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Grief Resolved

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

Retreat

All I can do, at any time, is respond to what speaks the loudest from my inner space.

Right now it is a need for solitude............for stillness..........for space.

Freedom

While going through some papers today, I came across a quote I had saved from Craig Phillip's blog www.secondchancetolive.wordpress.com

"I no longer need to be perfect, just willing to keep my side of the street clean."

After a lifetime of trying to be perfect and failing miserably......

After a lifetime of being disappointed because nobody else seemed any better at it than me.....

After a lifetime of imposing unrealistic expectations on myself and everybody I cared about.....

I can finally take joy in being true to Craig's statement.

This has been the most freeing achievement of my life.

A Peaceful Existence

Soul needs body as much as body needs soul. - Marion Woodman

I am finally making peace with my body. I finally feel at home in my body. Interesting that it needed to become so used up before I was able to feel at home in it.

This summer I went a lot of places that it was physically challenging for me to go. I pushed my body to its limits - finding ways to work around its limitations each step of the way.

In doing so, we formed a friendship that will serve us well in the next leg of the journey - "old age".

I do not miss youth. It had its own challenges. I enjoy being in the presence of youth; but its always a blessing to bring my tired old body home to the space we have built together.

At Home With Myself

I was with a group of people on Sunday afternoon. We spent a couple minutes checking where each person was at. I was surprised to find, when I checked in with myself, that I was feeling very much at home with myself.

"Oh, so this is what being at home with yourself feels like", I thought to myself. "I like it". The feeling was so new to me, I almost let it slip by without noticing it. A feeling so foreign to me; and yet so familiar. I remember this..........just a vague recollection.

I know I will not be able to retain that feeling every minute of every day; but I'm going to "lean into" making it my norm. That way, I'll be able to come back home to that feeling more and more often.

The Music Of Life

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be.
The last of life, for which
the first was made.

Robert Browning

I gotta own up to it. I love that good old-time country music. The kind we used to hear a long time ago.

Every Saturday night from 6 to 9, I get to tap my toes as I drift down memory lane.

Did you ever notice when you hear those songs from many years ago, you can pinpoint the phase of life you were at when you first heard it? You also remember the people who were the most important to you at that time in your life.

Truthfully, parts of us we long ago thought dead respond to music we love. I remember one time going to hear this lady sing who has made music her ministry. She goes to the hospital playing and singing people's favorite songs for them (often requested by the family member present). She shared memories of people having a tear rolling down their cheek in response to the songs. This gave the family great comfort because they visited and talked to this family member without knowing if they were even being heard.

Music seems to reach a deeper part of ourselves. I grew up in the Catholic church, but moved on to the Anglican church to raise my children, and now on to the United church in my older years. But to this day, if I hear a bit of Catholic music being played, I feel my spirit respond for all it's worth.

It's A New Day

Many of us have damaged our bodies in one way or another by the time we reach my age.

All we can do about it is love ourselves where we are at; and do the best we can with what we have left.

Confirmation

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

One Day At A Time

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Be as gentle and respectful with yourself as you are with others.

Embrace your past and dance
into your future.

Life is for living.

Prayer For The Day

The light of God surrounds me,
The love of God enfolds me,
The power of God protects me,
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is; and all is well.

Back To My Self

Hello long lost Self. It's great to see you again.

I changed my blogging photo. It means that I am back in touch with myself and ready to Stand Alone - on my own two feet - and face the world.

It is interesting about the symbolism of all that wood behind me. Wood keeps showing up in my dreams as the thoughts and feelings that need to be processed for transformation to take place. As you can see - there was a ton of it. But it IS behind me.

And now back to the reality of the day this photo was taken: It was a day very early on in the friendship with my second husband. He was going to spend the day in the woods with his brother, father, and mother. I was delighted to receive an invitation to join them if I wanted.

We had a wonderful day. Keith brought along some moose meat and some vegetables; and we cooked a stew over an open fire.

After spending most of my grown-up life living and working in Toronto; this was a whole new world for me. And one I loved!

Obscured Vision

Did you ever notice that what is going on in your emotional life - if not resolved - eventually shows up in your physical life.

Keep in mind that the left side of the body represents the past; and the right side of the body represents the future.

About a year after my first husband died, I tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell with all my weight going on my right knee. After that, the knee would give out on me occasionally; thereby hampering my ability to move into the future. It also caused me to rely overheavily on my left leg causing extra wear and tear on that knee.

Four years after my second husband died, I was still struggling with a part of myself that wanted to go to him - to be With him. I had a flat tire on the highway and ended up going over a forty foot embankment. I suffered a deep wound in my left leg which quickly became infected from the pieces of metal and glass that were in the wound. It took a long time to heal and left a deep scar on my leg - very symbolic of what my past had done to me internally. The accident also finished off my knees - thereby hampering my movement into the future even more.

Upon returning home from my brother's funeral in early November, I awoke to a right eye that I could barely see out of - symbolic of my increasing limited vision for the future. To prevent blindness, I have to receive laser treatments - symbolic of the extra light I need to take in to give me hope for the future.

My son and his bride of one year are delayed in their move to Ontario; and they don't get away until shortly before Christmas. My granddaughter goes out to Alberta to spend Christmas with her sister and mother. My sister goes out to her son's for Christmas. For the first time in my life, I have to spend Christmas completely alone. It is too soon after my brother's death for me to cope well with this.

I am saved from having to spend Christmas alone by having congestive heart failure; going into the hospital three days before Christmas and coming home nine days after the new year begins.

This makes three times since my second husband's death that I almost died - first a stroke - then an accident - and now this.

"Enough is enough.," I say to myself. "It's time to sh-t or get off the pot. Either die and get it over with; or pull up your socks and get on with living.

I choose the latter!

Love

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Courage

Sometimes courage is nothing more than daring to go on living - alone - after having been part of a couple.

It's daring to go back out into the world, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, as you walk into an unknown future - taking all of your Self with you.

Memories Are For Keeps

The present is for making new ones.......

But it is also colored by memories from my past.

These memories from my past, that live on in my heart, make me who I am today. A little more able to be and to do...........A little less able to be and to do..........

Life is a process.....birth and death......every happening has a little of each in it.

You can't force either one. Like a flower blossoming in its own time and season.....

We have to patiently live out the Moment.....dying to.....being born to.....