Physician-Assisted Suicide

I took part in an online survey yesterday "Should physician-assisted suicide be legalized?"

I could not believe the figures so far - 79% were in favor of it.

I honestly feel that this move is so far in the wrong direction.

For one thing, so many people would feel guilted into taking this route rather than burden their loved ones when they are no longer able to care for themselves. And if they didn't already feel this way, I know many people who would only too gladly help them come to this conclusion.

And another thing that some people don't realize is that the end time of a person's life presents many opportunities for very intimate moments of reconciliation. Healing both for the persons as individuals - and their relationship. Healings for brokenness that they often are not even aware of on a conscious level at the time.

With modern technology, we have the means to keep people as comfortable as possible throuhout their transition.

We just need to learn to be "present" to people who are making this very sacred journey.

Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Happy Birthday, Brother

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. - From "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens

Yesterday would have been my brother's next birthday. I lit a candle for him and said a prayer for him, his wife and his daughter.

All those firsts are difficult; as most of us know.

I was just a little over one year old when he was born - a little mother even then. Or did I become a little mother because it was almost required of me? Who knows?

I found myself reflecting on the family dynamics that were in place at the time - understanding a little bit more - with no animosity towards anybody - just acceptance and understanding.

I reflected on my relationship with my brother; we were very close. I recalled many things about him that warmed my heart.

Happy Birthday, Brother! I will continue to treasure the things I loved about you as I complete my journey.

Obscured Vision

Did you ever notice that what is going on in your emotional life - if not resolved - eventually shows up in your physical life.

Keep in mind that the left side of the body represents the past; and the right side of the body represents the future.

About a year after my first husband died, I tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell with all my weight going on my right knee. After that, the knee would give out on me occasionally; thereby hampering my ability to move into the future. It also caused me to rely overheavily on my left leg causing extra wear and tear on that knee.

Four years after my second husband died, I was still struggling with a part of myself that wanted to go to him - to be With him. I had a flat tire on the highway and ended up going over a forty foot embankment. I suffered a deep wound in my left leg which quickly became infected from the pieces of metal and glass that were in the wound. It took a long time to heal and left a deep scar on my leg - very symbolic of what my past had done to me internally. The accident also finished off my knees - thereby hampering my movement into the future even more.

Upon returning home from my brother's funeral in early November, I awoke to a right eye that I could barely see out of - symbolic of my increasing limited vision for the future. To prevent blindness, I have to receive laser treatments - symbolic of the extra light I need to take in to give me hope for the future.

My son and his bride of one year are delayed in their move to Ontario; and they don't get away until shortly before Christmas. My granddaughter goes out to Alberta to spend Christmas with her sister and mother. My sister goes out to her son's for Christmas. For the first time in my life, I have to spend Christmas completely alone. It is too soon after my brother's death for me to cope well with this.

I am saved from having to spend Christmas alone by having congestive heart failure; going into the hospital three days before Christmas and coming home nine days after the new year begins.

This makes three times since my second husband's death that I almost died - first a stroke - then an accident - and now this.

"Enough is enough.," I say to myself. "It's time to sh-t or get off the pot. Either die and get it over with; or pull up your socks and get on with living.

I choose the latter!

Betrayal

I don't think it is my brother's death that caused me so much grief; as the way he died.

By the time you are sixty, you have accepted death as a part of life - even though it is never easy for anyone involved.

My brother put so much trust in his doctors that he believed right to the very end that he was going to get better. He tolerated the tortuous treatment they were prescribing because he thought it meant he could go home and have a few more years with his family.

I believe those very doctors he put his faith in knew from the outset that he didn't stand a chance of recovery from the leukemia. And with one kidney recently removed, he stood very little chance of surviving the chemotherapy.

It would have been so much better all the way around if they had levelled with him. They have plenty of medication that can keep you relatively pain-free while you live out the remainder of your life with the comfort of your family.

It was the same when my husband died seven years ago. As soon as the cancer was diagnosed, he was sent to a cancer specialist who said they would start chemotherapy right away. We took it for granted this meant my husband's cancer was treatable.

The chemo caused my husband to vomit continuously to the day he died - even after the treatments were aborted because they were not helping. A month after the treatments were started, I was shown a letter this same specialist wrote to our family doctor stating, "I don't expect this to do any good, but we will give chemo a try."

My husband had a right to that information so he could make an informed decision. He may still have gone with the chemo - but at least it would have been His decision.

If we hire a lawyer for legal purposes, we expect that he will give us ALL the infomation and help us to make an informed decision. We should be able to expect the same from our medical profession.

My Brother's Passing

It is time to start working through the life experiences of the last few months. The emotions have just continued to build up until they almost buried me.

That is my way - like an old dog withdrawing from life to lick his wounds - surfacing again only when the pain has subsided to a manageable level.

My bother was aware of unnamed health problems since February. Our family only became aware of this in July when he was too ill to come home for our mother's birthday. I called him weekly after that so I could hear his voice and keep in touch with what was going on for him.

The end of September - what the doctors were calling a cyst on my brother's kidney was now being called a tumor - and they were going to have to remove one kidney. I was scared to make my weekly call after the surgery - but pushed myself and was rewarded by hearing a voice that sounded surprisingly well.

Then I had the dream: My brother and I are standing at a wide chasm in the field out behind our childhood home. I am attempting to help him cross over but it is too wide at this point. I walk closer to the house to see if I can find a spot where it might be easier to cross. I find such a spot; and turn to tell my brother. But he is already on the other side. Amazed I say to him, "How did you get over there so quickly?"

The next day, I receive the news that on his first check-up after the surgery, the doctor informed my brother that he had leukemia and he would have to go back into the hospital to begin chemotherapy.

I give thanks to God that I have learned to pay attention to what my dreams are telling me. That is the only reason I found the courage to pull myself out of the deep (safe) rut I had carved for myself - and go to my brother.

The trip terrified and overwhelmed me. Thankfully, I did not have to make the trip alone. My youngest brother drove the thousand miles that would get us there. My youngest sister and her daughter came as well. The plan was for them to stay the weekend so they could visit my brother; and then they would return home - leaving me behind to help in whatever way I could.

I let everyone else have the first day to visit my brother on their own - with my sister-in-law. I needed a day to recuperate from the trip; and also to gather my courage for the visit.

The next day, when I arrived at the hopital, my brother was sitting on the side of the bed facing the door when I came in. He had lost a lot of weight - was weak and shaky - but he pulled himself to his feet to greet me. We just stood there holding each other for a couple minutes, crying in each other's arms. Those two minutes made the whole trip worthwhile.

I got to visit with him the next two days; and then he was moved into intensive care - dying just a few short days after that.