Physician-Assisted Suicide

I took part in an online survey yesterday "Should physician-assisted suicide be legalized?"

I could not believe the figures so far - 79% were in favor of it.

I honestly feel that this move is so far in the wrong direction.

For one thing, so many people would feel guilted into taking this route rather than burden their loved ones when they are no longer able to care for themselves. And if they didn't already feel this way, I know many people who would only too gladly help them come to this conclusion.

And another thing that some people don't realize is that the end time of a person's life presents many opportunities for very intimate moments of reconciliation. Healing both for the persons as individuals - and their relationship. Healings for brokenness that they often are not even aware of on a conscious level at the time.

With modern technology, we have the means to keep people as comfortable as possible throuhout their transition.

We just need to learn to be "present" to people who are making this very sacred journey.

Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Grief Resolved

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

Forgiveness

There are five things that you cannot recover in life:

The Stone ....after it's thrown.

The Word....after it's said.

The Occasion....after it's missed.

The Time....after it's gone.

A Person....after they die.

(Author unknown)


All you can do once you have matured enough to acknowledge mistakes you made is forgive yourself and move on.

As you get older (and hopefully wiser) there seems to be a lot of acknowledging and forgiving to do.

My inner journey took me back to where I was at personally when I started going with my first husband; and the negative feelings that fueled our relationship.

In hindsight, I realize he expressed my anger; and I fed his guilt.

Now I regret how I disrespected him; and I regret how I disrespected myself.

I vow it will not happen again now that I am more fully aware.

I will never again treat a person with disrespect. I don't have to like them. I don't have to agree with them.

But I can treat them with respect - even in my thoughts.

Lovingkindness

The teacher asked the pupils to tell the meaning of lovingkindness.

A little boy jumped up and said, "Well, if I was hungry and someone gave me a piece of bread, that would be kindness.

But if they put a little jelly on it, that would be lovingkindness.

( from God's Little Devotional Book For Women)

At Home With Myself

I was with a group of people on Sunday afternoon. We spent a couple minutes checking where each person was at. I was surprised to find, when I checked in with myself, that I was feeling very much at home with myself.

"Oh, so this is what being at home with yourself feels like", I thought to myself. "I like it". The feeling was so new to me, I almost let it slip by without noticing it. A feeling so foreign to me; and yet so familiar. I remember this..........just a vague recollection.

I know I will not be able to retain that feeling every minute of every day; but I'm going to "lean into" making it my norm. That way, I'll be able to come back home to that feeling more and more often.

Memories Are For Keeps

This unexpected wave of grief caught me completely off-guard. I didn't recognize this tenacious inertia for what it was. I couldn't understand my reluctance to take the necessary next step on the projects that have been bringing so much joy into my life this past year.

Then I had a dream that I didn't fully understand. In exploring this dream, it took the lid off the feelings that were stirring beneath the inertia.

My friend and mentor turned ninety this past weekend; and there was a big celebration at the country hall. All night long, my eyes were drawn to those fortunate couples who were getting to live out their old age together. I wasn't even aware of the longing that was building up in me as I focused on these people.

Once it all came together for me, I wasn't surprised. I remember now that Easter has been my most difficult time of year since my husband passed away. He always came alive in the Spring after being a little depressed during the winter months. Being a carpenter, he was always called back to work in the Spring. And he could also get busy planting his flower gardens and his vegetable garden.

He was always filled with New Life in the Spring; and it brought so much joy into my heart to watch him work at these things he loved so much. Other people must have felt the same because after a long winter of being "holed up"; they would see him working in his gardens with country music playing away; and they would drop in to watch him work.

At Bible Study today, we got discussing everyone's Easter traditions - and while it brought with it some poignant grief; it also brought to mind many treasured memories.

Memories that are forever mine to keep!

Confirmation

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

Hospital Healing On All Levels

I went in the hospital three days before Christmas. I was too sick to care; and actually it was the best place for me to be because none of my family was able to be home this year.

I was amazed at how many people took time out of their busy schedules to visit me not only on Christmas Eve Day; but also on Christmas Day itself - the kindest, most generous gifts of all. My heartfelt thanks to all of you!

The Christmas carollers came in every night - including Christmas Eve. The hospital even cooked us a Christmas dinner. Mind you, it didn't taste like it would at home but they put forth the effort - and that's what counts.

My minister taped the Christmas Eve service; and loaned me his tape player so I could listen to it. He also lent me five tapes of his favorite speaker - his mentor. That's how I spent Christmas Day listening to those tapes. And the tape of the Christmas Eve service was so beautiful that I listened to it five nights in a row before going to sleep. I think one of my favorite parts was at the end of the tape, after the service was over, with all the voices I recognized wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

The rest of my time during my hospital stay was spent reading the book my granddaughter bought for me this Christmas. She lets me choose a book that I want every Christmas; and I love it. This year I chose Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I had read somebody else's copy of this book back in the fall and wanted a copy of my own so I could read it over and over. Even though I only got halfway through it; it really helped me to put things into perspective. Recognizing when the ego has taken control once again - and getting in touch with the awareness behind the ego is a lifetime job.

I used this opportunity to work on myself at other levels, as well. My biggest complaint has been that they have places for alcoholics to go for rehabilitation. They have places for drug addicts to go for rehabilitaion. But they don't have any place for food addicts to go for rehabilitation. I very quickly made up my mind to use this as the opportunity that I have been longing for. The second day I was there, I asked them to put me on a calorie-restricted diet so I could get started doing what I was wanting to do for a long time - lose some weight and regain some of my lost mobility. They obliged by putting me on a 1500 calorie diet and I lost my first 16 pounds.

They say it takes three weeks to form a new habit. Having been there just three days short of three weeks - and having the chance to see how they would put the meals together has put me at a real advantage. It has not been a problem at all keeping it up at home.

I even learned that the diabetic counselling staff is putting on a six week program called "Changing Your Relationship With Food". I did not waste a minute signing up for it.

This is the year, folks. Nothing can hold me back now. Expect to see this rose in full bloom in the year of 2009.

Love

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Out There

Out there
you'll see it all.
The floating ends
will meet and mend,
and you will be yourself;
your fully-formed,
though always changing,
self of selves.
Every clumsy backward look
will pay for itself.
Every tear you've cried,
or wanted to cry,
will set your broken bones.
The rips in your heart
will no longer
need to be guarded
by steel girders,
banyan trees,
or even rice paper.
Not so much as a
dragonfly's wing
will you need
to cover the bludgeoned place,
to protect the private you
you love so much
and hope to save intact
from what has seemed years
of relentless pummeling.

Go and live and love
in peace, my friend,
for surely there is love
to enfold you,
and life to be feasted upon:
your portion is boundless.
Love will be the more
you've wanted.
You will know it
when you see it.
You will love yourself
as no lover
has ever had the courage
to love;
and the warmth you've wanted
will line your pillowcases,
dance upon your windowsill,
and hide
at the ends of your socks
awaiting your toes.

-Deborah Mears

Seeking The Sacred

I tend to avoid book studies that just want to look at books from an intellectual point of view. We can get lost in our thinking mind way too easily. I have, however, had the good fortune to be a part of two or three book studies that were well worth the time and effort that went in to them.

Right now I am part of a group that is looking at "Seeking The Sacred" (Leading a Spiritual Life in a Secular World). The chapter we were looking at this week was written by Marion Woodman and the question that raised the most discussion was "What do you think the difference is between spirit and soul?"

It did not take us long to be completely bogged down as each of our thinking minds took us down mind-boggling paths that were increasingly complicated, complex and confusing. After I gave up trying to think of an answer for what each of these words means to me - with my thinking mind(Egoic) out of the way - my nonthinking (Creative) mind was then freed up to give me an image for the soul. And what came to me, interestingly enough, was a kernel of corn inside of an onion. From the moment of conception, each negative or unloving life experience adds another layer to the onion. Each loving or compassionate life experience takes away a layer of the onion.

My dream that night gave me a working image of the spirit - an abandoned vehicle. While the soul does not leave the body until death - the spirit, which is energy, can choose to abandon the body (where the heart resides) and live in the head (mind). Furthermore, we can be unaware that we have done this. Or becoming aware, we are not sure how to reverse it.

Anyone else want to take on this challenge and enlighten me further?

Solitude In Community

Henri Nouwen wrote some interesting words on Community that helped me to realize why my expectations of Community were never met. My expectations were faulty - they were never meant to be realized. It is better that they were never met. It made me dig deeper inside myself - where the solution lay waiting to be found.

"Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community."

Excerpt from "Bread For The Journey".

A Touch Of Joy - A Touch Of Sorrow

"Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we're overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy." - Henri Nouwen

Today has been a joyful day. My husband would have loved being a part of it.

To help me choose recipes for the cookbook I'm working on, I had my bible study group come for a pancake breakfast. I made the toppings yesterday - strawberry and blueberry.

The minister manned the griddle and cooked the bacon and the pancakes for us - regular, buttermilk, and pumpkin.

I baked apples in maple syrup to go with the pumpkin pancakes; and we finished off with a taste of pumpkin custard.

What a tremendous way to start off our day and our bible study.

I'm glad that I have healed enough to be able to enjoy these wonderful high moments of life once again; without having to suffer the terrible lows that immediately follow them earlier on in the grief process.