Wild Things Grow In The Wilderness

Sister Grace told us: "You have to go into your darkness before you can go into the light." Your heart softens and then you can walk in the light."

Keith's dying opened the door that led to my wilderness. I had to struggle deep within myself to find the will to even continue living - to not "just give up the ghost."

When my 8 year old niece came to live with me three years later, I was forced to make my way out of my wilderness. I cannot say that I did this willingly.

Sparks would fly. I wanted to stay safe and secure in my dark coccoon; never feeling anything again. She, however, refused to take no for an answer. She NEEDED connection - and was looking for it from me. I was unable to ignore her persistence, so I would come out yelling.

This little she-bear did not care so long as we were connecting. She was the only person in my world strong enough to walk through my anger with me - she had so much of her own anger that we would just end up being angry together - for a little while - then both of us being peace lovers at heart, we would walk peacefully for another little while.

Eventually I said to her, "You know we are both in the same boat. We should just accept it and get along with each other." " What do you mean?" she asked. I answered her. "Well, you would rather be living with your mother but you can't; I would rather be living with Keith but I can't.
So we should make the best of things and try to live together in peace." She thought it over and
decided we could both put more effort into that.

Our third anniversary comes up next week. We are both doing so much better. And we have both been so good for each other in spite of all the feuds.

You wonder sometimes if God really knows what He is doing; but I guess when you are looking at the Big Picture, you see so much more. If we trust, God will cause even the dry places in us to blossom.

Honor In Relationships

I just finished reading a wonderful post on Honor at Howlsatmoon.blogspot.com - it made me realize that is where my mind was trying to take me in my thoughts on Relationship for this post.

Identifying what I am not has always been easier for me than identifying what I am. Maybe that is why the temptation was always so great when a role ended, to immediately replace it with another.

I have been a bit of a martyr all my life - sacrificing my Self for the needs of others. It is not something I knowingly set out to do. It is something I started so early in my life that I had no awareness of doing it as an adult. It was just so much a part of me by that time.

My strongest memory of my father, whom I adored as much as you would adore any god, was of him sitting in an armchair, HURTING inside, and me standing there helplessly, not knowing how to help him. So I sacrificed my Self. I made it my business to know what he needed me to be, and I did my best to BE it.

There is no Honor in being untrue to yourself, even if you are mistakenly doing it out of love.
I needed someone to tell me the only Honor you can have in the world of relationships is to find a way to be there for people you care about without being unfaithful to yourself.

Interestingly enough, when the mind and the heart work together to find the answers to these dilemnas, the solution quite often brings out the BEST in both of you.

HONOR BEGETS HONOR!

Remembering

The essence of finding meaning in the future
is not to forget my past, as I have been told,
but instead to embrace my past.

For it is in listening to the music of the past
that I can sing in the present
and dance into the future.

Author Unknown


I lovingly hold and embrace my past as I move into my future.

I commit myself to being as truthful as possible, with as much sensitivity as possible, both with my Self and with others.

Learning To Love Myself

Of all the lessons in life, I have found learning to love myself the hardest.

Learning to love myself in spite of all the flaws that are still so much a part of me(and probably always will be) has been the biggest undertaking of my life. And it will probably take me the rest of my life to get even halfway there.

The tool I have found most useful in this undertaking is to observe myself without judgment. That harsh, critical voice that I always heard in my head prevented me from seeing the reasons behind the things I said and did that did not live up to my expectations of myself.

In the old days, I was more able to do what my Adapted Self demanded of me so I could convince myself I was nicer than I really was. But this Real Self - she won't have any of that. She forces me on the outside to be exactly what I am feeling on the inside while still trying to treat the people in my world respectfully and lovingly - tall order sometimes. Especially when you still have to face honestly how well you pulled it off.

It is getting easier though. Once I started observing without judgment, I was able to follow the threads of my reactions all the way back to the reasons behind my reactions. Once I was able to do that, I was more able to forgive myself and then had fewer reasons to forgive myself.

I find now that I am not betraying myself every time I turn around in hopes of earning somebody's approval, I am freer to enjoy being who I am - actually discovering who I am for the first time as I watch how I respond to the gifts Life brings my way.

It is a small first step in learning to love myself but I like the foundation I am building on which is more than I can say about myself in the past.

The Gift Of Love

My son and his wife have gone away for a week and I am babysitting their cat.

Now my son LOVES this cat; and this cat, who was once the runt of the litter, has responded to this love by growing huge. Now where I really ENJOY this cat, I don't love him the way my son does; and, of course, the cat feels the difference.

Thursday was day 5 and I could tell that the cat was really lonesome for his people and for his known way of life. He doesn't mind coming here for two or three days - rather enjoys the change for that long - but he has had enough - probably beginning to feel Abandoned.

All day Friday the cat, normally a very loving animal, kept biting my hand every chance he got. Although I could not allow him to get away with this behavior, I could EMPATHIZE with him.

I have been doing the same thing for the last six years, since my second husband died. I LOVED that man unconditionally. He was just so easy to love. He was gentleness personified - the first gentleness I had ever experienced in my life.

He had this way of encouraging me to be all I could be without ever using words - words were never his strong point - I always thought things through and chose my words carefully if I had to talk to him about something serious.

But the greatest gift of all that he had was the ability to enjoy himself fully, in the moment, no matter where he was or who he was with. It did not matter if he would rather be someplace else. It did not matter if he would rather be doing something else, or with somebody else. He just put all of himself into enjoying what he was doing and the people he was with; wherever he was.

And I LOVED that about him.

Joseph Campbell said that when we open to loving a person, whether that person is a spouse, a friend, or a child, we open our hearts to loving God. And when we let somebody love us, we're opening our hearts to God's love.

We are changed by love - whether we are doing the loving or allowing ourselves to be loved. I don't know - but it seems to take a lot of courage to allow yourself to be loved - I wonder if it makes us feel too vulnerable(?)

A Look At The Past

If you have been married more than once, I don't think you love one husband more than another, you just love them differently because you are capable of loving in a different way when you choose them.

I was very young when I got married the first time. I had been ready to leave home for a long time; I knew my needs were never going to be met there and I longed for children of my own.

In looking back, with wiser eyes, I realize that my heart was not very open at that time in my life. I was agonizingly shy, thought very little of myself and was really only capable of loving a child.

The man I married was full of rage which he expressed for both of us - the rage he consciously carried and the rage I had never got in touch with in myself. One thing I was though was a good listener and I think that is how we bonded - with him talking and me listening. After we were married, we laid awake long into the evenings - him talking - me listening. I never had much to say - not having any insight into myself.

We were both deeply devoted to the two children we brought into the world, even though we unintentionally wounded them through our personal issues that we had not even thought of dealing with.

Pain pushes us to grow by screaming at us louder and louder until we deal with it or be destroyed by it. I was burying myself in my children's needs - something I was really good at doing. My husband was burying himself in the bottle - and eventually it buried him.

I found Al-Anon a couple years before my husband died. My brother Wayne looked into it for me and then told me about it because he was worried about me. (And I have been extremely grateful ever since - everything good that I have in my life today is because of what I learned in that program.) The Al-Anon program helped me to cope with what was going on in my life at that time by giving me the tools to emotionally detach from my husband's behavior and still treat him with the love and respect he deserved as a human being. It also gave me the tools to start looking inside myself, own what was there, and start doing something about it.

Al-Anon is where I found my voice and started using it to protect myself, eventually to express myself, and maybe someday to ask directly for what I need and want from life.

Being Real

There is nothing wrong with trying to be all your partner needs you to be, so long as you are not being untrue to yourself in the process.

I have a life-long tendency to look at what the people in my world (the ones important to me) need me to be and then invest all of me into trying to be that.

But it appears to me now that once the True Self has become known to you, it refuses to take this lying down. If I even make a small attempt to try to be something I'm not, my True Self (thank God) very quickly sabotages my efforts so that I'm noticeably unsuccessful at it.

When I made my first journey to my Self, years ago, these words from Richard Bach (Illusions) helped me to remember what I needed to do to stay real:

"Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are and attracts those from whom we have to learn, as well."

Shame

I have lived with shame since I was 7 years old.

I broke the unspoken rule in our home and reached out for a physical expression of love.

My father's cousin came to visit and I was running through the house with my brothers and sisters. Every time I ran to the kitchen, I got to run into his open arms and receive a hug. I still recall the innocent delight I took in the freedom I felt.

He invited me to go for a ride to the store with him and, with my mother's permission, I went. He stopped and bought me some candy and then took me to a deserted spot and sexually molested me.

I returned home filled with such shame, I couldn't look anybody in the eyes. I always felt separate from other children after that, different from them. I had lost my innocence.

That shame became incorporated into my Being. It would be thirty years before I would tell even one person the shameful secret I carried.

To this day it gets in my way of giving and receiving affection. That one-time incident puts me "on guard" in every interaction with other people.

It shows up even in my heightened need to be in control of what's happening around me.

It shows up in feeling more comfortable when it's me initiating the hug or at least being aware that it is going to happen so I can prepare myself.

It shows up in having to have my route all mapped out before going anywhere, and having to know in advance any changes to the plans.

It shows up in my heightened anxiety in new surroundings or with new people.

It shows up when I sternly reprimand my daughter, niece, granddaughters for wearing clothing that reveals their beautiful young bodies.

It shows up in my need to bury my feminine body under pounds of flesh disguising it so it will not be found inviting.

It shows up in my need to do my welcoming in my kitchen and at my table where it is much safer to connect with people.

It shows up in my feeling vulnerable in church - not worthy.

It shows up in me having too much body shame to fully integrate my spirit with it.

It shows up in me watching my boss' beautiful secretary blush as a delivery man becomes tongue-tied in her presence, and I think to myself what a handicap physical beauty is in this world.

Having said all that, I feel compelled to add that I consider myself fortunate. If my life was impacted that much by a one-time abusive incident from a distant relative, how much more difficult is it for children coping with repeated abuses not only from someone in their home but the very someone who is supposed to be their PROTECTOR.

Dreamwork

It is only recently that I realized that it was my father's pain I spent my lifetime carrying. I never learned how to separate myself from it until I braved the hidden depths, sorted out whose pain was whose, keeping only what was mine to deal with.

I married young and it was a painful experience. At that time in my life, I only knew how to relate to a man through his pain - and my husband was running away from his pain in a bottle instead of dealing with it. It took 17 years for that to claim his life, setting us both free from misery.

This is when I made my first inner journey in an attempt to know myself better and to learn a new way of relating to the world and the people in it. I wanted to learn how to love in a healthier way; and I wanted my life to reflect that love. This is when I discovered the gift of working with my dreams - an ability we all have if we choose to develop it. Over the years, I have used this new found tool to explore the more hidden parts of myself. Dreams make it impossible to deceive yourself - they force you to face even those deep, dark secrets that make it impossible for you to love yourself.

Discernment

After publishing yesterday's post, I realized that active surrender is very much like the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Discernment is the wisdom to know the difference, and it is what I ask for now in my prayer requests.

I spent the first part of my life learning to accept things I should never have accepted in the first place.

I spent the more recent part of my life fighting against the things I had trained people to believe I would accept.

Now I prayerfully ask God for discernment to know what I should accept and what I should never surrender to.

I also pray for the ability to accomplish this great task with love so the people I care about do not feel like I am betraying them as I re-create myself.

Active Surrender

Yesterday I stumbled across a concept that was new to me - active surrender.

I tried it on for size:

Stop fighting the past....

Accept the present....

Move on....

I like it; I think I'll adopt it.

Homing Pigeon

God put a little bit of the homing pigeon in all of us.

Sometimes finding ourselves surrounded by larger, more aggressive birds of prey, we seek protection. Some of us do this by developing smoke screens to disguise ourselves; some of us build walls to hide ourselves behind, and some people adopt aggressive tactics when it is not really part of their true nature.

But our natural instincts will always win out, given time. Circumstances will be put into our lives to guide us back to that small flickering light that can never be completely extinguished.

We all have our own song to sing, and it will be sung, no matter how briefly.

A Safe Haven

I am a child
looking to you for protection....
that trust is betrayed.

I am innocence
looking to you for affection....
that trust is betrayed.

I am a young wife
expecting you to be faithful....
that trust is betrayed.

I am a widow
looking to you for justice....
that trust is betrayed.

I am an old person
looking to you for compassion....
that trust is betrayed.

Thank you, God,
for being the one place I can always go
where my trust is never betrayed.

The Woman Within

What do you see when you look at me?
Sexy young thing
will meet my needs
for excitement
adventure
ecstasy divine
but inside this body
that stirs your blood
is a woman waiting to be found.

What do you see when you look at me?
With my middle age spread
and my apron on
will meet my needs
for meals to be cooked
house to be cleaned
errands to be run
but inside this body
that slaves for you
is a woman waiting to be found.

What do you see when you look at me?
a body too old to move fast
a mind too slow to think quick
needs help with everything she does
can't meet my needs
but inside this body
you wish to discard
is a woman waiting to be found.

The Sacred Gift

The shaman motioned for Dehlia to go through the waterfall and, upon doing so, she found herself in a cave filled with warm light. In front of her stood a table made of solid oak, and on it were three round boxes covered with sand colored cloth embossed with roses of all different sizes. The three boxes were nestled one inside another.
Opening them one at a time, she found that the smallest box contained all the memories of her youth - painful and joyful alike. This included the memories of her first marriage and the birth of her two children.
The middle box held the wonderful treasures of those middle years when she made her first journey to the centre of her Being. Among these treasures were the memories of the first man she trusted enough to open her heart to - the man she dared to love whole-heartedly. It also held the disappointments that their human limitations imposed on them from the emotional wounds of their youth. Looking a little further, she saw the enormous grief she felt when he died and the anger she had towards her God who encouraged her to open her heart all the way and then left her mortally wounded.
The largest box was almost empty except for a few rose petals which floated in the space that seemed to go on forever. She recognized these petals as being the ones she found on her most recent journey to her centre. This box was waiting to be filled with the endless possibilities of her future. For now these possibilities were dancing on moonbeams, amongst stars twinkling delicately in delight, waiting to be claimed by her.
When Dehlia asked the shaman who the gift was from, he told her it was from the bag lady that she had shown some kindness to at the homeless shelter. "The gift of your True Self can never be found on your own," he said. "It can only come to you as a gift of gratitude for a kindness you have shown another."
Dehlia remembered the lady he was talking about but didn't remember any act of kindness on her part. In fact, she had almost walked right past the bag lady; she was so preoccupied with feeling sorry for herself and beating herself up for not possessing certain qualities that would make life easier to get through.
Then at the last possible second, she noticed the matronly figure long ago rejected by society and smiled at her as she passed by. She shamefully admitted this to the shaman, worried that he would take this valuable gift away from her.
"That was the gift," he said. "To the invisible, the greatest gift you can give is a look that acknowledges them as a Person. Our Presence is the most valuable gift we have to share with one another."

The Birthing

The change happened so fast, it was not even noticeable. One minute Dehlia was doing the routine tasks associated with maintaining a house, getting the meal ready for the family as usual
and then, in the blink of an eye, she was gone - transported away to a world almost too beautiful to be real. The knife she was using to prepare the vegetables was gone from her hands. The old clothes she normally wore around the house had been replaced by a long flowing robe which was turquoise in color, and was made from a material that was more comfortable than any she had worn before.
In front of her astonished eyes was an emerald green waterfall which sparkled like jewels in the sunlight. It was surrounded by gigantic redwood trees standing stately under a blue sky. On top of the waterfall sat a slight man - rather ordinary looking to be the renowned shaman that he was. He sat on his haunches like a cougar ready to pounce on his prey. He wore only a piece of white linen material tied turban style around his lower torso, accentuating his sunbrowned skin making it look like rich mahogany.
Ordinarily she would have been frightened by such an unusual sight but there was something so welcoming about his smile and his kind, gentle eyes that it left no room for fear. She had only known this feeling of total love and acceptance once in her life and that was from a stray dog she had rescued from the cold.

The Gift Of Life

The Cougar was three-quarters of the way home when God's Grace arrived in the form of Brother John walking his bicycle accompanied by a Wolf. At first her eyes could not quite make out what the Wolf was never having seen one before. But when he spoke, it was in her native tongue and her heart understood even though her mind did not. Together with the Moose, they helped her to see that she had been allowing fear and anger to smother the light she came into the world with, making it easier for abusive powers to rob her of her birthright. She now had the inner resources to confront those powers disallowing further injury from the Bull and others like him. It had been three days now since she hid out in food and it felt good to be free from that addiction. Her legs were not as strong yet as they needed to be to stand completely on her own, but she was beginning to trust her instincts for survival. Her solitude had served her well. She knew she would be able to face whatever she was called upon to face from here on in.

Cinder Ella

Only from ashes
can a person
be born
who is Real
in every sense of the word.

Encounter

There is something inside you
that reaches in and touches me
where I have never been touched before.

Your inner voice speaks to mine
telling me what a fine person you are.
Unaware of this you clown around
trying to impress.

You do not know
my mind is already made up.
I know who you are;
I have no need of your lies.

There is no way for you to know
my heart already belongs to you.
Nothing you do will change that,
try as you may.

You are frightened;
you got more than you bargained for.
You don't know if you can deal with this;
you're not sure you are ready for it.

I will learn the art of patience.
I will learn to let go in the name of love.
I will leave you in God's hands
and go on with my life.

A little richer for the experience!

Karakul

The lion and the lamb.

The gentle lamb
taming
the savage beast.

His tender touch
reaching
the innermost depths
of her Being.

His gentle nature
soothing
her tormented soul.

Surely
he is a gift to her
from God.

Grey Cougar

A feeling. Unexpressed. Locked in. Tense and tight. Muscle spasms. Don't move. Don't breathe. She may break free. And God knows where she'll make you go, what changes she'll make in your life. Oh! She's getting stronger. You better fight harder. Too late - there she goes - soaring above the clouds, over the tree tops. Unencumbered. No longer weighted down with responsibilities that were never hers to begin with. No longer chained to the foolish fears that formed themselves into layers of fat.

Eternity

Now is the hour
that shall never come again.
Now is the moment
I shall never forget.
You are the one I never met.
I recognize you
from unfamiliar feelings within,
feelings I have never known before.
I've been waiting
through all eternity
for your return.
I was an Indian maid
waiting on the shore
for the young cowboy
I knew would come no more.
My faith was strong enough
to see me through
all these years
of waiting for you.

Unity

My search for self-discovery
is meaningless
unless somebody cares
enough to share it with me.

Velvet

Come
let me feel the warmth
of your body
with my hands
the satiny smoothness
of your skin.
Open yourself to me
and I shall caress
your cares away.

Buried Treasure

Want to play in my igloo?

It's really nice and warm.
It just feels cold
til you get to know me
which takes a little time.

Don't be fooled
by the frigid sentinel
posted at the door.
The spirit he guards
is warm and loving
but reached only by trust
which must be earned.

I have a feeling
that we can be happy together
once the barriers are down.
Love melts the iciest heart
given the gift of time.

Devotee

Ethereal woman
wistful creature

yearning

to hold you....
to protect you....
to caress you....
to ease you....
to love you....
love you....
love you....

A Rose In Full Bloom

Standing straight and tall
stately like an elm;
willowy, slender, free as the wind.
Dressed in clothing so loose
the breeze lightly caresses
her bare skin;
clothing so loose
it fails to take on the shape of her body.
FREE
to feel all the feelings
that rise to the surface,
unencumbered.

Solitary Offering

I offer you
a gift
that has been offered
to no man -
the gift of Me.

Mine has been
a solitary existence
and one of my own choosing.

I love you.

Curious!

Come here
and let me teach you
what I don't know how.

In Totality

Love me ....
with your mind
with your body
with your emotions
but most of all ....
with your soul.

Contact

Gentleness ....
speaking to me ....
touching me ....
reaching the depths of my soul.

Shadow Dancer

Wayfaring stranger
gypsy that you are
coal black eyes
red hot blood
and a soul that longs to be free.

Not for you a wasted life
shackled
by invisible chains of security.

Walking on the water
dancing on the wind
making love beneath the stars.

Then with the coming
of the morning dew
you are gone
leaving me alone again.

Mendacity

Your voice caresses my ears
and teases my senses.
It wraps itself around me like a cloak
so gentle, so inviting ...
It angers me
this false seduction of yours;
this invitation your voice implies
which you do not mean.