Of all the lessons in life, I have found learning to love myself the hardest.
Learning to love myself in spite of all the flaws that are still so much a part of me(and probably always will be) has been the biggest undertaking of my life. And it will probably take me the rest of my life to get even halfway there.
The tool I have found most useful in this undertaking is to observe myself without judgment. That harsh, critical voice that I always heard in my head prevented me from seeing the reasons behind the things I said and did that did not live up to my expectations of myself.
In the old days, I was more able to do what my Adapted Self demanded of me so I could convince myself I was nicer than I really was. But this Real Self - she won't have any of that. She forces me on the outside to be exactly what I am feeling on the inside while still trying to treat the people in my world respectfully and lovingly - tall order sometimes. Especially when you still have to face honestly how well you pulled it off.
It is getting easier though. Once I started observing without judgment, I was able to follow the threads of my reactions all the way back to the reasons behind my reactions. Once I was able to do that, I was more able to forgive myself and then had fewer reasons to forgive myself.
I find now that I am not betraying myself every time I turn around in hopes of earning somebody's approval, I am freer to enjoy being who I am - actually discovering who I am for the first time as I watch how I respond to the gifts Life brings my way.
It is a small first step in learning to love myself but I like the foundation I am building on which is more than I can say about myself in the past.
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3 comments:
Sounds as though you've got it, Paints with Words.
It seems impossible to love someone else if we don't first understand what it is to "accept" ourselves.
Love ourselves? Maybe. Accept and Understand, mostly, I think.
Because if we don't, we can never feel secure enough to be able to Love someone else without expectation.
I have come to care for you. I don't know you, or what your "exterior" is, but I have glimpsed your Soul through your writings
I have no expectations. No hopes.
Just a comfortable feeling of Caring for another Person. Seems like that is what we're supposed to do.
I can get worked up about "Her", and then retreat to the comfort of words written by unseen "Friends", and be uplifted.
Weird.....and yet, nice.
Give you two to one odds that This one won't see the comments section........lol
Wollf
Dag Nabbit, guess I owe the Lady two bucks.
heehee,
Wollf
Why would I even hesitate to publish such warm words from your heart. Friendship comes in many forms - I'm not about to turn any of them away.
The most meaningful relationship I have had other than with my two husbands (and my father) (and my son) was with an underage guy. He was six months old when I met him and I was his nanny until he started school. That little guy changed me. When I bundled him up at 3 years old to go outside, he would reach over and close my coat and put my scarf on - things I would forget to do for myself. That was when I first started to learn to take care of myself, too. He taught me that.
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