Struggle For Survival

She died a hard death - that part of me that clung to responsibilities that were never hers to begin with.

Small wonder.

She thought it was her sole purpose for being.

Belly Breathing

I've always had a big belly - probably a bread eater's version of a beer belly.

Little Thomas was used to my belly size since I was his nanny from the time he was six months old. Then one day, seeing my belly from a different perspective, it stood out to him more.

When putting his crayons away so we could have lunch together, he dropped one on the floor. I was already sitting at the table when he got down to retrieve it.

He came out from under the table with a big grin on his face saying, "I like your big belly, Rose."

I had never seen my big belly in a positive light before - and only now, 20 years later, am ready to own the more positive aspects of this fleshy part of my body.

Buddha belly. Birthing belly. Home of all feelings belly. Home where all memories are stored belly.

It is time to put this big belly to a new use. It is time for it to become a grounding belly.

Alan W. Watts suggests in "The Way of Zen" to "count belly breaths from 1-10 over and over again. Belly breathing shifts the body's centre of gravity to the abdomen giving the whole posture a sense of firmness, of being part of the ground upon which you are walking."

After a lifetime of trying to disown this body by fleeing into my creative imaginings, this sounds good to me. "Being part of the ground upon which you are walking" - it sounds like native wisdom.

Wisdom that I would like to make a part of the way I live my life. The next most important step after incorporating last year's native teaching of living my life with respect, respect, respect, respect.

"The slow, easy breathing from the belly works upon the consciousness like bellows and gives it a still, bright clarity."

This will make it even easier to want to stay in my body. It will make escape even less necessary.

I have wanted to make meditation a part of my daily routine for a long time but, until now, hadn't found a way that fit for me. A way that I was ready for.

I think I can manage this one.

One, two, three, four.............

Looking Through Eyes Of Love

He was a weak knight who I dressed in shining armor.

I was damaged goods - a damsel in distress.

Two imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Oh, but, he made my heart sing.

And we made beautiful music together.

Music that, while not perfect, managed to bring out the best in each of us for the seventeen years we were together.

Restoring Balance

I wonder if navigating through life works better if you follow the same rules as in riding a bike.

When falling, don't resist. Turning your wheel in the direction of your fall will allow you to restore your balance more quickly.

I never do anything halfway. Whenever I take anything on, I devote myself wholeheartedly to it.

And that is why when the bottom falls out of it (as it always does eventually in one way or another) I feel the loss so deeply.

One thing I have learned (rather painfully I might add) is to go with the flow rather than against it.

So here is me taking time out.... going with the flow.... creating space for myself....recreating me (for the millionth time, it seems).

Once I stop resisting, it doesn't feel half bad. Even brings a sense of relief with it.

Life Patterns

Life patterns are not easily recognized - probably because they are so much a part of who we are and how we relate to the world.

My dreams lately have been showing me that I have returned to an old pattern - one that does not work well for me, at that.

I watched and waited patiently for this pattern to reveal itself more fully to me.

Once I started creating spaces in my life for my health and well-being, this pattern was reflected in my eating habits.

Surprise, surprise!

The tendency to put too much on my plate started happening once again. This is when I noticed that I was taking on too much in other areas of my life, as well.

Work that a large part of me did not even want to do; but a small part of me did not want to give up.

What small part of me feels so rewarded by this work that it is content to bury me in it - to the point where there is no energy left to enjoy the finer parts of life?

Curious!

Grief Resolved

It was like a mule kicked me in the stomach.

Unexpectedly. Seemingly from out of nowhere.

The impact of long lost feelings of love I had forgotten ever existed.

My grief after my first husband died was pulled in so many directions - most of them painful.

Memories that held me hostage for many years.

But this road had not been explored.

Probably for survival's sake..........

An unexpected sob escaped my lips as the tears flowed.

And shortly after, happier memories began to surface.

Retreat

All I can do, at any time, is respond to what speaks the loudest from my inner space.

Right now it is a need for solitude............for stillness..........for space.