Wagon Wheels

I do not know if I can find the right words to express what is on my heart this morning, but here goes. I will start out with a quote from Henri Nouwen:

"I have always been fascinated by these wagon wheels with their wide rims, strong wooden spokes, and big hubs. These wheels help me to understand the importance of a life lived from the center. When I move along the rim, I can reach one spoke after the other, but when I stay at the hub I am in touch with all the spokes at once."

I have found this to be true over and over in my life - whenever I make it back to my center - past all the barriers and the roadblocks I have unknowingly installed in myself. These same blockages that were erected to protect me from pain eventually created even more pain by their very presence.

When the pain in my life became too great, I started doing the necessary work involved in tearing these barriers down. It takes a lot of courage on one's part but a pain-filled life is a strong motivator. The work is not done quickly - it is done one painful step at a time, baby steps sometimes. But you find your courage and motivation increasing as you see the pain diminish and be replaced with ever-increasing small miracles.

My second husband and I both came from pain-filled pasts - me from a large dysfunctional family where emotional needs were never met and physical needs - just barely. My parents were good people, though, just doing the best they could do with too many to do for. I longed for children of my own, so I married a rage-filled man and started a family.

Keith was a confirmed bachelor trying to care for aging alcoholic parents. Before we met, I wallowed in my pain while he did everything he could do to avoid his.

I had been on my first inner journey for awhile when our paths crossed. I was very much in touch with my center and my inner world was "Coming Alive" while witnessing with disbelief one small miracle after another.

Our courtship consisted mostly of sitting beside each other on the couch - him with his arm resting on my shoulder - me with my head resting on his shoulder - listening to a Nana Maskouri tape I had brought - over and over - just soaking up the Comfort of each other's Presence - building a Friendship that would eventually see us safely through a marriage and his death.

The bonds of intimacy grew even stronger between us as he "lived" his dying with the same dignity with which he lived his life. I believe that it was because we learned to connect from our very "centers" that we were even able to maintain that connection and be there for one another (to a certain extent) after his death - giving each other the strength for our individual journeys.

I had to fight hard to stay in this world after he died - it did not have much appeal for me. Probably the only reason I fought so hard to stay is that I didn't trust my children and grandchildren to find their right paths without my eternal interference. Then God put a great-niece in my life at just the time I felt myself not being needed anymore, and was ready once again to "let go".

Now I feel ready, for the first time in my life, to just enjoy "being alive" - savoring the moment- and looking forward to what comes next - even if it is only "more of the same".