My Dance Of Late

One step forward.

Stop and ponder.

Another step forward.

Stop and ponder.

Get caught up in the flow of things.

Get dropped back down to earth again.

Pick myself up.

Shake off the dust.

Stop and ponder.

One step forward...............

Backing Into Things

Until now I never thought backing into things could work in one's favor.

I was always one to shy away from a situation; or embrace it with every part of my being. There was no middle ground.

Since my car accident, I notice that I find it easier to leave a building backwards - easing myself down onto the top step. I also find it easier to enter a vehicle in the same way - easing myself backwards down onto the seat.

Finlly, after four years of this working well for me, I am learning that it also benefits me in certain life experiences.

I no longer shy away from new experiences or embrace them wholeheartedly right from the beginning. Instead I sort of ease myself gently into them in a backward sort of way.

Hey - whatever works!

A Walk In The Dark

Did you ever notice that sometimes life is like a walk in the dark?

During those times, you just act on what speaks to you inside, uncertain where each action is leading you.

I much prefer those times when I have the illusion that I know where I am going - and how to get there.

The Truths Found In Dreams

I don't know how people make their way in this world without paying attention to their dreams. I wouldn't know which way to go.

My dreams let me know when my thinking is out of whack; and needs a little fine tuning.

I was recently reminded through my dreams that when I take my focus off what I feel called to do - being distracted by what others do or fail to do - I am headed for trouble - just like a sinking ship.

And it is also through my dreams that my faith in a Power greater than myself (G0d) is constantly being renewed. Over and over again I am reminded that none of us walk alone. Universal support is guiding us all the time - despite our many attempts to block it.

A Peaceful Existence

Soul needs body as much as body needs soul. - Marion Woodman

I am finally making peace with my body. I finally feel at home in my body. Interesting that it needed to become so used up before I was able to feel at home in it.

This summer I went a lot of places that it was physically challenging for me to go. I pushed my body to its limits - finding ways to work around its limitations each step of the way.

In doing so, we formed a friendship that will serve us well in the next leg of the journey - "old age".

I do not miss youth. It had its own challenges. I enjoy being in the presence of youth; but its always a blessing to bring my tired old body home to the space we have built together.

New Beginnings

September always seems to open me to new beginnings - new possibilities - and at the very least doing old things in a new way.

Even at this stage of my life, I find myself packing things away to make room for whatever is to come. It's like a part of me knows somewhere deep inside which things I have to set aside; and which things I am going to need in the next little while.

Every day is an adventure - living in the moment - responding to the unexpected - on both internal and external levels.

Knee Deep In Pickles

I'm knee deep in pickles - and loving it!

It has been a lot of years since I had a reason to make pickles and I am really having fun with it.

I started out by pickling 25 pounds of beets. I wasn't sure if I would ever see the end of that bag. I think I might start out with 10 pounds next year.

But by the time I was finished with the beets, I was ready to tackle the cucumbers; and then on to the green tomatoes.

My favorite sound is that "pop" each cover makes as it seals - just like it should.

Fall is my favorite time of year. There is always so much to be grateful for. And the beautiful colors along with pleasant temperatures always pull me out of my "busyness" to savor life.

Taking The Blinders Off

"When you know how things REALLY are, your brain rejects bogus data, and your chances for being deceived diminish." - Self Matters calendar.

I remember now why I always enjoyed working together with young people rather than adults. It eliminates all the game-playing and hidden agendas. What you see is what you get!

Years ago, I was knocked completely off-kilter when I got involved in community work as part of an organization. It took me years to sort out what happened - and move on from there.

From that point on, I worked as a single agent - keeping "tuned in" to my Higher Power - alert for ways to be of service to others while being true to myself.

A year ago, I decided it was time to learn how to work as part of a group (a church group). Today my disillusion with the results of these efforts are causing me to rethink this decision.

Am I really a part of a group of people working together - or am I (like once before) the person doing all the work, taking all the risks, and they are just sharing the credit? This wouldn't be a problem except that I know from past experience, somewhere along the way, people start giving you more credit than the others and then the crucifixion begins.

I still believe more can be accomplished with people "working together", but I realize now that reality checks are important each step of the way. This is no time to have the blinders on!

An Investment In Life

My summer has been exhausting as I struggled to break through my physical limitations - but it has been very rewarding on all other levels.

My son and his wife moved to Ontario just before Christmas; so I was facing a long lonely summer. I decided instead of sitting home feeling sorry for myself, I would invest myself in Life.

Beginning at the end of May, I set Thursdays aside for baking. On Fridays, I took my "goodies" to the local Farmer's Market to sell. The proceeds from this venture are going to help support an orphanage in Haiti.

This is not as selfless as it sounds. Doing it this way allows me to fully enjoy the Market experience without getting caught up in whether the return is worth the effort I am putting into it.

In early July, I took time out to go to a four-day "Aboriginal Experience" in Tatamagouche, Nova Scotia. Awesome stuff! Those four days were full of little miracles and synchronicities. From there I went to Truro, Nova Scotia for a 3-day Dream Workshop.

Since my return, I did crafts with children at two week-long Vacation Bible Schools and assisted at a third.

Busy, busy, busy. Plum full of adventures.

And now I am feeling the need to create little pockets of space to process all these new and wonderful life experiences.

Summer is winding down now. And I am grateful for all that I have experienced this summer. But I am even more grateful to pick up my life "as I know it" once again.

A heartfelt hello to my faithful friends who expressed concern at my absence.

It feels so good to be in your presence once again.

At Home With Myself

I was with a group of people on Sunday afternoon. We spent a couple minutes checking where each person was at. I was surprised to find, when I checked in with myself, that I was feeling very much at home with myself.

"Oh, so this is what being at home with yourself feels like", I thought to myself. "I like it". The feeling was so new to me, I almost let it slip by without noticing it. A feeling so foreign to me; and yet so familiar. I remember this..........just a vague recollection.

I know I will not be able to retain that feeling every minute of every day; but I'm going to "lean into" making it my norm. That way, I'll be able to come back home to that feeling more and more often.

Cat Stevens

Cat Stevens...............

His name came up today in something I was reading on the web. I have always loved his song "Morning Has Broken". Wondering whatever became of him, I decided to see if I could find some of his music on YouTube.

Not only did I end up spending an enjoyable afternoon with him and his music, I found out where he had disappeared to.

What a remarkable life he has led!

What a remarkable man!

Memories Are For Keeps

This unexpected wave of grief caught me completely off-guard. I didn't recognize this tenacious inertia for what it was. I couldn't understand my reluctance to take the necessary next step on the projects that have been bringing so much joy into my life this past year.

Then I had a dream that I didn't fully understand. In exploring this dream, it took the lid off the feelings that were stirring beneath the inertia.

My friend and mentor turned ninety this past weekend; and there was a big celebration at the country hall. All night long, my eyes were drawn to those fortunate couples who were getting to live out their old age together. I wasn't even aware of the longing that was building up in me as I focused on these people.

Once it all came together for me, I wasn't surprised. I remember now that Easter has been my most difficult time of year since my husband passed away. He always came alive in the Spring after being a little depressed during the winter months. Being a carpenter, he was always called back to work in the Spring. And he could also get busy planting his flower gardens and his vegetable garden.

He was always filled with New Life in the Spring; and it brought so much joy into my heart to watch him work at these things he loved so much. Other people must have felt the same because after a long winter of being "holed up"; they would see him working in his gardens with country music playing away; and they would drop in to watch him work.

At Bible Study today, we got discussing everyone's Easter traditions - and while it brought with it some poignant grief; it also brought to mind many treasured memories.

Memories that are forever mine to keep!

Licence To Drive

This past winter a new fear entered my mind. And once it entered, it would not go away.

What if the car broke down while I was travelling alone? My mobility would make walking for help an issue. Now, mind you, I don't travel far from home but even a short walking distance would be difficult for me.

So I finally gave myself permission to get a cell phone. I will just keep it for emergency use while in the car. Funny how hard it is to put out money for the intangibles - the items we need for insurance purposes.

Now I can drive alone and get even more of my confidence back. It reminds me of when my children started going to school; and I was able to (or had to is more like it) cross those big city streets alone. It amazes me how we get so used to these little securities that it is hard to let go of them. "Little hands" or even "the presence of another" can become something we think we can not do without. But we have to dare to stand alone. We have to dare to walk alone - anywhere we go in life.

Here I am starting out on my own once again.

Out Of Sight

My sister expressed some concern because I haven't posted anything for awhile. My apologies to the few who do follow my footsteps on this site.

I have been busy playing in another corner - and since it was something new to me, it was taking up most of my day and ALL of my mental capacity.

I always have to get comfortable with new things in my life before I share the details - it just seems to be my nature.

As some of you know, I have been getting direction and guidance from my dreams for about 28 years. The last couple years, I have been taking part in a small Dream Circle hosted by my brother 2-3 times a week www.rightdreaming.com I have learned a lot from him during that time which increased my understanding of my own dreams.

Well, a couple weeks ago, I stumbled across this site www.experienceproject.com and have been interpretting some of the dreams posted there. If anyone is interested in checking out my activity there, I am using my same name - buddingrose4u.

Life is going well - I have survived another winter and am looking forward to Spring. I have a lot of new things going on in my life - along with a lot of new people. Once I have a better handle on where this is all leading, I will share it with you.

I'm not one to talk unless there is a burning desire to express something, so bear with me. I'm "taking in" and "laying low" more than I am "putting out" these days.(heh)

The Music Of Life

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be.
The last of life, for which
the first was made.

Robert Browning

I gotta own up to it. I love that good old-time country music. The kind we used to hear a long time ago.

Every Saturday night from 6 to 9, I get to tap my toes as I drift down memory lane.

Did you ever notice when you hear those songs from many years ago, you can pinpoint the phase of life you were at when you first heard it? You also remember the people who were the most important to you at that time in your life.

Truthfully, parts of us we long ago thought dead respond to music we love. I remember one time going to hear this lady sing who has made music her ministry. She goes to the hospital playing and singing people's favorite songs for them (often requested by the family member present). She shared memories of people having a tear rolling down their cheek in response to the songs. This gave the family great comfort because they visited and talked to this family member without knowing if they were even being heard.

Music seems to reach a deeper part of ourselves. I grew up in the Catholic church, but moved on to the Anglican church to raise my children, and now on to the United church in my older years. But to this day, if I hear a bit of Catholic music being played, I feel my spirit respond for all it's worth.

Notes To Myself

I often write notes to myself - sometimes from deep inside myself - sometimes something I read or overheard that I want to remember. Often there is only enough time to write a hastily scribbled note on a piece of paper.

I recently came across one such piece of paper that reminded me to:

"Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, where you are."

My sister made me aware of a fun (free) way to provide rice for the poor http://www.freerice.com/ . Check out the short video on the left of the screen.

I make a point of going there once a day and send a few grains of rice to some hungry person. There are several topics to choose from; and every correct answer sends 10 grains of rice across the world.

The subject I stick with is vocabulary because I have always loved words. They even have an art section for you art lovers.

Go ahead - give it a try - let me know how you make out.

"The heart that gives, gathers."

It's A New Day

Many of us have damaged our bodies in one way or another by the time we reach my age.

All we can do about it is love ourselves where we are at; and do the best we can with what we have left.

A World Of Difference

"It makes me feel weak," the young man said. "I don't like that feeling."

"Are you sure it is weakness that you are in touch with," I responded, "or just vulnerability."

He thought for a moment and decided I was right.

Poetry In Motion

A friend of mine has a new man in her life. He is a butcher.

"Watching him cut meat is like poetry," she says.

I know just what she means.

Anyone who has ever watched a person doing work they love would know exactly what she means.

As would anybody who has ever watched with the eyes of their heart wide open.

I am very happy for her. I remember being there; and it was wonderful.

Happy Valentine's Day

I know that I am a few days early but this will give people time to reflect on the little kindnesses they would like to pass on to people in their world this Valentine's Day.

I am spending this week getting the last of the Christmas things put away - running a little behind this year.

At the same time I am doing this, I am keeping a close eye out for anything I might be able to pass on to the different non-profit organizations in our area - just part of my regular January cleanup - creating spaces for God to fill.

I enjoy doing unexpected little things to bring a smile to somebody's heart for Valentine's Day -not big expensive things - just a little something to express the warm feelings I have for this person - or a little something to express gratitude for a kindness a person has recently shown me.

To quote Carol Holmes: "A happy life is made up of little things - a gift sent, a letter written, a call made, a recommendation given, transportation provided, a cake made, a book lent, a check sent."

Sometimes throughout the year, life gets too busy for me to always do these things; so Valentine's Day is when I schedule some space in my life for a few of these little heartwarming gestures.

And we are all familiar with Mother Teresa's now famous quote: "W can do no great things; only small things with great love."

So my wish for you is to "Have a Happy Valentine's Day.

Family

A person travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.

- George Moore

My son and his wife were home for a few days. It was wonderful having them here once again. Monday my son spent his whole morning in the living room on one conference call after the other. His wife was sitting in the kitchen chatting with my granddaughter while getting her hair straightened.

I found myself totally relaxing - contented with the sounds of family going about their business around me.

New and different sounds but comforting in their familiarity.

This morning, I am remembering what it was like for me when I was younger - returning home for a visit and then back to my busy life - refreshed, refueled, renewed by my visit home.

Now I am the one being left behind at the home place - the one keeping the home fires burning. But once again I feel those same feelings - of being refreshed, refueled, renewed by the visit.

I remember reading somewhere once that at the end of the day, eagles get together with their loved ones - touching each other - snuggling into one another - that physical contact giving them what they needed.

It's amazing to me just how comforting it is hearing your family coming and going around you. It's my age, I guess. But I needed this visit - the contentment I feel will keep me going through the remainder of this long, cold winter.

This unexpected visit has brought spring back into my heart. And the memories will see me through whatever life brings.

Life Lessons

Got one of those emails from a friend today that you are supposed to pass on to several other people. I hate emailing them to other people; but every now and again, they are worth receiving.

This is the reminder that came to me from today's email:

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need - to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

I realize how much I have grown over the years - not only from interactions with the people who loved me enough to realize and respect my sensitivities - but even more from processing the interactions with all the others - those who loved me but could never bring themselves to show it - those who never saw anything in me worth loving - and the countless others who came and went in my lifetime that fit somewhere in between those three categories.

I give thanks to all of you - whether you were in my life for just a moment or for a long time. I am who I am today because of each and every one of you. I have no regrets; I could not have done it without you.

Some lessons take a lifetime to learn.

In God I trust

There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves.

L.M. Montgomery

Personal update in the life of this budding rose.

When I let go of the reins and let God control my life, amazing things happen. Things like minor miracles, love experiences, etc. All it takes on my part is accepting each moment as it happens.

Wednesday my young (adult) granddaughter treated herself to some peppermint tea and (diabetic-safe) cocoanut cookies when we made our grocery run. Middle of the afternoon she shows up in my kitchen with an invitation to join her in this safe indulgence. It was absolutely delightful - this unexpected social call.

Wednesday evening, we had another immense dumping of snow on us overnight followed by freezing rain. I called the man who plows my driveway to let him know that I had an early morning appointment for my second laser treatment (which proved to be even more painful than the first one; but worth it because I am noticing slight improvement in my vision already.)

Thursday morning, the woman I engaged to chauffeur me on the hundred mile trip to my appointment kindly shovelled a path in the knee-deep snow for me to get from the door to her shiny, black (new) car. She proved to be a delightful person with whom I had a lot in common; and we enjoyed stimulating conversation all the way there and back home again.

Slight mishap on the way into the city due to very slippery road conditions. A transport truck was sideways on the road just ahead of us on the downhill ramp. The car behind him got stopped. The pickup truck in front of us just barely got stopped. My driver slowly put on her brakes - but no luck - we just slid into the back of the pickup truck. No damage at all to the pickup truck; but the hood of my driver's car was crumpled like a candy bar wrapper.

I still had to get the rest of the way to the hospital for my laser treatment; and her car was no longer driveable. After we waited for the police to arrive and write up the accident report, the driver of the pickup truck kindly offered to take me the rest of the way.

It was no easy matter to get my short (not very mobile) legs up into the highest pickup truck I had ever seen - but we managed. It must have been quite a sight for the onlookers; but I didn't concern myself with that as I struggled to get myself up a level or two in order to complete my journey.

I think I will end my post at this point as I let the deep symbolism of those words sink into my being - AS I STRUGGLED TO GET MYSELF UP A LEVEL OR TWO IN ORDER TO COMPLETE MY JOURNEY.

It Only Hurts If You Let It

To the extent that we want
something from someone,

To that exact degree
we will be in pain,

For it is desire
that brings pain

And it is love
that brings joy.

- Joan Walsh Anglund

A Mary Heart In A Martha World

We were driving home one winter from a retreat when we encountered a detour that took us off the main highway onto a snow-packed dirt road. Mile after mile we drove, the only car on the vast Montana plain, with only a barbed-wire fence to outline the way.

"I think we're lost," I said to my husband.

"We're not lost," he said, "Go back to sleep."

I don't know how much farther we drove but I awoke when the car finally slowed down and turned into a driveway - the only driveway, I learned later that my husband had seen in the last fifty miles.

I rubbed my eyes and sat up in time to see a small, rusty trailer leaning slightly into the wind. I looked over at my husband as he pulled the car to a stop.

"We're lost," he admitted.

BUT WE WEREN"T LOST AT ALL.

The old man who came out to greet us looked a bit disappointed when my husband crawled out of the car. It was his birthday, you see. And he had hoped against hope that the car he heard in the driveway was his son coming to visit from Minnesota.

But he seemed to cheer up as we stayed and chatted for a while, giving him as a birthday present a small, stuffed animal I'd bought on the trip. There was a tear in his eye but a smile on his face when he shook our hands and pointed the way back to the main road.

- Joanna Weaver

Happy Birthday, Brother

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. - From "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens

Yesterday would have been my brother's next birthday. I lit a candle for him and said a prayer for him, his wife and his daughter.

All those firsts are difficult; as most of us know.

I was just a little over one year old when he was born - a little mother even then. Or did I become a little mother because it was almost required of me? Who knows?

I found myself reflecting on the family dynamics that were in place at the time - understanding a little bit more - with no animosity towards anybody - just acceptance and understanding.

I reflected on my relationship with my brother; we were very close. I recalled many things about him that warmed my heart.

Happy Birthday, Brother! I will continue to treasure the things I loved about you as I complete my journey.

On The Lighter Side

Over and over again, I have been watching a video on YouTube. I swear that I enjoy it more each time I watch it. It is Pixar - Hippo & Dog - The Lion Sleeps Tonight. I wasted a whole day trying to figure out how to download it so I could show it to you - couldn't figure it out. I also couldn't understand the copyright laws. The numbers and letters were too small for me to see so I was not able to set up a link. Therefore, if you are curious enough to want to see it , you will have to take the long way around and look it up on YouTube.

I enjoy it as much as I do, I think, because it portrays the duality of me. Those two parts I know so well. Mary with her natural unrestrained buoyancy - and Martha with that usual look of disdain on her face that her counterpart brings out in her.

I LOVE IT! I have had to work on accepting both these parts of myself. This video helps me not only to accept them but to cherish them - delight in them - both of them - Mary and Martha.

Laser

I had my first laser treatment on my damaged eye yesterday.

My sister-in-law drove me the hundred miles we had to travel. It was an enjoyable trip. She is a non-stop talker so it kept me distracted from any nervousness I might have otherwise been feeling.

The young doctor is a real go-getter. I don't know if he double-boooks or triple-books his patients. I just know that you are guaranteed a 2-3 hour wait any time you go to see him. However, he is a very thorough doctor and really seems to "know his stuff".

The laser treatment itself is a very uncomfortable procedure but only takes five minutes. They strap your head in once you have your chin on the chin rest. Smart move! Because they then shoot 400 hunded injections of light into your eye. After about the first minute, you begin to feel like you can't tolerate any more; and the natural instinct is to recoil. It takes a concentrated effort to stay with it even though you have no other choice available at the moment.

I came out of there not being able to see anyting for the first little while. I immediately put on my dark sunglasses (that I got for just this occasion) and left them on until bedtime.

There seems to be a slight improvement in my vision already - although I can't help but wonder if it's just my imagination. Time will tell.

One down - four more to go.

Confirmation

It was like confirmation from the universe that the old identity is no more.

I went to withdraw some money from the bank; and the computer would no longer recognize or accept my card.

So I had to get a new card to go along with my new identity.

So it's official! My identity has changed - only the name(s) remain the same. I would never part with my PWW that was so honorably bestowed upon me.

Klondike Kate

Kate was no young kitten when she first set out for the Klondike. She had led a full life in a town so small, it was not even on the map.

Actually she had never planned on leaving the soft warm nest of straw in the big, airy barn. She thought she would always stay in the small family circle with her older brother and sister. She was not very adventurous - much preferred the feelings of safety and security that the barn provided. Besides, the first time she ventured outside her comfort zone; she almost lost her life to two vultures who quickly swooped down upon her.

After that Kate's curiosity was satisfied by exploring the deep inner realms of her own nature; and until now they provided adventures enough to keep her satisfied.

Kate had a vivid imagination which provided a rich inner life in her daytime world. And she had long ago learned how to navigate the night time world of dreams which provided all the extra adventure she could handle.

She raised her two young kittens and watched them, and their kittens after them, make their mark on life's trail.

She was putting all her efforts into preparing for the final sleep that comes to everybody when she received an invitation to take a trip to the Klondike with some pioneers. They held out the promise of fine meals served on their best china.

They had covered too many miles for her to turn back by the time she realized this was not going to be a free ride. Everything has a price even if you don't realize it at the time. By choosing one thing, you give up another.

The pioneers kept their promise of eating on fine china every night - but the meal they served up was often beans and hot dogs. But that was okay. It was not the meals or the fine china that drew her anyway. It was the mystery of the wagon wheels - turning round and round. All those spokes reaching out from the same centre to an ever expanding universe. Was it the same with people? She had to find out.

She had searched deep enough inside herself to know her own true colors. But now she hungered to know what those colors would look like when mixed with the colors of others. She had a lot of good ideas; but her intensity scared most people off before they really got to know her. Only a handful of people got through all those walls she had built around herself many years ago.

One day she stumbled onto the trail of an illusionist who covered his heavy duty path with games. These games delighted the participants so much that they were deep into the fun of playing before they realized the painful price of admission was personal growth.

But it looked like everyone was having so much fun that she wanted to be a part of it. All she had to do was lighten up. She had been wanting to do this for quite some time now anyway - had even tried it once or twice - and found she enjoyed it. And everyone seemed to enjoy her so much more as well.

So without hesitation, she cast her old identity aside and gave herself over to permanently being Klondike Kate - explorer of the outer realms.

One Day At A Time

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Be as gentle and respectful with yourself as you are with others.

Embrace your past and dance
into your future.

Life is for living.

Prayer For The Day

The light of God surrounds me,
The love of God enfolds me,
The power of God protects me,
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is; and all is well.

Back To My Self

Hello long lost Self. It's great to see you again.

I changed my blogging photo. It means that I am back in touch with myself and ready to Stand Alone - on my own two feet - and face the world.

It is interesting about the symbolism of all that wood behind me. Wood keeps showing up in my dreams as the thoughts and feelings that need to be processed for transformation to take place. As you can see - there was a ton of it. But it IS behind me.

And now back to the reality of the day this photo was taken: It was a day very early on in the friendship with my second husband. He was going to spend the day in the woods with his brother, father, and mother. I was delighted to receive an invitation to join them if I wanted.

We had a wonderful day. Keith brought along some moose meat and some vegetables; and we cooked a stew over an open fire.

After spending most of my grown-up life living and working in Toronto; this was a whole new world for me. And one I loved!

Hospital Healing On All Levels

I went in the hospital three days before Christmas. I was too sick to care; and actually it was the best place for me to be because none of my family was able to be home this year.

I was amazed at how many people took time out of their busy schedules to visit me not only on Christmas Eve Day; but also on Christmas Day itself - the kindest, most generous gifts of all. My heartfelt thanks to all of you!

The Christmas carollers came in every night - including Christmas Eve. The hospital even cooked us a Christmas dinner. Mind you, it didn't taste like it would at home but they put forth the effort - and that's what counts.

My minister taped the Christmas Eve service; and loaned me his tape player so I could listen to it. He also lent me five tapes of his favorite speaker - his mentor. That's how I spent Christmas Day listening to those tapes. And the tape of the Christmas Eve service was so beautiful that I listened to it five nights in a row before going to sleep. I think one of my favorite parts was at the end of the tape, after the service was over, with all the voices I recognized wishing one another a Merry Christmas.

The rest of my time during my hospital stay was spent reading the book my granddaughter bought for me this Christmas. She lets me choose a book that I want every Christmas; and I love it. This year I chose Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I had read somebody else's copy of this book back in the fall and wanted a copy of my own so I could read it over and over. Even though I only got halfway through it; it really helped me to put things into perspective. Recognizing when the ego has taken control once again - and getting in touch with the awareness behind the ego is a lifetime job.

I used this opportunity to work on myself at other levels, as well. My biggest complaint has been that they have places for alcoholics to go for rehabilitation. They have places for drug addicts to go for rehabilitaion. But they don't have any place for food addicts to go for rehabilitation. I very quickly made up my mind to use this as the opportunity that I have been longing for. The second day I was there, I asked them to put me on a calorie-restricted diet so I could get started doing what I was wanting to do for a long time - lose some weight and regain some of my lost mobility. They obliged by putting me on a 1500 calorie diet and I lost my first 16 pounds.

They say it takes three weeks to form a new habit. Having been there just three days short of three weeks - and having the chance to see how they would put the meals together has put me at a real advantage. It has not been a problem at all keeping it up at home.

I even learned that the diabetic counselling staff is putting on a six week program called "Changing Your Relationship With Food". I did not waste a minute signing up for it.

This is the year, folks. Nothing can hold me back now. Expect to see this rose in full bloom in the year of 2009.

Obscured Vision

Did you ever notice that what is going on in your emotional life - if not resolved - eventually shows up in your physical life.

Keep in mind that the left side of the body represents the past; and the right side of the body represents the future.

About a year after my first husband died, I tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell with all my weight going on my right knee. After that, the knee would give out on me occasionally; thereby hampering my ability to move into the future. It also caused me to rely overheavily on my left leg causing extra wear and tear on that knee.

Four years after my second husband died, I was still struggling with a part of myself that wanted to go to him - to be With him. I had a flat tire on the highway and ended up going over a forty foot embankment. I suffered a deep wound in my left leg which quickly became infected from the pieces of metal and glass that were in the wound. It took a long time to heal and left a deep scar on my leg - very symbolic of what my past had done to me internally. The accident also finished off my knees - thereby hampering my movement into the future even more.

Upon returning home from my brother's funeral in early November, I awoke to a right eye that I could barely see out of - symbolic of my increasing limited vision for the future. To prevent blindness, I have to receive laser treatments - symbolic of the extra light I need to take in to give me hope for the future.

My son and his bride of one year are delayed in their move to Ontario; and they don't get away until shortly before Christmas. My granddaughter goes out to Alberta to spend Christmas with her sister and mother. My sister goes out to her son's for Christmas. For the first time in my life, I have to spend Christmas completely alone. It is too soon after my brother's death for me to cope well with this.

I am saved from having to spend Christmas alone by having congestive heart failure; going into the hospital three days before Christmas and coming home nine days after the new year begins.

This makes three times since my second husband's death that I almost died - first a stroke - then an accident - and now this.

"Enough is enough.," I say to myself. "It's time to sh-t or get off the pot. Either die and get it over with; or pull up your socks and get on with living.

I choose the latter!

Betrayal

I don't think it is my brother's death that caused me so much grief; as the way he died.

By the time you are sixty, you have accepted death as a part of life - even though it is never easy for anyone involved.

My brother put so much trust in his doctors that he believed right to the very end that he was going to get better. He tolerated the tortuous treatment they were prescribing because he thought it meant he could go home and have a few more years with his family.

I believe those very doctors he put his faith in knew from the outset that he didn't stand a chance of recovery from the leukemia. And with one kidney recently removed, he stood very little chance of surviving the chemotherapy.

It would have been so much better all the way around if they had levelled with him. They have plenty of medication that can keep you relatively pain-free while you live out the remainder of your life with the comfort of your family.

It was the same when my husband died seven years ago. As soon as the cancer was diagnosed, he was sent to a cancer specialist who said they would start chemotherapy right away. We took it for granted this meant my husband's cancer was treatable.

The chemo caused my husband to vomit continuously to the day he died - even after the treatments were aborted because they were not helping. A month after the treatments were started, I was shown a letter this same specialist wrote to our family doctor stating, "I don't expect this to do any good, but we will give chemo a try."

My husband had a right to that information so he could make an informed decision. He may still have gone with the chemo - but at least it would have been His decision.

If we hire a lawyer for legal purposes, we expect that he will give us ALL the infomation and help us to make an informed decision. We should be able to expect the same from our medical profession.

My Brother's Passing

It is time to start working through the life experiences of the last few months. The emotions have just continued to build up until they almost buried me.

That is my way - like an old dog withdrawing from life to lick his wounds - surfacing again only when the pain has subsided to a manageable level.

My bother was aware of unnamed health problems since February. Our family only became aware of this in July when he was too ill to come home for our mother's birthday. I called him weekly after that so I could hear his voice and keep in touch with what was going on for him.

The end of September - what the doctors were calling a cyst on my brother's kidney was now being called a tumor - and they were going to have to remove one kidney. I was scared to make my weekly call after the surgery - but pushed myself and was rewarded by hearing a voice that sounded surprisingly well.

Then I had the dream: My brother and I are standing at a wide chasm in the field out behind our childhood home. I am attempting to help him cross over but it is too wide at this point. I walk closer to the house to see if I can find a spot where it might be easier to cross. I find such a spot; and turn to tell my brother. But he is already on the other side. Amazed I say to him, "How did you get over there so quickly?"

The next day, I receive the news that on his first check-up after the surgery, the doctor informed my brother that he had leukemia and he would have to go back into the hospital to begin chemotherapy.

I give thanks to God that I have learned to pay attention to what my dreams are telling me. That is the only reason I found the courage to pull myself out of the deep (safe) rut I had carved for myself - and go to my brother.

The trip terrified and overwhelmed me. Thankfully, I did not have to make the trip alone. My youngest brother drove the thousand miles that would get us there. My youngest sister and her daughter came as well. The plan was for them to stay the weekend so they could visit my brother; and then they would return home - leaving me behind to help in whatever way I could.

I let everyone else have the first day to visit my brother on their own - with my sister-in-law. I needed a day to recuperate from the trip; and also to gather my courage for the visit.

The next day, when I arrived at the hopital, my brother was sitting on the side of the bed facing the door when I came in. He had lost a lot of weight - was weak and shaky - but he pulled himself to his feet to greet me. We just stood there holding each other for a couple minutes, crying in each other's arms. Those two minutes made the whole trip worthwhile.

I got to visit with him the next two days; and then he was moved into intensive care - dying just a few short days after that.