Love

I have been away for a couple weeks; immersed in somebody else's life; attempting to minister to others in their pain. I tried to be my most loving self each step of the way - but I faltered. A couple times our differences got in the way; and it pained us both when we realized this. Part of me thought I had failed at what I had set out to do; but in hindsight I see that is not so.

I was turning the pages of my daily calendar this morning and two readings jumped out and grabbed my attention.

The first one read: "Even the best spouse or parent or child or friend can't love you with complete, unselfish love. That is available only from God."

The second one read: "Love is simply absolute commitment."

Remaining committed to your long term goal - even when your differences get in the way - even when your injured feelings surface - even when your wounds from the past are creating waves - that IS love.

Courage

Sometimes courage is nothing more than daring to go on living - alone - after having been part of a couple.

It's daring to go back out into the world, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, as you walk into an unknown future - taking all of your Self with you.

Life Is Not Over Until It's Over

The old man picked up his paintbrush that had laid there gathering dust for many years now. He found a piece of canvas that was still useable even though discolored with age.

With fingers crippled from arthritis, he painstakingly applied the paint to the empty canvas in front of him. Many hours later he stepped back to see what picture wanted to be painted so strongly that it pulled him out of his usual idle malaise.

The scene was of six sailboats being pushed across the lake by a breeze that was both playful and purposeful at the same time. White clouds gathered in the sky, contrasting sharply with the deep green of the horizon.

Where had this scene come from......A place so deep inside himself that he didn't even know it existed?

As he stood looking at the picture in wonderment, he heard a divine voice in his head asking, "Whom shall we send?"

With every fibre of his being, he cried out, "I will go! Send Me!"

Memories Are For Keeps

The present is for making new ones.......

But it is also colored by memories from my past.

These memories from my past, that live on in my heart, make me who I am today. A little more able to be and to do...........A little less able to be and to do..........

Life is a process.....birth and death......every happening has a little of each in it.

You can't force either one. Like a flower blossoming in its own time and season.....

We have to patiently live out the Moment.....dying to.....being born to.....

A Look At Love

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller


Two images came to my mind when I read these words a week or so ago. One was the image of a tough ex-marine enjoying milk and cookies with his toddler granddaughter - as shared on his blog.

The other image that came up for me was witnessed by my granddaughter - The aging alcoholic was sitting in his usual spot - the bench not far from the liquor store - waiting for it to open. A well-dressed man went up to him and, giving him a sandwich said, "You be sure to eat that before you start drinking, now, so you don't get sick."

Inner Guidance

Did you ever give your all to a project that ended successfully....and you're pleased....but tired.

And now that it is over, you realize it was only a drop in the bucket - so much more is needed. But you don't know where to go from here.

I was making the mistake, at this point, of letting my head do the thinking instead of my heart.

And I was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Good thing a friend reminded me to just "BE" in the moment. That is when you are in direct alignment with God - and only then can you expect to be guided.

On The Road Again

Do not dwell in the past.
Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind on the
present moment.

- Buddha

This is how I am living my life these days................

And I am having trouble keeping up with myself.

It is exciting. It is exhilarating. Not for one minute is it boring.

I do not stop to think, "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?" Only, "Is this what I want to be doing this moment?"

If the answer is yes, then I go for it.

I have no idea where any of it will lead me - and it doesn't matter. If I am doing what I want to be doing in the moment, then I can rest assured life will take me where I am meant to go.

Not A Caterpillar Any More

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.

"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

-Trina Paulus (Hello From Heaven)

This has been a busy week - full of Life; and a death. An exciting week - with many twists and turns. It was one of those weeks where you have no other choice but to go with the flow - no time to stop and think where anything might be leading - because you are too busy responding to Life.

And now with the weekend ahead of me, I can catch up to myself. Incorporate some of what I have experienced. Become grounded once again.

Get in touch with myself - a little bit changed by all that has been going on around me - but not so much that a lot of work has to be done to be in tune.

I feel more relaxed with Life than I ever have in the past - more comfortable with myself and with others than I can ever remember being.

It is so much fun interacting with people when you feel comfortable with yourself - and can just Be.

I have always admired (maybe even envied) people who felt comfortable with who they were. You could tell they felt at home with themselves in a way not everybody does.

I can't tell anyone how to get to that spot with themselves. I just know that I have finally made it to that spot with myself. Perhaps part of it is learning to love and accept yourself just as you are instead of holding out until you are nicer or prettier - or even more slender.

Try it; it really is worth the effort.

Attitude - Who Me?

A word of explanation to my faithful readers as to why I haven't been blogging much lately.

When I dropped the role of grieving widow this spring and rejoined the human race, I found that I was having to "feel my way" with every step I took.

Maybe part of me was waiting for the "bottom to drop out".

I think I dare to express some of what I am experiencing now that I have "my feet under me".

Yesterday a friend shared some information with me which made me realize that I really can trust the Universe (Higher Power, God). I haven't done much of that since the love of my life succumbed to cancer nearly seven years ago.

Today I was forced to acknowledge once again that "acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me - Without an attitude."

Out There

Out there
you'll see it all.
The floating ends
will meet and mend,
and you will be yourself;
your fully-formed,
though always changing,
self of selves.
Every clumsy backward look
will pay for itself.
Every tear you've cried,
or wanted to cry,
will set your broken bones.
The rips in your heart
will no longer
need to be guarded
by steel girders,
banyan trees,
or even rice paper.
Not so much as a
dragonfly's wing
will you need
to cover the bludgeoned place,
to protect the private you
you love so much
and hope to save intact
from what has seemed years
of relentless pummeling.

Go and live and love
in peace, my friend,
for surely there is love
to enfold you,
and life to be feasted upon:
your portion is boundless.
Love will be the more
you've wanted.
You will know it
when you see it.
You will love yourself
as no lover
has ever had the courage
to love;
and the warmth you've wanted
will line your pillowcases,
dance upon your windowsill,
and hide
at the ends of your socks
awaiting your toes.

-Deborah Mears

Living Simply

I have saved this for years - always aspiring to live up to it - often falling far short to parts of it. It was written by William Ellery Channing:

MY SYMPHONY

To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard, think quietly,
talk gently, act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds, to babes
and sages, with open heart;
To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely,
await occasion, hurry never;
In a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious, grow up
through the common ....
this is to be my symphony.

Rules Of Everyday Living

I was going through some papers the other day and came across the "Girl Guide Laws" that were left behind by my niece from when she stayed with me.

I couldn't help thinking how much better the world would be if we all incorporated these concepts into our "rules of everyday living":

BE HONEST AND TRUSTWORTHY

USE MY RESOURCES WISELY

RECOGNIZE AND USE MY TALENTS AND ABILITIES

PROTECT OUR COMMON ENVIRONMENT

LIVE WITH COURAGE AND STRENGTH

SHARE IN THE SISTERHOOD OF GUIDING

Everyone on board with me?

Empowerment

There is not one of us whose has not felt powerless at one time or another - both in our own lives and in witnessing the lives of others.

Wollf, over at www.howlsatmoon.blogspot.com introduced me to Irena Sendler today. What an affirmation for what one person can do to change a hopeless situation.

In researching her story a little further, I came across this quote by a rabbi (they didn't name him though and I wasn't able to track him down) but wanted to pass on these encouraging words: "For darkness to take over, it must completely fill a room. But one little flicker of light, a single lit match, can bring light to the whole room."

All of us are not called to such acts of heroism as Irena Sendler was (thank God). But let us not back down when it comes our turn to light a match in a small way - as it will, without a doubt, in each of our lives.

A Special Tribute To Dads Who Cook

Wollf left a comment on my food blog which opened the door for many wonderful memories to walk across my mind today. I had great fun reliving food experiences with my Dad.

He worked six days a week, and had a quick breakfast on these days; but on his day off (Sundays) he liked to cook. He would start out by putting coffee on to perk and then prepare himself some bacon and eggs. This tradition continued long after we all married and left home. When we vacationed at home, many of us would make sure we were up out of bed in time to have breakfast cooked for us by Dad.

After breakfast, he would throw together a batch of whole wheat rolls to serve with the roast beef he was going to cook for Sunday dinner.

Shortly before I got married, he started making clam chowder for supper on Friday nights. I was the only other person in the house who would eat clam chowder, so he would make a small batch for the two of us. For many months after I got married, I would walk back up home on Friday nights just to join him for chowder night.

In later years he started having some Saturdays off and he got into making pizza or lasagne or sweet and sour spareribs; but those memories belong to some of the younger children. I know about them but was rarely there to be a part of them.

We seem to take for granted those endless meals our mothers prepare for us while treasuring the few that our fathers prepare.

My second husband endeared himself to my grown daughter and two granddaughters by cooking them their own special pancakes every now and then shaped in their initials. They felt so loved every time he did this for them.

And until he died, Christmas mornings were special because he and my son would cook breakfast for us "womenfolk". Needless to say, it became the most special breakfast of the year.

Bet you Dads didn't realize what long-lasting memories you are creating in the kitchen.

Blossoming

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

A friend shared those words with me yesterday from her Daily Reading book. I find them beautiful; and they say exactly where I am in my journey through life.

I do not know why I spent 59 years in hiding. All I know is that I can't stay there one second longer. As challenging as I find some of those moments to be without all the props I spent my life hiding behind, it is just no longer an option.

Seeking The Sacred

I tend to avoid book studies that just want to look at books from an intellectual point of view. We can get lost in our thinking mind way too easily. I have, however, had the good fortune to be a part of two or three book studies that were well worth the time and effort that went in to them.

Right now I am part of a group that is looking at "Seeking The Sacred" (Leading a Spiritual Life in a Secular World). The chapter we were looking at this week was written by Marion Woodman and the question that raised the most discussion was "What do you think the difference is between spirit and soul?"

It did not take us long to be completely bogged down as each of our thinking minds took us down mind-boggling paths that were increasingly complicated, complex and confusing. After I gave up trying to think of an answer for what each of these words means to me - with my thinking mind(Egoic) out of the way - my nonthinking (Creative) mind was then freed up to give me an image for the soul. And what came to me, interestingly enough, was a kernel of corn inside of an onion. From the moment of conception, each negative or unloving life experience adds another layer to the onion. Each loving or compassionate life experience takes away a layer of the onion.

My dream that night gave me a working image of the spirit - an abandoned vehicle. While the soul does not leave the body until death - the spirit, which is energy, can choose to abandon the body (where the heart resides) and live in the head (mind). Furthermore, we can be unaware that we have done this. Or becoming aware, we are not sure how to reverse it.

Anyone else want to take on this challenge and enlighten me further?

Connection

We came together at a book study - knowing each other only well enough to say "hello" to.

We had each walked very different paths up until then.

She was very Conscious, Aware, Responsible and Effective in the outside world.

I was very Conscious, Aware, Responsible and Effective in my inner world.

I had just reached the point in my life's journey where I was willing to see what I could do in the outside world - coming fully from Self rather than under the guise of all the different roles I had played in my lifetime.

I got the impression from different things she said that she was at the point in her life journey where she thinking of exploring her inner world a little more deeply.

Present one to the other - two very seemingly different people - not so different after all - just coming at life from different directions.

That momentary connection was powerful. Stimulating. Life-giving.

Being Present to the moment is not something we give a lot of thought or awareness to until someone like Eckhart Tolle comes along reminding you of the importance of being Present.

Sometimes we are enjoying the moment so much that we are fully Present to it. Other times we only half give ourselves to the moment - being occupied with other thoughts that are consuming us.

My memories are taking me back to many familiar moments. Interesting that even now, after all these years, I can pinpoint which ones I was fully Present to and which ones were marred by my unavailability. Moments I wish I could do over and be Present to. That not being possible, all I can do is focus on not letting any more opportunities for Connection pass me by.

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway

I have started over so many times in my life - in one way or another. And each time I started over, I had to deal with that element of fear.

Where does that fear come from? What's behind it? Do I really need to know?

Or do I just need to feel the fear - and do it anyway!

Solitude In Community

Henri Nouwen wrote some interesting words on Community that helped me to realize why my expectations of Community were never met. My expectations were faulty - they were never meant to be realized. It is better that they were never met. It made me dig deeper inside myself - where the solution lay waiting to be found.

"Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community."

Excerpt from "Bread For The Journey".

Living Life Abundantly

Today was a beautiful day for me.

I found myself facing the world with a heart that was open and receptive. It has been a long time since I felt capable of doing that to the degree that I did today. And I enjoyed myself immensely.

We are called to keep that inner spark alive as we step out in faith - trusting that we will be given the inner resources to handle whatever life puts in our path.

It felt good to finally be able to do that once again.

Designer Lives

When we were in town today, we saw one of those "bumblebee yellow" bronco-type vehicles. I said to my granddaughter, "If I were young, beautiful, and rich, I would buy one of those cars." But I know that I wouldn't have. Even if I was young, beautiful, and rich. Those vehicles just don't fit who I am; or ever was. They stand out so much from other vehicles that I think you would have to be pretty comfortable with yourself to drive one. Maybe that is why I am always so fascinated with those vehicles; and with the people who drive them.

If I was young and naive once again - not realizing that you have to work with what you have inside you, I may have tried to change myself to fit the car - but I doubt it.

It was always those inner qualities that I wanted bad enough to try to force myself into believing they were a part of me before I actually had the chance to grow into them.

I didn't realize that, for most of us, those qualities come only with age and lots of painful lessons. It's not like going to Sears and choosing this one, that one, and another one to go with it.

It takes a long time, a lot of effort, and a willingness to be patient. A lot of waiting goes into birthing any quality worth having - and there is a price to be paid each step of the way - a sacrifice that has to be made. It is not as easy as fishing a few coins out of our pocket and being done with it.

Now I am content to be who I am. It feels good to finally be at peace with the face I see in the mirror. I don't want to make any more sacrifices in hopes of becoming a better person. For today, I am choosing to keep what little I have left and leave the designing to braver or more foolhardy souls.

The Birthing Process

Henri Nouwen writes that "patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are".

That is not always easy for us to do because sometimes the here and now is a very painful place to be. The last thing we want to do is to live it fully.

We want to move on from here - quickly! To be any place else but here. And if we can't do that, then we want to dull our senses - distract ourselves from the pain that feels too big to bear.

"We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else......Trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."

I discovered the truth of this statement when I started being present to myself in the moment - even though I wanted the moment to be very different from what it was. I just opened myself up to it anyway - accepted my life situation as it was this very moment - instead of needing it to be different. I accepted myself as I was this very moment - not needing me to be different. And THEN, the moment I did that, my life changed. I changed.

All I had to do was stop trying to run into the future - stop running from who my past carved me out to be - and LIVE being the treasure I didn't even know I was - in spite of all my wounds. Wounds that made me feel different in a "not okay" way - not realizing that it is these very wounds that make each of us special in our own way.

Our own unique gift that each of us bring into the world to share with others is waiting to be born through these "birthing pains" that we are so busy trying to run away from.

Be Still. A great Self is about to be born. Soon. And all you need to do is be present to the metamorphosis that is completely beyond your control. Your resistance will only slow it down.

The pain is only temporary - a natural part of the birthing process.

And as with any birth, once you are holding this new Self in your arms, you will be so delighted that you will forget every painful moment it took to get you here.

A Touch Of Joy - A Touch Of Sorrow

"Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we're overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy." - Henri Nouwen

Today has been a joyful day. My husband would have loved being a part of it.

To help me choose recipes for the cookbook I'm working on, I had my bible study group come for a pancake breakfast. I made the toppings yesterday - strawberry and blueberry.

The minister manned the griddle and cooked the bacon and the pancakes for us - regular, buttermilk, and pumpkin.

I baked apples in maple syrup to go with the pumpkin pancakes; and we finished off with a taste of pumpkin custard.

What a tremendous way to start off our day and our bible study.

I'm glad that I have healed enough to be able to enjoy these wonderful high moments of life once again; without having to suffer the terrible lows that immediately follow them earlier on in the grief process.

Today I Get On With Living

I feel like I am just coming awake after a long sleep. The sun is shining in the blue sky. The green grass has come alive under the little robins' feet as they search for food. Spring is certainly in the air.

This morning, while going through some papers, I was moved to tears (healing ones) once again by these words from Jan Suberman:

Forgive me
if you, my beloved,
my love, have died.

All the leaves
will fall on my breasts.

It will rain on my soul,
all day, all night.

My feet will want to march
to where you are sleeping.

But I must go on living.

Life On Our Planet

Today I am realizing that the most important thing in the world for each of us is to find a way to express all the love that is uniquely ours to give.

It will be expressed in different guises throughout our lifetime. And some of the ways we find to express it, we will be better at than other ways.

Our expressions of love will not always be recognized by others for what they are - feeble or misguided attempts to express our love.

Sometimes the love we have to give will probably be expressed in some pretty warped ways as we try to find our way back to sanity.

We all have our wounded areas that interfere with our abilities to freely express the love we came into this world with; but these imperfections are what make each of us the special people that we are capable of becoming.

On The Move

I was living in Toronto when my children started kindergarten and I had to start crossing the busy streets without a hand to hold. That was when I learned how dependent I had become on those little hands in mine. I felt so vulnernable as I walked alone.

It seems to me today, as I reflect on that memory, it has been the pattern of my life. Over and over again, I was forced to learn how to stand on my own two feet - walk on my own two legs - without a hand to hold onto.

It's always scarey at first - best to take small steps just starting out. That way it is not so overwhelming. And before long, you remember how to do it; and next thing you know, you are trying to catch up to yourself.

Six Word Memoir Meme

I have been tagged by www.lindasog.com to define myself in six words. I have been giving thought to it all weekend, and though I came up with some that fit for the moment, they didn't fit for the majority of the time.

I actually came up with two that I seem to spend my life bouncing back and forth between. Sometimes I am LOST IN FEARS/INSECURITIES ONCE AGAIN and sometimes I pull myself together and then I am STILL STUMBLING ALONG GRATEFUL TO SERVE.

I am going to have to default on the second half of this tag, though. The only person I can think to harass is www.howlsatmoon.blogspot.com - He brought it on himself by rattling my cage and telling me to "get at it".

Let The Love Flow

I remember reading someplace once that you should not hate your addiction. It is your doorway to God.

At that time, I really could not understand what they were talking about. But I guess I must have filed it away somewhere so it could resurface once I grew to the point where I had experienced a little bit of that truth for myself.

Whenever I fought my addiction, it just grew stronger - gaining another foothold on my soul.

Finally, I surrendered to it. "I don't have any more time to waste fighting you," I said to my addiction. "I am going to live my life in spite of you."

And that is when I found out that my addiction was hiding a gift of hospitality that comes natural to me. An awareness of, and a respect for, what happens when people break their fast (end their isolation) and come together over food. An enjoyment of one another. A reaching out towards one another. All that I hungered for was there all along. I just didn't recognize it because I was being distracted by the fight that was going on inside me.

God was there all along - right in the midst of things - telling me to chill out. Relax and let the love flow. Let go of those reins of control. The love energy is too strong to be controlled by human hands. It just requires an act of surrender on your part/my part.

We recognize the strength of that energy. We know that we can not control where it will take us. Funny when I think of it - because no matter where it takes us, it has to be better than where we are at. Control never takes us anywhere worth being. Surrender to any level of love seems to take an act of courage on our part. Is it a fear of heights that hold us back - because that is where love always takes us - to unimagined heights - new levels of awareness.

Silver Lining

We have all heard it said that every cloud has a silver lining.

I am now realizing the silver lining that came with my car accident.

Because of the mobility problems the accident left me with, I now feel justified in giving myself permission to go into semi-hibernation during the winter months.

Besides no longer having to go out in below zero temperatures, this has given me the opportunity to get in touch with a deeper part of myself - a part that can now go out into the world and interact with it very differently than I did before the accident.

Today was a town day and I was very much in touch with this new part of me; and the excitement that it was feeling. I was seeing with new eyes and feeling with new senses; and it WAS exciting. The whole experience felt good.

An ordinary person doing ordinary things; and enjoying it.

A Quote From Lin-Chi

Just be ordinary and nothing special....Put on your clothes and eat your food.

When you're tired, go and lie down.

Ignorant people will laugh at you, but the wise will understand.

Oprah.com

I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'm not usually one to jump on the bandwagon. I avoid them like the plague.

And I never thought I would become a member of http://www.oprah.com/ even though she has a lot of good things going on - it just never was my cup of tea.

But after reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth, I decided that I wanted to listen to the interview. I wasn't disappointed. In fact, I would recommend listening to the interviews even if you don't plan on reading the book. If you are ready for it, what he is saying will change your life.

They had some technical problems with the video for chapter one, so you are better off with the audio for that one interview.

If you check it out, get ready to kiss a lot of your problems goodbye. Some of them just won't matter so much any more.

Going Beyond The Ego

A friend loaned me a book to read. I can't believe my good fortune - she even asked me to highlight, underline, and mark it up for her. You would think it couldn't get any better than that EXCEPT it is just exactly what I need to read right now to move me forward a couple steps in the right direction.

The loaner turned out to be Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth - Awakening To Your Life's Purpose". It is all about the ego and our over-identification with our thoughts. This is where I am at in the book:

"Although body-identification is one of the most basic forms of ego, it is also the one that you can most easily go beyond. This is done not by trying to convince yourself that you are not your body, but by shifting your attention from the external form of your body and FROM THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR BODY - to the feeling of aliveness inside it. No matter what your body's appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form it is an intensely alive energy field."

But, it gets even better. He goes on to give an exercise that is EXTREMELY EASY TO DO which will increase your "inner body" awareness.

"Close your eyes for a moment and find out if there is life inside your hands....become aware of the subtle feeling of aliveness inside them.....If you hold your attention in your hands for a while, the sense of aliveness will intensify....Then go to your feet, keep your attention there for a minute or so, and begin to feel your hands and feet at the same time. Then incorporate other parts of the body - legs, arms, abdomen, chest, and so on - until you are aware of the inner body as a global sense of aliveness....Make it a habit to feel the inner body as often as you can...When you are in touch with the inner body, you are not identified with the body anymore, nor are you identified with the mind. This is to say, you are no longer identified with form but moving away from form-identification toward formlessness, which we may also call Being. It is your essence identity. Body awareness not only anchors you in the present moment, it is a doorway out of the prison that is the ego.

EASTER

It is Easter weekend! The time of rebirth and renewal.

There is a lot going on for us this weekend. My daughter has made it home from Alberta for a visit. Her daughters are just Delighted to have their mother home for awhile.

The oldest granddaughter is graduating from university this spring; so we will be celebrating that achievement, as well, while her mother is here to take part in the celebration.

They have all taken off to Bangor, Maine on a major shopping trip. Exciting stuff! I am content to stay home and catch up to myself. My blogs are showing signs of neglect while I have been busy "making merry" one way or another. As Martha Stewart would say, "That is a good thing." It is not always something I knew how to do.

It feels good to have all my inner issues dealt with to the point where I am not bogged down with head stuff. I finally feel free to pursue the things that interest me. I am slowed down a little, perhaps, by some body limitations - but I am still a whole lot freer than when it was my inner demons holding me back.

Life is good! Thanks to all of you who were a contributing factor in helping it to become so! I hope you have a good Easter!

The Flight Of The Mourning Dove

I was given my first native name by a blogging friend I never met."Paints With Words" is what he named me in response to my style of writing. I took that as a great compliment.

After reaching a new level of recovery through my blogging efforts, I was awarded another native name in my dreams. Now, I get a lot of help and guidance from my dreams - have been for the last twenty-eight years. So, I pay close attention to any information that comes to me through my dreams. "Mourning Dove" is the new name I have been given - and I was told to spell it with a "u" in Mourning.

That dream came about a month ago. A lot has happened in that time. And I am beginning to understand why that name fits the direction that is presenting itself to me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life in mourning. It began before I was even old enough to know what I was mourning for. Maybe I will never know. It's no longer important for me to know.

All I know is this. A couple weeks ago, I realized that I needed to start a blog about food. And the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. It was through a blog that I worked out all that was left to work out with my first husband.

It was through this blog that I reached the point where I was finally able to let go of my second husband who has been dead for 6 1/2 years. It only makes sense to me that if I wish to form a new relationship with food, a blog is the most effective place for me to do it.

When I delved further into how I wanted to do my food blog, I realized that I actually needed two blogs. One for the food that I was attempting to let go of; and another blog for the healthier food that I making a part of my everyday world now.

If you are interested in checking them out, here are the links:

www.buddingrose4u.wordpress.com is called Cooking From Scratch where I am posting my family's favorites - some from more than one generation of food lovers.

www.gramskitchen.wordpress.com is called Good4uFood where I am posting the new healthier recipes as I find them and try them; along with any helpful tips I come across.

I am very excited by this new adventure in my life. It is So Right on more levels than I can even mention at this point - but I am sure that I will do so over time.

You know how things, once they are started, take on a life of their own; and take you with them. I already feel that happening in the short bit of time that I have been doing this.

One Day At A Time - One Step At A Time

So often we only have enough light for the next step, but you know what, for today that is enough.

Looks like I am back to trusting the process. I have been a long time making my way back to this position of trust. It feels good to be back here again.

Physically, for the moment, I'm probably on a rockier road than I have ever been. It would be easy to let the fear for my future overwhelm me. But this is the first time in my life that I have total confidence and joy in the work that I am doing. I do not want to rob myself of one minute of it.

Therefore, I will put my all into what I am doing today; and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Letting Go Takes Love

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Remember: The time to love is short.

- Author Unknown


Many times Death has forced me to let go of somebody I love; and it is never easy.

But Life has also forced me many times to learn to let go of the people I care about; and that is even harder.

Here's Me Giving A Kiss Goodbye And Letting Go

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."

- Joseph Campbell

This is the first picture taken of us together. We didn't call it a date - that would have terrified both of us. We were just friends going to a dance together.

This is the picture I still carry in my heart, I suppose - the one I have been refusing to let go of. The picture I refuse to give up on even though he has been dead for six and a half years.

Well, the time has come. I need to let go. Let go of all the hopes, the dreams, the possibilities that exist in this picture.

I do not know what life holds for me now but I refuse to live it tied to the past any longer. One step at a time, one day at a time, I will make myself available to what IS. It is time to stop being half of somebody else and just be ME.

Gentleness, Anybody?

Last night gentleness was heavy on my mind. Does that make sense? If you knew me, it would.

Nothing is ever a light matter for me. If I give thought to something - I give it heavy thought- even if the subject is gentleness.

In the second half of my life, I have felt strongly drawn to gentle people. It is like a magnetic force that I can not resist. Does anyone else realize how rare these people are? And I find myself wondering why they are so rare. Perhaps it takes great courage to be gentle. Anyone else have any thoughts on this subject?

If anyone had asked me in my younger days, I would have said that gentleness was just not a part of my makeup. But I know that is not true. I have experienced gentleness being called forth from me; and felt myself responding wholeheartedly. My second husband brought that part of me to life. Vulnerable people always bring out the gentleness in me. Perhaps because there is no need for me to protect myself from them?

I am also fully aware of where gentleness is called for but I am incapable of responding in that way. It has happened all too often the last three years since my niece has been with me. I know the situation calls for a gentle approach, and I painfully want to respond with the required gentleness; but the anxiety I am feeling inside is too strong. It overpowers all other emotions and demands to come first. It simply refuses to be denied. And the gentle response that so wishes to be spoken is swiftly killed by the nazi stormtrooper I sorely wish belonged to anybody else - not me. Please God - not me.

The Gift Of Friendship

I was moved by Henri Nouwen's words in "Bread For The Journey" on the gift of friendship:

"Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and it can be even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love."

Happy Valentine's Day

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

- Albert Camus


I have loved those words since the first time I saw them.

The first time ever I saw your face...............

I know, I'm rambling. I'm allowed to - I'm a rose.

It was many years ago - I saw those words on a little card. They expressed exactly what I was feeling for the man who would come to mean so much to me over time.

My sister and I were very close back then. To say she was surprised when we told her we were getting married would be the understatement of the year.

She said, "But I thought you were only friends." To which I replied, "Well, if you can't marry a friend, who can you marry?"

It was our friendship that sustained us through the marriage - the good times and the bad. We always had our friendship to fall back on when the going got rough. Being friends with one another kept the lines of communication open when a wrinkle would appear in the relationship. Being courteous to each other during those "wrinkly periods" bought us time. Then when we both were ready, we could calmly discuss the issue that was coming between us.

He's gone now; but many good memories remain. And I still celebrate Valentine's Day with whoever is in my world on that day. It's a day that you are not obligated to give anybody anything - it's just a whole lot of fun if you do. And it doesn't have to be much to be appreciated - a card, a piece of chocolate, flowers, whatever feels right....

I made a peanut butter pie to share with the young people. My granddaughter bought me some carnations. My niece made us each a valentine. And we got together for supper along with my granddaughter's boyfriend.

It was fun for all of us.

If you can't be with the one you love; express love to the people you're with - in whatever way is appropriate.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

The Fire In Our Belly

Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the SON'S love
in the spring
becomes the Rose.

Adaptation of Bette Midler's song "The Rose"


Spirituality is not about choosing certain spiritual activities like going to church, praying or meditating, reading spiritual books, or setting off on some explicit spiritual quest. It is far more basic than that. Long before we do anything explicitly religious at all, we have to do something about the fire that burns within us. What we do with that fire, how we channel it, is our spirituality. Thus we all have a spirituality whether we want one or not, whether we are religious or not.

Spirituality is more about whether or not we can sleep at night than about whether or not we go to church. It is about being integrated or falling apart, about being within community or being lonely, about being in harmony with Mother Earth or being alienated from her.

Irrespective of whether or not we let ourselves be consciously shaped by any explicit religious idea, we act in ways that leave us either healthy or unhealthy, loving or bitter. What shapes our actions is our spirituality.

And what shapes our actions is basically what shapes our desire. Desire makes us act and when we act what we do will either lead to greater integration or disintegration within our personalities, minds, and bodies - and to the strengthening or deterioration of our relationship to God, others, and the cosmic world.

Ronald Rolheiser, The Holy Longing, The Search For A Christian Spirituality


SPIRITUAL COMMUNITY:

"It is because one antelope will blow the dust from the other's eye that the two antelopes walk together." - African Proverb

Blossoming

My first husband died when our children were entering their teens.

He was a troubled man. I was very introverted and agonizingly shy when we first started going together in my teens.

My favorite memory of him as a husband is when we watched tv together. He would lay with his head at one end of the couch and I would lay my head at the other end of the couch. Our legs would be intertwined as we enoyed whatever show we were watching together. Our children would be watching tv along with us, or coming and going with their friends. The dog was in the center of it all.

He got jealous whenever I shared a laugh with somebody else. I found that strange once I realized it was happening.

I understand now.

I became way too serious after he died. Life was easier in so many ways; but the responsibility was all mine...

Then I met my second husband...A man who liked to chase rainbows...I had never seen a man Play before. I was smitten.

He had a voice so gentle that when he spoke, it washed all the tension out of my shoulders.

I loved to call him on the phone. He had this way of answering the phone that made me fall in love with him all over again - even after seventeen years.

In the early days of our relationship, he ran away from his feelings for me. And he would leave my world for awhile. It always felt like he took the sunshine with him; and I would be left with my over-serious self.

I would throw myself into living life without him; and eventually he would return.

We built a good life together - a life that respected who we were as individuals. We never put pressure on each other to be anything other than what we were. We just enjoyed one another.

And because we gave each other so much space to be who we were, we each Blossomed.

He learned to become a little more responsible. And I learned to chase a few rainbows - and Play a little.

Footprints

This blog traces my footsteps.......

...from being a Fan of Life to becoming an active Participant in Life.

...from a begrudging self-acceptance to an enjoyment of Self.

...from a tendency to beat up on my self to affirming and encouraging my Self.

...from grief to Joy.

And this is only the Beginning.

Part of this growth has come from getting in touch with my Self each day; and finding words to express what I find there in this public arena. But the other part comes from the graciousness of fellow bloggers who have been kind enough to leave THEIR footprints on my blog and on my heart.

We are not meant to live in isolation; we are not programmed that way.

Living in community with one another enables each of us to do what none of us could accomplish on our own.

A Hole In My Life

A couple years after my husband died, I had a dream where I was showing the master carpenter the large hole in my living room wall; telling him something needed to be done about it.

I believe this dream marks the turning point where at least one part of me was ready to do something about the hole left in my life by my husband's death.

But now I realize that I was going about it backwards - trying to put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

I kept trying to put my kitchen in order so I could move on to the living room - meaning I kept trying to get my food under control before becoming a more active participant in life.

I didn't realize until now, after finding the courage to be a Player In life instead of a Fan Of life, that my problems with food will not diminish until I begin doing all the things I have held myself back from doing.

About six months ago, I found the courage to come out of hiding and show who I am. It is time now to take the next step - out into the visible world with my true colors showing for all to see.

Wish me luck!

An Unexpected Smile In January

Thursday was a typical day in January... a little on the cold side... but the sun was shining; so it was a good day to go to town...get some groceries...do some errands...get some gas....

The old guy that used to pump my gas retired a couple months ago and I miss him. I enjoyed the little conversations we had. He loved "making conversation" - you could tell.

The fellow that took over for him was a growly fellow; he always approached the car with a scowl and never exchanged a word of conversation.

I pulled in by the pumps, rolled down my window, and turned off the ignition. Steeling myself for the scowl I was expecting, I turned my head and coming toward me was someone I had not met yet.

He wore a smile that spread from ear to ear - a smile that made you glad you were alive to receive it.

What a difference a smile can make in a person's day. It seems to put you back in touch with everything that is worth living for - whether you know the smiling person or not. I am still carrying that man's smile in my heart 48 hours later.

I AM GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE.

I AM GRATEFUL TO BE.

I AM GRATEFUL.....

Six years ago when my husband died, I had to fight for the will to go on. Three and a half years went by; and I was still struggling. More of me wanted to leave here than stay. My family was all grown. Even my grandchildren were busy with the lives they were building for themselves. I didn't feel needed anymore. I hadn't learned yet that is not the only reason for living.

One sunny day in spring, as I was giving my granddaughter a drive back to the university she was attending, I got a flat tire while driving at highway speed. By the time I regained control of the car, we were on the wrong side of the highway in the path of a transport truck. I figured we stood a better chance with the 40-foot embankment.

They needed the jaws-of-life to get me out of the car. My grandaughter was not injured - I thank God daily for that. I would not want to leave a legacy like that behind. If it were not for my granddaughter, I would never have got out of that car. Nobody would have known where I had disappeared to even. How terrible that would have been for my family - the not knowing. My grandaughter was so brave that day. She climbed out the back window of the car; and scaled the embankment in her bare feet to get help (her sandals had come off in the accident).

That accident gave me so much to be grateful for. My granddaughter's life. My life. My injuries could have been so much worse. I have had to fight to regain my mobility after that accident - and it may never be what it was before the accident. But it gave me back my life...............

And for that, I am grateful.

Warts And All

The earth angel I wrote about in my last post is the reason I now show myself to the world...after a lifetime of hiding.

It has not been easy for me to do this - especially in the beginning. But the rewards have been many - a new community of friends......accompanying me into deeper regions of myself..... encouraging me not to give up on myself...giving me external validation until I was more capable of giving myself the internal validation I lacked....had to learn how to give myself.

Now when I catch myself wanting to hide, I remind myself how that never did work for me....doesn't work for anybody. Now I own all of me - warts and all.

And strangely enough the things I considered pathological in myself, and in need of being changed, I am now recognizing as gifts my Creator blessed me with. Now I just have to learn how to work WITH these gifts instead of against them.

Earth Angel

I am proud to call her friend.

She is the person who helped me find my voice; and the courage to use it to express my truth.

Every day that goes by, she is an inspiration to me.

At the age of 88, she is an active member of Kairos and of her church. She is also an active member in her community at large.......Always has her eye turned to what little bit of good she can do to make the world a better place.

She was a teacher in her day - still is. She has been gifted with the abilty to see the gifts of others; and with the ability to encourage people to use their gifts.

At 81 years of age, she went on a mission to Africa for two weeks. When personal fears hold me back from broadening my horizons, I think of her and push myself beyond my comfort zone.

Not a day goes by that somebody isn't motivated to push themselves a little further by watching this woman accomplish so much.....so effortlessly.....smiling and laughing the whole way.

Yes, it is a picture of her in my mind that brings me back out of my annual January wallowing, ready to face the world and do my small bit toward finding a better way - even if it is only done from the confines of my home during the second winter of partial hibernation.

Making A Statement

My friend Wollf got me thinking about honor and integrity yesterday. You would think they are one and the same thing....and they are...in a way.

But for me it kept wanting to be written from a feeling level as a woman of integrity/a man of honor. Why? I don't know.

I couldn't write a post yesterday because I could tell something was wanting to surface....from deep in the bowels........but wasn't quite ready for words. I've been in touch with angry feelings for the last couple weeks....at no particular thing....at everything....at nothing...I didn't know.

Today I am presented with this from deep inside myself:


Man In Black by Johnny Cash

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town.
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.

I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought to be a Man in Black.

I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man in Black.

I'M THE WOMAN IN PHAT!

Principles & Virtues Worth Living By

I received this today in my email from a friend.

Principles & Virtues Worth Living By:

1. HONESTY

2. HOPE

3. FAITH

4. COURAGE

5. INTEGRITY

6. WILLINGNESS

7. HUMILITY

8. BROTHERLY LOVE

9. JUSTICE

10. PERSEVERANCE

11. SPIRITUALITY

12. SERVICE

If you are interested in a little more history on these principles, check out the following site:

http://www.barefootsworld.net/

You won't be sorry you did.

...And I Believe In God

Years ago when I made my first journey to my inner depths, I went to a retreat where a nun took part in facilitating that experience.

She was the first (and only) person to tell me that it is okay to feel angry with God; and it is okay to express that anger to him.

A strange message to the ears of a person who was raised Catholic; and who grew up in a family where anger or any other strong emotion was not acceptable.

I understand, at a deeper level now, why it is okay to feel and express that anger to God - because lying buried beneath that anger is the gentleness of Love longing to see the light of day - longing to be experienced and expressed to others.

That same nun wrote these words I wish to share with you today:

I believe in giggling little children, their bright shining eyes, and their busy little hands, and their zest for knowledge...I believe in old people, with their half closed eyes, stooped over bodies, wrinkled idle hands, and their knowledge...and I believe in God.

I believe in the awakening of each sunny day, the green fields, the sound of singing birds, the smell of flowers, a bubbling brook, and the beginning of life...I also believe in cold damp days, the color of gray, the stillness in the air, the smell of nothingness, and the beginning of another life...and I believe in God.

I believe in bushy haired people, with black shining skin, the distant look in their eyes, and the cry of hope in their songs...I believe in red, white,brown, yellow...and in rainbows...and I believe in God.

I believe in listening to the sounds of laughter, a muffled cry, and of silence...and I believe if my ears are deaf to these sounds, they are still to be heard...and I believe in God.

I believe in praying in times of joy and laughter, in times of sorrow, pain, loneliness, and silence...and in being held, laughed with, cried with...and just being with...and I believe in God.

I believe in loving, to reach out and embrace the world and its creatures...and I believe that I am loved, that I am very precious and dear to someone...and I believe in God.

Sister Hilda Blade

And for those of you who read my other blog, "No, I am not going senile. I did not forget posting this about six months ago over there. But I am feeling these words at a deeper level of my being; and I want them over here with me - where I am - if that makes any sense."

And I also feel compelled to add these words to the lovely ones written by Sister Blade:

And I believe in teenagers, even when they are pushing all my buttons, even while I am responding with all the fury of Hades...and I believe God understands and loves me and them just the same.

Prayer Request

I received this in my email this morning. I tried to publish the entire email as written but couldn't manage to do it.

I was finally able to download one of the pictures that accompanied the email and this is the prayer request that came with it:

Life in Iraq and Afghanistan is very difficult to bear right now.

Our troops need our prayers for strength, endurance, safety.

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us. Amen."

Of all the gifts you could give a Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best.

Akiane

Yesterday the path that I was exploring introduced me to Akiane - a child prodigy, artist, and poet. She is considered an Indigo Child - a term that was new to me.

I really wanted to share her with you but my computer security systems combined with my lack of expertise would not allow me to download the video.

The best I can do is provide you with the address to check out if you are so inclined:

www.video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6353938388814614154

She blows my mind with her gift.

Around The Bog

Some of the pieces were starting to fall into place now - at least a few.

She understood why it was the autumn angel that came to accompany her on this part of the journey. Autumn is the power time of the moose.

It was about fourteen years ago that the moose first spoke to her. She saw him standing in that marsh a short distance from the mountain. That was when she realized, that despite his awkward beauty, he was the animal that resonated God's name for her.

She didn't see him again until three years ago - even though she kept her eyes open for him - hungered for the sight of him.

Even then, she didn't see him. She just felt his frustrated bull moose energy coming up from deep inside of her. She didn't like that feeling - wanted to escape that feeling - but there was no escape. Just tolerance. A learning to live with. Then finally the beginnings of a gentle acceptance.

Then out of the blue, a baby moose - wearing his buckskin muk-a-luks jumped into her arms and asked to come home with her. He asked if he could live with her for the rest of her days. She held him close to her - feeling his softness and his substance - all at the same time.

This is what she had spent her life looking for - longing for.

And now the old nun that despaired when her mind could not find the love she had once known;
found new joy as the baby moose showed her she was looking in the wrong place. The love hadn't left her - it had settled in her heart.

Life's Mystery

The old nun had lived by the rules her whole life. In fact, she strongly enforced them on herself and everybody else she came in contact with.

Rules that were never questioned - just enforced.

Beliefs that were never looked at - just lived.

The Love forced upon her by the young native girl and her cowboy friend circled round and round inside her brain - like a dog looking for a comfortable place to lay.

Finding none, he went looking elsewhere.

In her despair, she traded her black habit in for a royal purple one that fit much better and contained more of life's Mystery.

A Balanced Person

I had the mistaken notion that being "balanced" was always being "even-keeled".

For a person of extremes, like myself, that is next to impossible.

I am much more hopeful of "finding the balance" between extremes with someone else's definition of a balanced person being one who can move back and forth effectively between the two.

Life Without Answers

By the time I was twelve years old, you couldn't tell me anything. I already knew it all. Or so I thought.........

When I turned forty, I noticed that I knew less and less with each coming year.

Now that I am approaching sixty, I seem to be living my life more open-ended than ever. Gone is the need for answers that never proved to hold all the truth anyway. Gone is the need to believe that I know more than I do.

I am content to walk in faith - taking one step at a time - often with just enough light for the step that I am taking.

Hindsight has so often proved that I took the wisest steps for completely different reasons than I thought I was anyway.

Life's Purpose

She was in her late nineties when I first met her. She walked with a walker - just needed you to walk behind her in case she lost her balance.

She had been a nurse in her working day. She and her husband had a very special relationship from the sounds of things; they never had any children. It was just the two of them.

She spent her early nineties taking care of him after he got Alzheimer's. She was able to keep him home until a week before he died - with pneumonia.

She was ready to go, too, when I met her. She couldn't figure out why she was still here. There was no purpose to her life that she could see.

But I see it different. There were three of us providing round-the-clock care for her. Three of us who were forever changed just from knowing her - just from getting to be in her world everyday.

Life isn't always full of busy-ness and hectic schedules. Part of everybody's life - if they live long enough will be full of days where nobody needs you - maybe even days where nobody even remembers that you are alive.

But as long as you are drawing breath, there is purpose to your life - even if you or nobody else knows what it is.

She was the most well-adjusted person I ever knew; and there's hardly a day goes by when I don't think about her for one reason or another - ten years later. Yes, she had grown tired of living without the man she loved; but she only shared that with you in a moment of confidence. She couldn't figure out why she was still here - another shared confidence.

Mostly she put all of herself into doing her best at whatever things she was still capable of doing. Her mobility was limited but she still read a lot of books, enjoyed watching certain television shows, and was willing to discuss anything sensibly and without judgement - no matter how controversial. And I will always remember how she was with anybody who came to visit her. She turned television off immediately and gave them her Undivided Attention - asking them questions about their life and listening - Really Listening to their answers.

Her life definitely had purpose - even if she didn't know what it was. And the purpose was probably different from day to day - moment to moment. But those last few years when she thought she was doing nothing worthwhile, she was teaching me and a couple other women how to grow old gracefully - how to get the most out of life when there doesn't seem to be any more to get - and how a conversation "should" take place between two people.

My life has been much richer ever since I had her in it. Anything I cope with "gracefully" today is because of her. Even surviving the loss of my husband; and rebuilding a life without him is partly because of her showing me it can be done. She's a part of every Real conversation I have.

More often than not, we have no knowledge of touching people the way she touched me, teaching people the way she taught me. We just have to accept (on faith) the fact that if we are still breathing, there is Purpose - and even if we don't know what it is - we should give it our best.

The Monk

He was austere in his piety, formidable in his girth, and above reproach in his actions - except for his forcefulness which he often used to beat spiritual truths into people's heads.

He could never understand why they all preferred to roll in the clover, dance among the daisies, or sleep around the clock.

Then, one day, he came upon some children playing by the brook. One boy was optimistically fishing for trout that didn't live there. Another boy was building a beautiful castle that tomorrow's rain would wash away. And the littlest one - a girl - was pouring tea for them from an empty teapot.

As he stood and watched, he remembered...... Innocence......Wonder......Awe.

He then remembered what it felt like to be truly alive.

And he walked home - a changed man.

Swamp Angel

A few years ago, I stumbled across this children's book written by Anne Isaacs "Swamp Angel". It is about a Paul Bunyan type girl who single-handedly saves the settlers from a fearsome bear known as Thundering Tarnation.

Now any girl whose childhood hero was Mighty Mouse would not be able to resist such a book - and sure enough, the story lived up to my expectations - but the book itself is defective.

The second half of the book was put in upside down. It has created quite a quandary for me from the day I got it home. I keep wanting to get rid of the book because it is defective. But then I decide to read it one more time before parting with it. And, once again, I enjoy the story too much to part with the book.

Actually, when I think about that book and compare it with my life, the lesson it brings home by being defective makes it all the more valuable to me.

I look back over my life, remembering all my feeble attempts to "save the day" which failed miserably. I think of my more feeble attempts to save people from themselves which failed even more miserably. I ponder my hard-nosed attempts to force change on myself - which rates up there with "what I failed most horribly at".

So, it is very interesting to me that when I finally accepted my defectiveness, life as I know it became more beautiful. I find it odd that when somebody else authentically shows their defectiveness to me, I feel humbled and honored.

My mind now takes me back to a time when I loved a man unconditionally; and my inner world was filled with the delight known only to infants. And that memory encourages me to take another step closer towards loving myself - or at least accepting myself - defective as I am - even though my actions and attitudes make me feel less than loveable a lot of the time.

And what really blows my mind even more is how much good is accomplished when a person stops trying to Be more than what he is and just focuses on "Being Real in the moment" - being open to life "as it is" right where he finds himself today.

The Last Rose Of Summer

'TIS THE LAST ROSE OF SUMMER

Tis the last rose of summer,
Left blooming alone;
All her lovely companions
Are faded and gone;
No flower of her kindred,
No rosebud is nigh,
To reflect back her blushes,
Or give sigh for sigh!

I'll not leave thee, thou lone one,
To pine on the stem;
Since the lovely are sleeping,
Go sleep thou with them.
Thus kindly I scatter
Thy leaves o'er the bed
Where thy mates of the garden
Lie scentless and dead.

So soon may I follow,
When friendship decay,
And from Love's shining circle
The gems drop away!
When true hearts lie withered.
And fond ones are flown,
Oh! who would inhabit
This bleak world alone?

- Thomas Moore

Life As A Work Of Art

My friend and spiritual mentor paints. One day when we were talking on the phone, she told me she had just finished painting some pictures that were spiritually inspired but she didn't know who they were of.

She described the first picture which was of a woman. As she described the painting to me, I knew without a doubt that it was a picture of me. It had all the elements of some of my recent dreams and also a symbol of the powerlessness I had experienced in the past.

She had done a couple other pictures at the same time - they were part man and part animal. I recognized those pictures also from her description - a person who is on the same road I am on. Our spiritual paths resonate with some of the same vibrations.

My friend gave me the paintings - the one of me was my Christmas present. The other two were to be passed along to the person they were meant for.

She also loaned me a book - "Joy Lasts" by Sister Wendy Beckett. I thought it was a strange book for her to lend me because it is about the spiritual in art; and I have no ability in that area. But I have learned not to question anything she does. I knew there would be something in that book that I was meant to read, and could apply to my life. I was not mistaken.

In describing a particular painting, Sister Beckett uses these words, "This is pure image, moving us to our depths with its beauty and integrity, its passion for truth, its sense of wonder. The longer we look at......the more profoundly it will reveal to us our own potential for depth, perhaps our need for integrity."

Who among us has not experienced the painful longing for something we can not even put into words....a longing we keep trying to find some tangible thing to satisfy it with.....but it grows and grows....until at last we face the fact that this hunger can never be satisfied with anything we will find in the material world.

It is a Soul Hunger.....a Cry from the inner depths of our being.....a cry for Expression....a Need for a life lived with truth and integrity.....the kind of life that Fills us with awe and wonder.....the kind of life that fills us with a State of Grace.